Asshole Fuckface Roundup #89

Prepare to have your asses blown off by tales of disturbing and horrible Asshole Fuckfacery. That’s right, it’s Asshole Fuckface day, which means I’m bringing a boatload of heinousness out of the darkness and dragging it into the light of day. Also, I’m going to write about it. So, put on your thickest leather robe, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, a little Oklahoma Asshole Fuckfacery.

Paul Duran Jr. fucked up when he was sixteen years old. He was hanging out with an older guy, named Jessie James Dalton, who was twenty-five. Duran, Dalton and another teenager broke into a home and demanded money at gunpoint. During the robbery, Dalton shot and killed nineteen-year-old Billy Ray Wayne, who also had the most stereotypical hick name possible.

They were caught and Duran testified against Dalton in exchange for a 28-year sentence and a lesser charge of robbery with a firearm. The other teen did the same and Dalton received life in prison. That was 2002. Cut to six years later.

Last week the guards at Oklahoma State Penitentiary decided it would be an awesome idea to put Duran into a cell with Dalton. Totally did not work out.

An inmate was beaten and found dead Wednesday night just 15 minutes after being placed in a cell with a man he had testified against, a state prisons spokesman said.

That’s weird. I can’t believe they didn’t hug it out.

Why they were placed in the same cell “is a good question,” Massie said.

Super good question, and the word “fuck” should be tossed in there as well.

Dalton and Duran were listed as "separates" by the prison, which meant they were not supposed to be put in a cell together. Also, when the guard was putting Duran into the cell and he was screaming, “Oh my God, he’s going to kill me because I testified against him,” someone should have noticed.

“I think the natural assumption would be they're probably not the best of friends,” Burnett said.

What up, understatement? The Asshole Fuckface who put the soon to be dead guy in the cell with the big Asshole Fuckface has not been suspended. The DA will look into whether to file charges, then won’t, because it’s Oklahoma.

Next up, some super white guy Asshole Fuckfacery.

Lou Dobbs may be the stupidest Asshole Fuckface on the planet. Besides his constant lying and sensationalist “War on the Middle Class,” he is a delightful racist. Dobbs can look at any subject that has to do with ethnicity and immediately come up with the most ridiculous take. And that’s exactly what he did this week during a rant against St. Patrick’s Day.

And by the way, I gotta wish to you, each and everyone, Happy St. Patty’s Day. I do that and I have to be honest with you, despite my fervent anti-ethnic holiday position, that’s right, I’m against St. Patrick’s Day, I’m against St. Columbus Day, St. Joseph’s Day…I’m against all of those things.

Way to take a stand, Serpico. Yes, people celebrating their country of origin are so fucked up. It angers me to no end.

By the way, is there a Jewish ethnic holiday? Is there one? No. Okay, the Jews have disappointed me….

Yes. There are many. Just because you don’t know any Jewish people, doesn’t mean their holidays don’t exist. I don’t know where Lou grew up, or where he now lives, but you have to be one hell of a shockingly ignorant Asshole Fuckface to not know of any Jewish holidays.

How about an Asian ethnic holiday? Is there one? You know, St. Jing-Tao-Wow?...

Great name. It totally sounds Asian. You should be branded with the words White Guy on your forehead, so everyone will know before you open your mouth where you are coming from. And, yes, there are Asian holidays. Actually, Lou, “Asia” is not a country. So, there are many holidays celebrated by the many different Asians from the many different cultures in the many different countries in the Asia.

I mean what is with all of these ethnic holidays? How about an American Day? How about we’re all the same kind of day?

Independence Day, Presidents’ Day, Martin Luther King Day, Thanksgiving, Veterans Day, Memorial Day. Allowing you to have a TV show is like allowing daily mind rape.

Next up, more super white guy Asshole Fuckfacery.

When one is seeking a decent Asshole Fuckface to round out the Roundup, one can always look into the latest ramblings from the Pope. Benedict XVI is on a tour of Africa, and what better way to kick it off than to say something shockingly stupid?

Pope Benedict XVI said condoms are not the answer to the AIDS epidemic in Africa and can make the problem worse.

I’m glad someone finally had the balls to say that condoms are not the best way to prevent AIDS and to follow up with a capper: Condoms make AIDS worse. Duh. If you have condoms, you’re going to fuck like a wild man, banging every ass, whether it be woman, monkey or antelope. And you’ll think you’re totally safe –- but you’re not. AIDS is crafty and can get all up inside a condom. The only way to really avoid AIDS is to not have sex. Or, you could kill yourself. That would really prevent AIDS. AIDS cannot get you if you are dead.

Finally, some disturbing Asshole Fuckfacery.

Michelle Owen is a twenty-four year old lass from Indiana. She had a bad night this week. Michelle got herself locked up for public intoxication, which was double bad because she is on parole for drunk diving. Michelle likes to party. Oh, my God does she like to party.

Naturally, Michelle wanted to take the attention off her and put it on someone else. So, she told the cops her ex-boyfriend may have been looking at kiddie porn on her computer and told them to search it. Apparently, she didn’t think about the fact that it was HER computer and there is no way to prove he was looking at the porn instead of her. But, again, she’s wasted, so the brain isn’t working all that well. Not well at all, because she forgot about a certain thing she did with a dog in front of a video camera.

Her plan backfired when cops discovered two videos of her engaged in illicit acts with a dog. Owen, 24, was charged last week with two felony bestiality counts in connection with the video files, which a detective found in the laptop's "recycle bin."

Oops. I totally forgot about my doggie porn.

A cop told Owen that he had found videos of her on the laptop and asked if she "knew what those files might be." Owen, pictured in the below mug shot, replied, "The one with the dog."

Um, yeah, the one with a dog. One can only hope this moment is on video, because it is epic.

Owen said that the videos "were just something she did when she was drunk and barely remembers it," adding that she tried to "delete them the next day when she was sober."

Oh, then never mind. If you just had your dog lick your vagina, or you jerked it off, or you blew it when you were drunk, then it’s all-good. You can actually fuck and suck any animal you want if you are drunk. It’s a weird loophole they put into the bestiality laws.

Anyway, they never found that child porn.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

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