An Army Travels On Its Stomach, While A Navy Floats On Its Fake Tits

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Even during an election year, not every governmental non-event can be properly inflated by both politicians and the media into a full-blown non-scandal. To really grab the attention of the public, you need something extra. Like wide-stanced homosexual foot-tapping (in public restrooms, not in the audience for the Broadway musical version of Xanadu).

Or in Australia’s case, tits.

See, didn’t that catch your eye?

Yes, on the eve of the upcoming Australian general election, the opposition Labor Party has brought up the ever-important wedge issue of tits.

Specifically, the new fake tits belonging to two female sailors in the Australian Navy.

These controversial fake tits were paid for by Australian taxpayers, as opposed to politically acceptable methods of fake tit payment such as a pile of sweat-and-glitter-soaked $20 bills fished out of a stripper’s g-string or cashing out a trust fund for a daughter’s graduation gift in lieu of a pony.

Australia’s Department Of Defence defends the fake tits, claiming that they were approved for psychological reasons, not simply to make the sailors “look sexy”. However, the Labor Party has grabbed on to the fake tit issue, claiming that allowing taxpayer money to fund free cosmetic surgery for people in the Australian military “smacks of a government out of touch”.

In case you think the non-issue of fake tits and real guns doesn’t translate well across the Pacific, think again. In the United States, a similar non-scandal perked up back in 2004 when an article in the New Yorker exposed our military’s own set of fake tits.

Yes, the United States military also uses taxpayer funds to pay for cosmetic surgery. However, the Army, the Air Force and the Navy were quick to dispel the impression that Vivid Video was now a co-sponsor, clarifying that while some cosmetic surgical procedures were offered for free or at a reduced cost to active-duty soldiers, they took a back seat to reconstructive surgeries and allowed military surgeons to improve their overall skills.

Personally, I’m not opposed to offering cosmetic surgery as a perk to folks in our armed forces. Of course, I’d hope that they were also offered enough body armor and time with their families, but apparently you go to ill-advised poorly planned war with the fake tits you have, not the fake tits you want to have.

If anything, I think the United States military should pay for more surgical procedures for our troops and their family members.

Like, say, abortions.

Under current federal law, the United States military cannot pay for abortions except in cases of incest, rape or when the life of the mother is in danger.

When the pregnant wife of a Navy sailor discovered the child she was carrying suffered from severe brain damage and would not survive past childbirth and decided to have an abortion, the Navy told her she’d have to pay all of the $3,000 cost. Unable to afford the medical costs, she sued the Navy and won, only to have the ruling overturned by a federal appeals court.

At least once she’s done using her minimum-wage salary to pay off her medical debts and has dealt with the emotional anguish of having lost her child, the Navy might just reward her with something that’s obviously a much more important use of taxpayer funds.

Fake tits!

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