Plissken's Shit Food Review: Taco Bell Big Bell Box Meal
If you can count, and have mastered the Gregorian calendar, then you know that today is Cinco de Mayo. This festival of celebration and revelry proudly commemorates the stunning victory of General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín over Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania IV in 1988. Or something like that, I think. I'm not sure, I ain't so good at book learnin'. Anywho, what better day to go have some Taco Bell?
First Impressions
Today, I got to see a weird, middle-aged man sit in the parking lot and eat tacos. Not in his car, but sitting on the curb in the sun with his tray, facing the dumpster. Given his proximity to the waste receptacle, I could only assume he was a Taco Bell veteran. I thought briefly about attempting to snap a photo, but he looked a bit stabby and I haven't had health insurance since 2001.
After being put on hold, I went ahead and screamed my order into the magic talkly box and pulled around. Greeting me was a gentleman with what I can only call the weirdest shaped head I've ever seen. I know, I really shouldn't say anything if I can't say something nice, but I seriously expected Cher to pop up behind him at any moment and start belting out "Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves." Soon enough, Eric Stoltz's doppelganger had my $4.99, and I had this little beauty in my hot hands.
The Reveal
According to Adam Carolla, this "everything-in-a-box" concept is a new item for Taco Bell geared towards the fellas. It contains a Bacon Club Chalupa, a Crunchy Taco, a Bean Burrito, Cinnamon Twists, and a large cup of ice. So what's the big damn deal? Nothing really, but men love boxes (winkwinknudgenudgesaynomore) and I hope the concept catches on elsewhere.
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My god, I haven't seen a box stuffed that full since my last viewing of the Pam and Tommy video. And, at only five bucks, this could be exactly what Sally Struthers needs to feed all those starving African kids with the big, swollen bellies. I doubt it would help keep the flies off them, though.
The Mastication
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First off was the Bacon Club Chalupa, because I fucking love bacon. And this damn near ruined it for me. The flavor was overwhelmingly that of artificial smoke with just a hint of awful. Chug a handfull of bacos and you'll experience the full effect. I'd rather eat a bag of hickory-smoked assholes than this thing again.
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A Bean Burrito was the last thing I ever thought anyone could screw up. I was wrong. So very, very wrong. The beans had separated in the tortilla like that ancient jar of Xtra-Chunky Jif I still need to throw out. This made the burrito do an impression of an Olestra eater's lower tract, leaking oily evilness all over my hands and everywhere. If I had been wearing pants they would be ruined.
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Just look at this sad little Crunchy Taco. As ill-prepared as the French military, this item really failed to live up to its description. The haphazard application of fillings left the shell soggy and weaker than a vending machine condom, collapsing the structure on my second bite and spilling the contents everywhere. It was almost as if the taco had committed Seppuku right there in my hands, knowing how it had disgraced its taco ancestors.
Oddly enough, the Cinnamon Twists weren't notable in any way. I didn't even bother taking a picture of them. If pressed, I'd say they're not really what I'd call good, but on the other hand not really bad either. Very middle of the road. Sort of like the fast food equivalent of Steve Guttenberg's career.
Overall Impressions
I got exactly what I expected for $4.99. Minor heartburn and a strange grease stain on my shirt that resembled Abe Vigoda. I hope to sell it on eBay and recoup my losses on this venture. I also noticed my camera sucks ass, but that's extraneous.
I give the Taco Bell Big Bell Box Meal:
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5/10 flushes
SnakePlissken has no prints for sale in his journal blog.
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