Asshole Fuckface Roundup #88

Here we are. I know, it has been an entire week of desperate waiting. Fear not, the moment you yearned for has arrived. It’s Asshole Fuckface Roundup time. I’ve been wading through this shit for a week and it takes its toll. I am drained, weak, saddened and very much in need of a meatloaf sandwich on sourdough. I had an exciting week; having learned my new neighbor is an Asshole Fuckface. He hired a drug dealer as a contractor, took out insurance and then, the very next day, burned a couple of rooms down in his duplex by piling rags on a floor heater. Go figure. One plus one equals obvious. But he’s just a tiny, local Asshole Fuckface! I’ve scoured the earth and discovered the worst of the worst, so put on your best plastic moo moo because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some tough guy Asshole Fuckfacery.

Chuck Norris was a sad excuse for an action hero. Now he’s a sad excuse of a human. Oh, and he’s completely insane. Chuck penned an article this week for World Net Daily. It’s pretty fantastic, as it is a classic example of the ramblings of a madman. Ordinarily, a man like Chuck would be milling about in an alley, explaining these theories to a box, but since Chuck was once the poor man’s Steven Segal, he gets to write it down and say it on the radio.

On Glenn Beck's radio show last week, I quipped in response to our wayward federal government, "I may run for president of Texas."

That need may be a reality sooner than we think.

Oh, do tell. And not the part about how Texas becomes its own nation –– the part where you win an election. Even Texas is not that stupid.

If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state.

Wait. Um. Okay. I think I got that.

How much more will Americans take? When will enough be enough? And, when that time comes, will our leaders finally listen or will history need to record a second American Revolution?

Huh. Why do I think your version of an American Revolution includes a handmaid, whose legs you thrust your sweaty body between while holding your wife’s hands?

“Thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation.” The right wing cells will meet during a live telecast, "We Surround Them," on Friday March 13 at 5 p.m.

Did you seriously just use the term “Right wing cells?” That’s awesome, mostly because “cells” are what killed thousands of Americans on 9/11. But, by all means, take that term and fucking run with it. It's all yours, rebel.

Again, Sam Houston put it well when he gave the marching orders, "We view ourselves on the eve of battle. We are nerved for the contest, and must conquer or perish. It is vain to look for present aid: None is at hand. We must now act or abandon all hope! Rally to the standard, and be no longer the scoff of mercenary tongues! Be men, be free men, that your children may bless their father's name."

Lighten up. You’re a pathetic, washed up, Hollywood action hero. During a revolution, your stupidity would probably not be a valued commodity. And your karate skills would not work so great against an assault rifle. And no, I won’t link to WorldNetDaily (hit Buzzflash, who reposted the pertinent excerpts, if you need a source).

Next up, the first Asshole Fuckface fight club.

Thankfully, we don’t have to leave Texas to find our next Asshole Fuckfaces. Corpus Christi State School is a Texas residential facility that houses disabled young men. Obvious, if one were an Asshole Fuckface caring for disabled young men, one would start a fight club.

Profoundly disabled young men were forced into "fight club" style battles by the people hired to care for them in a Texas residential facility, police said Tuesday.

I’m going to go way out on a limb here and say that is wrong.

"It's some of the worst child abuse I've seen in over 30 years," Corpus Christi Police Captain Tim Wilson said.

"Sometimes we see isolated incidents. What's appalling about this is that it appears to be organized."

The video footage showed staffers provoking the young men until they became physically violent, then shoving them at each other to make sure they fought.

Ha ha! I’m laughing so hard –– but that’s only because I don’t have a soul.

Eleven current or former employees of the Corpus Christi State School were identified in the videos, which were discovered last week.

First rule of fight club: You're going to prison. I would also like to recommend a fight club to the death.

Next up, some Catholic Asshole Fuckfacery.

