The Upside Of Extinction

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At this point I think we all agree that the extinction of the entire human race would be a positive thing for the planet Earth.

Wait, we all don’t?

Man, you cheerful “humanity should continue to exist, I like breathing and babies and la la la” people always have to ruin everything, don’t you? I had a perfectly good intro all worked up, and you non-misanthropes (or would that just be “anthropes”?) have to fuck it up.

Anyway, while the merits of human extinction continue to be debated, almost nobody is willing to speak up about the merits of animal extinction. I really don’t see a movement of people saying things like, “Gosh, I wish one of those giant fuck-off asteroids would plow into the Earth again so we could finally kill off all those annoying pandas.”

Gleefully stepping into that void is our pal science, always willing to step up to the challenge and provide us with evidence of pre-historic creatures that may make the phrase “Extinction Level Event” seem not quite so bad overall.

Like the German scientists who recently unearthed the fossilized claw of a 400 million-year-old sea scorpion.

Sorry, I left out one important detail there.

German scientists recently unearthed the fossilized claw of a 400 million-year-old, eight-foot long sea scorpion.

This newly-discovered, giant sea scorpion is over a foot longer than previously discovered examples of giant ancient bugs. Because a seven-foot long, ancient bug wasn't quite creepy enough.

Now, I’m not a big fan of the outdoors. I know that when the end times arrive, I’ll be the jackass running around the burned-out, zombie-infested streets of New York looking for a place to plug in my TV so I can catch the latest episode of "Project Runway".

One of the things that could possibly make me even less of a fan of communing with nature would be the concept that taking a refreshing dip in the ocean could put me face to claw with an armored aquatic bug that’s only slightly smaller than a Mini Cooper.

Well, I guess there’s always a nearby lagoon or lake for me to swim in, right? I mean, “sea scorpions” must only hang out in the sea, otherwise they’d be violating nature’s law against false advertising, right?

”The thick greenish-gray siltstone the claw was found in suggests the creature lived in a brackish lagoon or a flood plain lake.”

Fuck.

But hey, thanks to the massive wave of animal extinctions that became the hip new thing about 360 million years ago, I can swim in safety. Okay, relative safety, since there are still sharks, and jellyfish, and pirates, and sunburns, and yeah, I’ll be in the car if you need me.

Of course, even though science can point out the positive sides to mass animal extinction, some scientists still feel the need to soft peddle it:

”I'm a bit puzzled by what this particular sea scorpion specimen would be eating”

I’d guess that the diet of an ancient, eight-foot long, nightmare-inducing sea scorpion consisted primarily of the rent flesh of screaming cavemen being dragged to their watery doom while pleading for one of those helpful giant asteroids to show up.

Sure, some of you Devonian-era geeks may point out that there weren’t any cavemen, or even any mammals, 400 million years ago, but then that’s just your fault for not believing in the Flintstones.

So while the pollution and environmental damage caused by us pesky humans continues to contribute to global climate change and decreasing biodiversity, at least we don’t have to deal with any giant arthropods outside of Red Lobster.

And isn’t that peace of mind worth killing off a few pandas for?

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