A Mighty Huckabee Rises

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Yesterday, the powerful Ames Straw Poll was held in Iowa. There are many straw polls every year, but Ames is the big enchilada of straw polls. It was first held in 1979 and the winner has gone on to win the Republican nomination TWICE. The poll is not held during years in which a incumbent Republican president is running, which means it has only been held four times previously. So, two out of four winners have won the Republican nomination. That incredible ratio has led the media to take the Ames straw poll very seriously.

It is believed the poll shows the organizational skills of presidential campaigns. To vote in the poll, residents have to get to the town of Ames. Once there, they have to buy or somehow acquire a $35 dollar ticket and then hand it to a poll worker. So, campaigns buy a bunch of tickets and try to get people from all over the state to come to Ames. Campaigns pay recruiters to drum up support and then rent buses to transport them to Ames. If you take a moment to think about it, the entire scenario is pretty retarded, but not retarded enough to stop the Republicans.

This year Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson and John McCain decided not to take part in the straw poll. That left Mitt Romney as the only leading Republican candidate in the poll. Mitt basically had to kick ass in the poll, or he would end up looking like a total loser.

Being a Mormon, Romney was able to call on his massive family to give him a hand. Ninety-six members of the Romney tribe came to Iowa to help out with the poll. (Somebody in that family needs to learn how to use a rubber) Romney also rented more than 100 buses and spent millions of dollars. The result was that he ended up winning with 4,516 votes. That is a whopping 31.5%.Totally worth millions of dollars.

Other candidates also spent some money, but nowhere near the amount Romney blew through. Sam Brownback rented 51 buses, bought 3,000 tickets to hand out and spent $600,000. He ended up with 2,192 votes, or 15.3%. Tom Tancredo rented 20 buses, bought 2,400 tickets and bought many radio ads. He got 1,961 votes, or 13.7%. They came in 3rd and 4th, respectively. The man who came in second yesterday is the real story.

Mike Fucking Huckabee. Unlike the other candidates, he barely spent any money, only bought 1,850 tickets, did not run any ads and rented no buses. The Huck got 2,587 tickets, or 18.1% of the vote. That is 737 more tickets than he bought. All the other candidates purchased far more tickets than were eventually cast for them. That means Huckabee supporters found their own way to Ames, then either bought their own tickets or conned them from other candidates. Either way, it means that as of today, The Huck is a legitimate candidate.

Many liberal bloggers fear Huckabee as a candidate. So far, he has not caught fire. But the Huck is a Christian Right dream candidate. He is a Baptist Minister, opposed to abortion, gay marriage, civil-unions and he does not believe in evolution. Being a Christian, he also supports the death penalty, the Iraq War, the surge and the Patriot Act. Fear him.

Overall, the Ames Straw Poll was very bad news for Republicans. Eight years ago, 24,000 Republicans took part in the poll. This year that number tumbled to 14,000. That is a 42% drop. Note to Republicans: Nobody likes you anymore – not even you.

Now I have to write a “Fuck Huckabee” article. Sigh.

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