Sometimes we face very tough decisions in life. It must be tough for the big wigs of the Catholic Church because they have to make decisions that will effect whether someone gets to go to heaven, or some shit. They are like gatekeepers, who don’t have sex, except with the occasional boy, and they live a sweet, pampered life in a special city. It’s a bitch. Also, they are all men and have never been pregnant and can’t comprehend giving birth, or dying during childbirth, or the many complicated aspects of carrying a child, so they make harsh rules about abortion. It has nothing to do with them not being able to have a child, or sex.

Anyway, this week an awesome Archbishop of Brazil, named Jose Cardoso Sobrinho, faced a very tough choice: Be one of the worst Asshole Fuckfaces of all time, or not. He went with the first one.

A senior Vatican cleric has defended the excommunication of the mother and doctors of a nine-year-old girl who had an abortion in Brazil after being raped.

Yes, read that correctly. The Catholic Church would very much like a nine-year-old girl, who was raped by her stepfather, to carry the twins to full term –– even if it would kill her.

Doctors said the girl was 15 weeks pregnant when the abortion was performed Wednesday in the northeastern city of Recife, where Sobrinho is archbishop. Health officials said the life of the girl — who weighs 80 pounds — was in danger.

The Church, of course, has the back of the archbishop.

Cardinal Giovanni Battista Re, head of the Catholic church's Congregation for Bishops, told the daily La Stampa on Saturday that the twins the girl had been carrying had a right to live.

"It is a sad case but the real problem is that the twins conceived were two innocent persons, who had the right to live and could not be eliminated," he said.

Totally. The girl is supposed to die, unfortunately, at the age of nine, after being raped by her stepfather, so she could produce two motherless children, who would grow up knowing they were responsible for their mother’s death, so she could get into heaven. Thems the breaks.

He also said the accused stepfather would not be expelled from the church. Although the man allegedly committed "a heinous crime ... the abortion –– the elimination of an innocent life –– was more serious".

Somebody better call the PR guys.

Finally, a plethora of Republican Asshole Fuckfacery.

Where to start with these amazing fucking idiots. Oh, I know, John Boehner.

Boehner said Americans want government to practice the same financial restraint they have been forced to exercise: “It’s time for government to tighten their belts and show the American people that we ‘get’ it.”

Yes. During the worst economic crisis of our lifetime, the thing to do is to stop spending money. Everyone should stop spending. Government, the peoples, everyone. Because economies always do well when no one is spending money. That’s not at all the worst idea and won’t at all lead to the worst possible scenario. This guy is the most powerful Republican. Holy shit.

Next up, Boehner’s underling, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor.

The second-ranking House Republican told reporters that President Obama should be focusing on the "economic crisis," as opposed to holding four-hour meetings on healthcare, as the president did last week. The efforts may be laudable, Cantor said, but the White House should be devoting all resources to fixing the economy and not to "impose these cap-and-trade schemes."

Right. Because people losing their jobs and becoming uninsured will not at all have a negative effect on the already terrible economy. Heathcare is not one of the reasons we are suffering. Healthcare and the economy are totally unrelated. This guy is the second most powerful Republican in the House. Holy shit.

Next up, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina. You may have heard of South Carolina. It is #2 in unemployment, currently at an exciting 10.4%. So, what to do with that stimulus?

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford on Wednesday became the first governor to reject some of his state's share of President Obama's economic-stimulus money, spurning $700 million that Sanford said would harm his state's residents in the long run.

Yay! Check you out! Taking a stand based on no economic understanding!

Asked how he could reject federal money when his state's unemployment rate was cresting 10 percent, he responded: "There will be no immediate answer. ... Reforming state government: That can lead to job growth in the state."

I don’t want the money, but I don’t have any other ideas! Reform government! It’s bad. Make it good! This guy is running the state of South Carolina. Holy shit.

They actually don’t know a thing about economics. Hey kids, there are no monetary fixes because you and your peeps fucked everything up. The interest rates are at zero. The dollar is not worth a whole lot. All you’ve got left is debt. Welcome to what you created.



FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper


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