Asshole Fuckface Roundup #71

Well, well, well, look who’s back. You just can’t stay away, can you? Like the taste of a good Asshole Fuckface Roundup, don’t you? You need it. You yearn for it. At this point, you’re like a heroin addict. Good thing I stocked up a nice little pile of horrible, horrible people this week. And make no mistake about it; they are truly some of the worst people ever to walk the Earth. So, put on your filth-proof robe, this is going to be ugly.

First up, a right wing Asshole Fuckface opens his mouth. Good old Glenn Beck.



Really? You’re hanging with the kind of people who were actually hoping McCain would get nominated and then die? Those are some awesome peeps you're kicking it with. But, what would I know? I'm just a crazy liberal who didn't have one friend who hoped Obama would die so Biden could take over.

Just soak this in.

BECK: I mean, I have to tell you if I heard once, I heard 1,000 times from people, and I never said this, never said this on the air because you just don’t say these things, but I heard a million times from people, “I’m going to vote for John McCain and, you know, I mean, he’s old. Maybe we get Sarah Palin in the first term.” You know what I mean?

ERICKSON: Exactly.

"Exactly." The other guy AGREES because he's been hearing the same fucking thing!

Thanks for not saying that on the air before the election, Glenn. Mighty Christian of you. Seriously, though, you are horrible people. You make demons look good. But I’m sure Jesus would be really happy with the direction you took his teachings. Enjoy Fox News, you Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, some wonderful Asshole Fuckface Nazi comparisons.

Well, they tried tying Obama to terrorism, socialism, communism and, I think, rape. But none of that stuck and they lost the election. Now, what to do? How about whipping out the Nazi card? James Dobson sent out a fundraising email comparing the Democratic victories to the Nazi bombing of England during World War II.

Dear Friend,

The spirit of Winston Churchill was alive and well on Tuesday night at Focus on the Family Action headquarters.

You may recall that in the most desperate days of World War II – when Great Britain was being pounded daily by Hitler’s Luftwaffe – that Winston Churchill called on his countrymen not to despair from danger but to rise to the challenge…..

Let me speak plainly.

Please, I’ve been waiting patiently. All this Nazi beating around the bush talk is driving me crazy.

Our nation has never faced the kind of anti-family, pro-abortion assault that we’re likely to see in the coming weeks and months. We don’t have to guess what the Left will do now that they control Congress and the White House...

And blah blah blah. Democrats are going to rape your women and even make boys get abortions. That’s just how they roll.

Were the Republicans done there? Oh, hell no. Don’t you people understand Obama’s going to put people in concentration camps?

Arbeit Macht Frei [John Derbyshire]
Corvée labor, a/k/a "community service."

Those of us over 55 are not excluded, I see. Shall we have to build our own camps, I wonder, like zeks?

Word. "Arbeit Macht Frei," is German slogan that was on the gates of several of the Nazis' concentration camps, including Auschwitz. Then he threw in a link about the Soviet’s forced labor. Asking for community participation is so very much like the Soviets and Nazis, I can barely stand it. To be specific, this is what he is talking about.

President-Elect Obama will expand national service programs like AmeriCorps and Peace Corps and will create a new Classroom Corps to help teachers in underserved schools, as well as a new Health Corps, Clean Energy Corps, and Veterans Corps. Obama will call on citizens of all ages to serve America, by developing a plan to require 50 hours of community service in middle school and high school and 100 hours of community service in college every year. Obama will encourage retiring Americans to serve by improving programs available for individuals over age 55, while at the same time promoting youth programs such as Youth Build and Head Start.

CLASSROOM CORPS!!!! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How about you Asshole Fuckfaces let him get into office and start a war before you start calling him a Nazi.

Next up, some Alaskan Asshole Fuckfacery.

I had no idea Alaska was the most fucked up and pathetic state in the nation. But after getting a glimpse of the hellhole because of Sarah Palin, Senator Ted Stevens and Congressman Don Young, I am amazed at the horrible corruptionfest Alaska has become. What a shitty excuse for a state and an even shittier excuse for lawmakers. This week, they decided just to steal their little election.

Elections officials, party leaders and voters are wondering what happened this Tuesday in the Last Frontier, where turnout was surprisingly low and two lawmakers who have been the focus of FBI corruption investigations appear to have been reelected despite polling suggesting they would be ousted.

Yeah, that’s weird. Wonder how that happened? Let’s see, while the rest of the nation was voting in huge numbers on Tuesday and Alaska had seen a 12.4 percent increase in voters during the primaries, suddenly voters just dropped off the map. Never mind that the primary increase was seen BEFORE Palin was on the ticket, they just decided not to show up with their own governor as the VP candidate. Oh, and that wasn’t all.

Couple the dip in support for McCain-Palin with surprising victories for longtime Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens, who was found guilty Oct. 27 on seven felony charges, and Rep. Don Young, who is under investigation by the FBI, and a lot of pollsters and voters were left stumped.

New felon Stevens was down by huge margins in the latest polls, across the board. Same goes for Don Young. But they won!

The national polling firm, Rasmussen Reports, accurately predicted every Senate race in the country within the margin of error in their most recent polls -- except Alaska.

Republicans, of course, said the turnout was low because Obama was declared president at 7:15 pm, before polls closed. And the Republican victories just happened to be across the board.

The problem with this theory is that the polling failures in Alaska weren't unique to Stevens. They also applied to the presidential race, as well as Alaska's at-large House seat. In each case, the Republican outperformed his pre-election polling by margins ranging from 12 to 14 points.

Huh. Yeah, that’s just a crazy coincidence. Thankfully, whatever kind of shit they pulled on election day may not work because of still yet to be counted early and absentee votes.

This is the same state that had more people voting in some districts than registered voters in 2004. After the Democratic Party sued to get the election data, Alaska refused to give it up because of “national security” concerns. Fuck off, you corrupt Asshole Fuckfaces. I now agree with the Alaskan Independence Party. Please secede from the United States.

Finally, some Asshole Fuckface cobweb cleaning.

Galen Winchell of Georgia was tired of looking at those cobwebs on his house. And he’s an Asshole Fuckface. A normal guy would have used a broom. Not Galen.

A single-story home in Sargent was damaged by fire Wednesday morning after the homeowner accidentally set the fire while cleaning cobwebs from the eaves around the exterior of the residence with a blowtorch.

Shortly before 11 a.m. -- according to Coweta Fire Investigator James Gantt -- Galen Winchell was admittedly torching cobwebs when he noticed smoke coming from his home.



I can’t believe that didn’t work out. That’s what Home Depot says to do with torches.

Family members and neighbors looked on with emotion while firefighters worked diligently to save the residence.

I assume they were happy because the cobweb problem had been taken care of.

Gantt advised against using a blowtorch to rid a home of cobwebs.

Also, don’t use it to cut your hair. Or to clean the upholstery in your car. Or to clean you skin. Or to groom your dog. Or to heat your fish tank.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

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