Holiday Travel: The FAA Tries Desperately Not To Fuck You

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Americans sure love to visit their families on Thanksgiving! I don’t understand it. I'm trying not to judge it. I suppose everyone has a right to subject themselves to their relatives in the privacy of their own homes, just don’t do it in front of me. But if you are planning on flying across the country to eat mashed potatoes with grandma next week you're not alone.

An estimated 38.7 million Americans are expected to travel this Thanksgiving period, with 4.7 million of them traveling by air, according to the American Automobile Association.

You better call grandma and tell her you might be late.

The airline industry's on-time performance this year has been its worst since 1995, when the Bureau of Transportation Statistics began keeping track. During the first nine months of the year, 24.3 percent of all domestic flights arrived late and 21.3 percent departed behind schedule, the bureau found.

Flight cancellations reached 2.2 percent, the worst since 2001.

But wait? What's that up above flying in restricted military air space? It's President Bush! He's going to save Thanksgiving!

Issuing a statement at the White House, Bush said it is time "to bring order to America's skies."

Our track record for bringing order isn’t great but maybe this time he'll get it right. Right? At least he didn’t promise to bring democracy to the skies. So, what's the plan Captain America?

Bush proposed increasing the bump fee for passengers who buy tickets but end up getting bumped from their flight.

The penalty now is $200 or $400, depending on long the passenger has been inconvenienced. The proposed increase would make the fee $400 to $800.

Awesome! I could use that money. Maybe I'll pray to be bumped this Christmas!

[White House Press Secretary Dana] Perino said that rule, if it becomes final, wouldn't be in place until next summer's travel season.

Oh. Wow. That will sure come in handy during the massive Christmas in July travel season.

… and White House press secretary Dana Perino said the Federal Aviation Administration was imposing a holiday moratorium on nonessential maintenance projects, allowing all FAA personnel and equipment to be focused on keeping flights on time.

Could someone (in the FAA) define non-essential?

Wow. I can feel the spirit of the holidays filling us all with joy. My heart is starting to de-ice and I have faith that even though Bush has acted too late, at least he's not doing something totally sinister. Peace on Earth. Good will towards--what's that? Oh. This just in. The New York Post wanted to keep you all in the throes of terror by reminding you:

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WASHINGTON (AP) -- Government investigators smuggled liquid explosives and detonators past airport security, exposing a dangerous hole in the nation's ability to keep these forbidden items off of airplanes, according to a report made public Wednesday.

Happy Holidays!

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