Asshole Fuckface Roundup!

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The Asshole Fuckface Roundup is back after taking a week off. I was crushed by the horrible summer cold that is murdering people all over Southern California. As of last count, 123,547 people have died in LA. I survived because I am strong and also, God wanted me to continue writing the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. So, here it is, you crazy bastards. Put on your jackets and take off your underpants, this one is going to be ugly.

My first Asshole Fuckface may be the worst mother on the face of the Earth. And Mars. (Exaggerated for effect)

Sophia Elam is 41-years-old and has a beautiful 16-year-old son. He’s great. He plays on the Silverado High School football team when he is not suspended from school. The problem is that members from a rival gang also play on the same team and they sometimes threaten the Elam boy.

First, the Elam boy called on his fellow gang members to help out. They drove to his football practice, threw some gang signs and flashed a gun. Sadly, the brilliant plan did not work. So, mommy got involved.

She drove several members of her son’s gang to the school to fight with rival gang members. Some of them were adults. And she did it on more than one occasion. Yesterday, the local Sheriff department arrested Sophia for child endangerment. Officials may also revoke her government aid. After arresting Mommy, law officers went to her home, where they found junior and “dozens” of gang members.

One of them pleaded, “Can’t I just call my mom?”

To which a Victorville detective replied, “No, your mom is already in jail.”

Yay!

Next up, an entire department of the federal government gets labeled as an Asshole Fuckface!

Hey, remember way back in August when Alberto Gonzales retired from his position as Attorney General and everyone hoped the politicization of the Justice Department would end? It didn't!

Yesterday the Justice Department said Internet service providers should be allowed to charge for priority Web traffic. That’s right, the Justice Department stuck their noses into the Net Neutrality debate. Not only is the Justice Department involved in something that is not their business, but they are so fucking wrong it is amazing.

The Justice Department said imposing a Net neutrality regulation could hamper development of the Internet and prevent service providers from upgrading or expanding their networks. It could also shift the "entire burden of implementing costly network expansions and improvements onto consumers," the agency said in its filing.

Such a result could diminish or delay network expansion and improvement, it added.

Hey Justice Department, the US has some the worst broadband rates and speeds in the developed world. Those companies have not been upgrading and expanding their networks. Why? Because our government is not taking any action to ensure that we do have decent broadband coverage. Our government tells us the “free market” will take care of everything, while they completely discourage a “free market.”

Our government, and specifically the Bush administration, abandoned Open Access policies that fostered competition between Internet companies and led to lower prices. Without competition there is no reason to create a better product. Our Internet is pathetic because of the collusion between the government and a few big companies.

We have gone from having the best rates and speeds in the '90s to some of the worst in the year 2007. Japan’s broadband is currently 8 to 30 times faster than ours. That should do wonders for American business! Net Neutrality would increase competition, not harm it and create better broadband services overall.

But who cares when AT&T is doing the bidding of the Bush White House by allowing illegal wiretapping and data mining? And for their services? A little payback: The Justice Department is now getting involved in the Net Neutrality debate. Sweet, sweet corruption.

Next!

There are so many reasons to call the administration and our military leaders Asshole Fuckfaces that it is amazing. This week it’s all about body counts!

Our military is claiming that violence has dropped sharply in Iraq this summer. General Petreaus is expected to claim that attacks have decreased 75 percent.

According to senior U.S. military officials in Baghdad, overall attacks in Iraq were down to 960 a week in August, compared with 1,700 a week in June, and civilian casualties had fallen 17 percent between December 2006 and last month.

Is it the success of the surge? Are we finally winning? Are people converting to Buddhism? Is it the summer heat? None of the above.

It’s good old-fashioned cherry picking! Just change how you designate an attack and the stats suddenly look better!

Intelligence analysts puzzled over how the military designated attacks as combat, sectarian or criminal, according to one senior intelligence official in Washington. "If a bullet went through the back of the head, it's sectarian," the official said. "If it went through the front, it's criminal."

It’s a reasonable assumption. Sunnis and Shiites only fight each other with their backs turned. They shoot over their shoulders using mirrors. Criminals only shoot people who are looking them right in the eyes. If a person turns to run, a criminal lets them go.

Also, any attacks by our new Sunni friends are not included in violence statistics. Because they are our friends! Yay, friendship! Other categories have also been changed. If people die in a bombing, they are not counted as deaths from violence. That is also criminal. Why? Because al-Qaeda uses bombs. Insurgents use guns. Duh.

To sum up:

Not violence! They are simple crimes. Why do you hate America?

Shockingly, the real numbers are not so good.


The Associated Press last week counted 1,809 civilian deaths in August, making it the highest monthly total this year, with 27,564 civilians killed overall since the AP began collecting data in April 2005.

Boo! The AP hates America! Keep it up, military, you crazy Asshole Fuckfaces!

What would an Asshole Fuckface Roundup be without our dear leader?
George Bush is in a foreign country right now, and that can only mean one thing: Horrible mistakes that embarrass our nation.

George is in Australia. When he arrived on Wednesday, Deputy Prime Minister Mark Vaile asked Bush how his trip to Iraq went. Bush responded in a very presidential manner.

"We're kicking ass," Bush said.

Aw, he’s retarded. Or maybe by “kicking ass,” he actually means we are destroying a country and it is in a civil war and it is going to lead to a war with Iran, which will also involve Saudi Arabia, Turkey, the Kurds, Syria and Israel.

On Friday, Bush gave a speech at the Sydney Opera House to business leaders attending the APEC Summit. He did a great job.

“Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit," Mr. Bush said to Australian Prime Minister John Howard.

It’s APEC, you jokester! Okay, one mistake, right? No big deal.

Talking about Howard's visit to Iraq last year to thank his country's soldiers serving there, Mr. Bush referred to them as "Austrian troops.”

That country is in Europe. Australia in much southerer.

Bush then exited gracefully.

He strode away from the lectern on a path that would have sent him over a steep drop. Howard and others saved him, redirecting the president to center stage, where there were steps leading down to the floor of the theater.

Nicely done, you fucking moron. How great would it have been if he had fallen into the orchestra pit? Oh, to dream.

LATE Asshole Fuckface Roundup Addition: Michael Davis, director and writer of Shoot 'Em Up. Horrible, awful, not funny, bad, never-ending, idiotic, retarded movie.

You have to have really done something wrong if I don't like a movie that has such a high body count. Attempts at tongue-in-cheek comedy only work if the dialog is amusing and somewhat intelligent. If it isn't, you end up with a mess like Shoot 'Em Up: A movie that is exactly what it is trying to make fun of.

That is this week’s Asshole Fuckface Roundup! Congrats to all of this weeks winners! You get a free FearTheReaper monogrammed ascot.

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