Dan Brodribb's Geek Love: No More Mr. Nice Guy

Remember a few weeks ago when we talked about how a lot of men tend to slot women into two categories? Well a lot of guys also split men into two groups when it comes to women: nice guys and jerks (*).

Women love jerks, the wisdom goes, while nice guys can't catch a break. (Quick aside: we're using "nice" vs. "jerk" in the "decent" vs. "dirt bag" sense of the words, as opposed to "passive" vs. "assertive," which is another issue entirely.) What I find interesting is that almost every guy who makes this distinction puts himself into the nice guy category.

I certainly did. The first time was when I was 17, listening to a girl I knew (Yes, I DID secretly have a crush on her -- thanks for asking) complain about the guy she was dating. I remember promising myself, if and when I ever got a girlfriend, I would never do any of the things she was complaining about. I would return her calls promptly. I would always ask her what's wrong. I would never push for sex or get drunk and throw up on the upholstery of her parents' Chrysler.

But of course, I DIDN'T have a girlfriend. And my future prospects, quite frankly, were bleak. My greatest fear was that I would not lose my virginity before Guns N Roses released their Chinese Democracy album (**).

I decided women only liked guys that treated them like crap. Since I never treated women badly, it was clear what my problem was: I was too good a person.

Does this sound familiar to anybody? You hear it all the time. Guys blaming their romantic woes on those other jerky guys out there or those women who are too dumb to recognize a decent guy when he's staring her in the face (not to mention watering her plants when she's on vacation). His problem, he'll tell you, is that he is too awesome. He'd have a girlfriend right now, if only he wasn't so much better than other people (***).

It was a convenient excuse. The only catch? It isn't true.

Attraction is amoral. It doesn't give a shit about nice guys or jerks. Attraction only cares about "yes" or "no" (****).

There is a theory that women are genetically disposed to go after jerks because jerks tend to die young in hunting accidents, soccer riots, or misadventures starting with the words, "Twenty bucks says you won't..." Making them attractive is biology's way of making sure their idiot genes survive to provide cannon fodder for future generations. As she ages, a woman takes stock of the guys who are still around -- nice guys all -- and spends the rest of her life with one of them.

I was sharing this with a self-proclaimed nice guy and he looked at me and said, "Yeah, but by then she isn't PRETTY anymore."

Nice guys aren't always as nice as they think they are.

It's easy to assume the moral high ground when you don't have anything at stake. I had no problems telling myself how I would or wouldn't behave in a relationship when I wasn't actually IN a relationship.

A girlfriend is the answer to all your life's problems when you don't have one. But once you're getting laid regularly, it's shocking how fast your thoughts go from "Holy Crap, I got the girl" to "I wonder if I can get another one." And when you've had your heart broken a few times, it's also incredibly easy to justify dubious behavior by telling yourself: "Hey, it's my TURN."

That's when you appreciate the women willing to call you on your bullshit. But they aren't always going to be there. Sometimes, you have to do things on your own.

Relationship dilemmas are good problems to have. They force you to decide what's important to you. They also force you to face the consequences of your choices. If you're wise, you'll take the opportunity to learn. If you're unwise...well, life has a way of throwing the same lesson at you over and over until you get the picture.

We self-proclaimed nice guys aren't always the men we think we are. But we can get there eventually. And when we do, the right women appreciate us for it.

Which is good because the right women tend to be prettier than you might think.


(*) Some single women also split guys into two categories, only they usually go with "jerks" or "married/gay."

(**) As it turns out, I needn't have worried. I made it with years to spare, although that's more a testament to Axl's creative persnicketiness than my romantic abilities.

(***) This isn't exclusively a guy thing. Women drink the same poison when they draw water from the "men love bitches" well. But since I haven't found a way to write a gender-and sexual-orientation-neutral article that isn't bland, wishy-washy, or outright confusing, we're going to stick with hetero males. If you're interests lie elsewhere, feel free to substitute pronouns as needed with my compliments.

(****) In fact, cross-culturally, the jury is still out on whether or not "attraction" is a valid reason for hooking up. North Americans dig it, but there are plenty of other cultures that believe being a slave to attraction is a good way to make yourself miserable.


Dan Brodribb is a professional stand-up comic and writer. He is currently working on a book called Dating for Shy Guys. Learn more about him at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com.

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