Dan Brodribb's Geek Love: The Man Leads, The Buttons Get Loose

If you are one of those nice guys who is afraid to make a move on a woman for fear of offending her, I have an assignment for you: Buy a copy of the Pussycat Dolls first album -- or hit play above -- and listen to the song "Buttons" until your brain dribbles out your ears ("Take a chance to recognize that this could be yours..." *).

Then get the following six words tattooed on your chest like Guy Pearce in Memento giving himself instructions on what to with John G (**): The man leads. The woman dances.

Every time I say those six words the sensitive, new age guy inside me dies a little (***), but the pattern is too consistent to ignore. Women are attracted to guys who aren't afraid to assert themselves. You see it in evolutionary psychology textbooks. You see it in trashy romance novels. You see it on
CraigsList.

More importantly, you will see it in the world around you.

Women don't need men to take charge. They're perfectly capable of opening their own doors, making their own money, and giving themselves their own orgasms. In some cases, they even do a better job. They just like to know you can do it should the situation arise.

Yes, there are exceptions, and certainly, relationships change over time. But at the beginning at least, the song remains the same: The man has to show he's willing to take control. The woman has to be willing to surrender it.

Romance is like taking a car ride, with the guy sitting in the driver's seat and the woman riding shotgun. The man has no grounds for complaint that the car isn't moving if he's just going to sit there and wait for it to start driving itself. At the same time, the guy can't drive if the woman won't let go of the damn steering wheel.

This was driven home to me the other night after a phone call with a cute redhead I met a couple nights ago at a bar. We spent the evening head-to-head talking, completely ignoring our respective friends.

But my follow-up call was a disappointment. It was a nice conversation, but it was missing the electricity of our first meeting. Hanging up the phone, I felt a weird disappointment. And so, I suspect did she.

At first I thought I'd misjudged her. Maybe she wasn't as cool as I thought she was. But as I replayed the call in my head, I realized the problem was me.

Unlike in the bar, I hadn't brought any of myself into the phone call. I had just drifted along agreeing with whatever she said, even if it wasn't conversation that interested me. Granted, I was distracted by her voice, which was slow and smoky and seemed to slide along my skin leaving a curious tingling feeling in its wake. But all the excuses in the world don't change the facts.

I had stopped leading. And with no lead, she had no idea how to dance for me. So she had to guess. And in guessing, she stumbled.

Guys, you have to lead. The amount of leading you will have to do depends on the woman, but at some point, you are going to have to show you are able to take charge. There are a number of specific ways you can do this. I've divided them into three categories (****).



Leading isn't always fun. Romantic roles in general can be frustrating, especially if they don't happen to align with your particular personality. As a shy guy, I'm not always comfortable taking charge. And I know a lot of women who are terrified at the thought of giving up control.

But there are times we need to learn to do those things. Not just for dating success, but for success in life. It's also why we should be grateful for the people who teach us those lessons.

Even if those people happen to be the Pussycat Dolls. Especially if it happens to be the Pussycat Dolls. After all, not everyone gives advice you can dance to.


(*) A lot of my dating wisdom comes from the Pussycat Dolls. I have an entire manifesto written for women based on the song "Don't Cha." Here's the short version: "Don't take us for granted and keep the blow jobs coming."

(**) I'd like to dedicate an entire column one day to Memento-style tattoos for dating. So far I have, "The Man Leads; The Woman Dances," "Sheila F. married your brother -- don't fuck her, even if she asks you," and "Socks come off before underwear or you look like a jackass." Reader suggestions are welcome.

(***) Good. I hate that guy.

(**** ) I have spreadsheets and everything.

(*****) If you need help, practice at home with a blindfold, a training bra and a life size cardboard cutout of Boba Fett. You'll be a sex Jedi in no time.


Dan Brodribb is a professional stand-up comic and writer. He is currently working on a book called Dating for Shy Guys. Learn more about him at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com.


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