Asshole Fuckface Roundup – Double Deluxe Weekend, Part Deux

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Yesterday you lucky bastards received a full and satisfying dose of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. But this week there were so many Asshole Fuckfaces that I needed an extra day to list them and describe their heinous acts. It is day two of the Double Deluxe Asshole Fuckface weekend! A Saturday AND Sunday Fuckface bonanza! Hang on to your genitals and take a look at this week's winners.

I’m going to start with three of the most disturbing Asshole Fuckfaces of all time.

Last year Dustin Radke and twin brothers, Nicholas and Alexander Grunke, were checking out the obituaries in their local Wisconsin paper when they came across the picture of a really hot, dead chick. All three were 21 and therefore, horny as hell. Naturally, they decided to dig the body up and fuck the shit out of it. Who wouldn't?

The hot, dead chick had died in a motorcycle accident only a week before, so she was probably in pretty good shape for a three-man gang bang. They grabbed their shovels, headed to the cemetery and started to dig, presumably with giant boners. Sadly, they never reached their new girlfriend because a car pulled into the cemetery and spooked them off. The driver called police and all three were arrested.

On Friday a judge dismissed the charges against the three because Wisconsin has no law against throwing a hump on a corpse. Anger over the case will probably lead to laws against necrophilia, which meansWisconsin stands to lose millions of dollars from the 'nail a corpse' tourism trade. The state will also have to change their current slogan, “Visit Wisconsin, Tons of Bodies and Not Enough Cocks”

If I’m going to do a double deluxe edition of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, I cannot avoid the Bush Administration.

In an awesome cover-up of degrading conditions in Iraq, the Bush administration has stopped including how many hours of electricity residents of Baghdad receive each day in weekly status reports.

Ryan Crocker, the U.S. ambassador to Iraq, told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee last week that Baghdad residents could count on only "an hour or two a day" of electricity. That's down from an average of five to six hours a day earlier this year.

The State Department, which prepares a weekly "status report" for Congress on conditions in Iraq, stopped estimating in May how many hours of electricity Baghdad residents typically receive each day.

It would be great if this administration could show one ounce of manliness, but being cowardly Asshole Fuckfaces seems to be in their blood. Earlier this year Baghdad residents were getting five to six hours of power per day, but that has now slipped to one to two hours. Perfect timing for summer!

"Nothing is being hidden. There is no ulterior motive," said David Foley, the department's Middle East spokesman. "We are continuing to provide detailed information and have been completely transparent."

Uh huh. That’s why you switched to a new report that gives the national electricity supply, because you are being “transparent.” The broad national percentage just happens to not sound as bad as “one to two hours a day.” I can't believe it was just last year that Asshole Fuckface Bush was bragging about the increase in electricity.

“We occasionally are able to pop in with great success, like Zarqawi or 12 million people voting. But increasing electricity in Baghdad is not the kind of thing that tends to get on the news.”

Nice work, idiot. The next Asshole Fuckface is a not only an idiot, but he's also a chickenshit.

Earlier this week, Mitt Romney talked shit about the upcoming Republican YouTube/CNN debate. He apparently doesn’t think much of the format, where common Americans ask the candidates questions via the website.

"I think the presidency ought to be held at a higher level than having to answer questions from a snowman."

Romney was speaking of this incredible piece of art.



Say what you want about the format, but I still think it’s better than Chris Mathews asking a question. I would actually like to see a debate in which the candidates only took questions from snowmen. And sock puppets. And a block of cheese.

Romney’s snowman comment is just an excuse. In truth, the real reason Mitt doesn’t want everyday Americans asking him questions is because they will be coming from the Republican base - the very people who have a problem with his sudden position changes on abortion and gay rights. Romney is full of shit and he would not get the same free ride he gets from the press.

Yesterday Romney pulled out of the debate because he has a “heavy fund-raising schedule.” That should win some votes. Why tell the people about your positions when you can make a buck? It would probably help if grandpa Romney actually knew what the fuck YouTube is.

I want to make sure people who are using the Internet as a way to become predators on kids—that we stop that once and for all.

YouTube is a website that allows kids to network with one another and make friends and contact each other. YouTube looked to see if they had any convicted sex offenders on their web site. They had 29,000.

Thanks, old timer. You might do some great work helping the kids when you figure out the difference between YouTube and MySpace.

And now I’d like to introduce you to the worst Asshole Fuckface of all time.

Jack McClellan is a self-described pedophile. I’m not sure if he’s gone as far as to put the title on business cards, but it’s what he calls himself. He claims to never have touched a child in a sexual way and has never been convicted of molesting a child, but he admits that he has

Embraced them in a nonsexual way, mostly in Latin American countries.

Hell, why else would you go to a Latin American country? It's the place to go to touch kids in non-sexual ways. I always head south of the border to do legal things.

Jack can be most proud of taking creepy to a whole new level by creating websites on which he describes where and how he trolls for kids. Police can’t do anything about his actions because he has never been convicted and the websites do not break any laws.

McClellan was driven out of Seattle two months ago because attention from the media made him worry about the safety of his parents, who he occasionally lives with - but does not molest.

He had been posting nonsexual pictures of children on a Web site intended to promote the acceptance of pedophiles, and to direct other pedophiles to events and places where children tended to gather.

Right now Jack the Asshole Fuckface lives in his car in Los Angeles. He likes the area because of the climate and the “many world class children’s attractions.” He visits kiddy hot spots at least three days a week and then describes them online. Recently his web host shut down his page, but he’s going to start it up again using a Dutch host.

Parents are coming together with plans to lobby the California Assembly to create a law against McClellan’s actions. But legally, they will face problems because he is careful to avoid any illegal activity.

I promise that if someone kills him they will not be labeled an Asshole Fuckface.

Congrats to all of today’s Asshole Fuckfaces, except Jack McClellan. All others will receive their very own FearTheReaper sponge.

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