Asshole Fuckface Roundup

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It's Saturday and you know what that means: It's time for another FearTheReaper Asshole Fuckface Roundup! Many of you poor bastards don’t have the time to scour the news to find the weeks biggest Asshole Fuckfaces, so I do it for you. Hang on to your pants and take a look at this week's winners.

We start in a state that is constantly giving Florida a run for worst in the country: Virginia.

High school teacher Deb Serio discovered that a “smudge” of driveway sealant looked quite a bit like Jesus Christ. Naturally, word got out about the splotch of God and she began to receive messages from all over the world. Serio did not think the Jesus stain was a miracle, but still put it up on eBay and prayed that there was a remote chance that one of the few religious lunatics in America would buy it.

"I really never thought I'd get any, to be honest," said Deb Serio.

Surprise. Some idiot coughed up $1,525.69 to buy the chunk of stained concrete that could just as easily be the image of Ted Nugent. The buyer has only been identified as “Islandoffthecoast” or “Douchebag.” A contractor will remove the slab of Nugent stained concrete and ship it to the nutjob. Thank goodness the buyer didn't donate that money to the poor or hungry.

I am going to learn to pee in the shape of Jesus, shit in the shape of Jesus, pour brake fluid in the shape of Jesus, form grill drippings in the shape of Jesus and smash bananas against windows in the shape of Jesus. Actually, I will learn how to pour any fluid in the shape of Jesus. I will then be rich. Yay, America.

My next Asshole Fuckface is a man you will be seeing on the Roundup for many months to come. Yesterday, Rudy Giuliani decided it would be a good idea to say that he spent more time at ground zero that most of the recovery workers.




I was at ground zero as often, if not more, than most of the workers. I was there working with them.

Is it possible to be a bigger Asshole Fuckface? Rudy was called on his bullshit comment by the media and other presidential candidates. He then tried to backtrack.

What I was trying to say yesterday is that I empathize with them because I feel like I have that same risk. And the way I said it, I probably could have said it better, but what I was trying to say was I was there quite a bit, there are people that were there more than me, people that were there less than me.

He couldn’t even bring himself to make an appropriate apology. He still had to throw in the fact that he spent more time at ground zero some workers. What an amazing Asshole.

It didn’t take long for the people who spent time at ground zero to respond.

Fire Captain and Giuliani foe James Riches, whose firefighter son died on 9/11, said: "That's insulting and disgraceful. He's a liar. I was down there on my hands and knees looking for my son.

Battalion Chief John McDonnell, head of the Uniformed Fire Officers Association in New York, added: "I have a real problem with that statement. I think he's really grasping and trying to justify his previous attempts to portray himself as the hero of 9/11."

International Association of Fire Fighters General President Harold Schaitberger released a statement tearing Giuliani a new asshole. (Which is weird because he is an Asshole Fuckface)

Giuliani has succeeded in becoming a multi millionaire on the backs of those who perished that day -- going from a guy who reported that he only had $7,000 to his name in his 2001 divorce filings, to a multi-millionaire --- and it's despicable.

It's not just our union, FDNY fire fighters and family members calling him on his 9-11 lies, now the police are, iron workers who were on that pile are -- everyone is calling him on his lies.

I lived in New York when Giuliani was mayor. Comments like this are not exactly a rare occurrence for Rudy and his inability to show any amount of genuine remorse is standard. There is no way he gets through a presidential campaign without a major fuckup.

There can never be enough George Bush in the Asshole Fuckface Roundup.

We have finally found something that George is excels at: Vacationing. Two days ago he took off for another holiday, this time to his family’s compound in Maine. After an awesome weekend with his Mommy and Daddy, he will head down to Texas, where he has taken 65 different trips since 2001.

To date, Bush has spent 418 days of his presidency on vacation. That is 17% of his total days in office. Have you been allowed to take 17% of the last 6 years off? No? That is probably because you have a really important job, unlike the President of the United States.

Bush is looking to shatter the current record held by another horrible President: Ronald Reagan. Over his 8 years on office, Ronald was on vacation for 436 days. Bush is only 18 days behind Reagan with 17 months to go, which means Bush will not just beat the record, he will shatter it. Hope the war is not too tough on you, George!

It is hard to get through an Asshole Fuckface Roundup with a taking a trip to Texas.

Last week an Arlington church backed out of hosting a funeral for a dead man because he was gay. Cecil Sinclair was a Navy vet who served in Desert Storm. He was not a member of the High Point Church, but his brother was and when Cecil became ill with a heart condition six years ago church members prayed for him.

Last week he died and the church agreed to host Cecil’s memorial service. But after church officials saw a video that was to be a part of the service, they freaked out. The church pastor explained the horrible images.

Some of those photos had very strong homosexual images of kissing and hugging. My ministry associates were taken aback.

Dude, if you think a picture of men kissing is a “strong homosexual image,” I could show you some Herculean homosexual images. The church pastor also said the church would hold services for other sinners, like murderers and thieves – but not men who have sex with other men. There is a simple explanation.

But I don't think the mother would submit photos of her son murdering someone. That's a red light going off.

How deep is this whole you are going to be digging, pastor? Because at this point it’s mighty deep.

The family found a local funeral home to hold the service. The church then sent over food and the video, but they took out the “offensive images.” Again, the pastor explained.

Some of our people will be there at the memorial service. We tried to do the very best of our ability to express the love of Christ.

That is pure Asshole Fuckfacery.

Congrats to all of this weeks Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive your very own FearTheReaper embroidered pillowcase.

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