Jon Lovitz Lays Smackdown on Smack-Clown

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What happens when an incorrigibly obnoxious, washed-up comedian mercilessly taunts a significantly heavier washed-up comedian over the death of his best friend? Well, what do you think? Hilarious slapstick violence, of course. The shit went down last Wednesday when Jon Lovitz ran into former Newsradio co-star and alleged friend-killer Andy Dick at the Laugh Factory in LA. With the clear vision of someone who thinks you can get a trisexual, cocaine-and-abuse-fueled space pixie to feel bad for something it's said, Lovitz demanded Dick apologize for his previous drunken remark that he put the "Phil Hartman hex" on him and that Lovitz would be the next one to kick the bucket. Dick was kind of a dick about it (surprise!), first claiming not to remember the hexing, then leaning in and hissing with evil glee:
You know why I said it? Because you said I killed Phil Hartman.
He then giggled like a maniacal schoolgirl as he thought up more ways to kill Lovitz's friends.

Lovitz claims never to have accused him of such a thing, although he did say this once in reference to the drug-and-alcohol-induced downward spiral that eventually led Hartman's wife to shoot him dead in 1998:
Andy was doing cocaine, and he gave Brynn some after she had been sober for 10 years. Phil was furious about it - and then five months later he's dead.
Also, when filling in for the late Hartman on Newsradio:
I told Andy, 'I wouldn't be here now if you hadn't given Brynn that cocaine.'
Which is totally not the same thing! The false accusation of accusation was more than the rotund has-been could take. According to Page Six:

Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose.
He picked him up? By the head?! That's something I'd like to see. Unfortunately, unlike with previous unpleasant incidents, nobody thought to take a grainy camera phone video, but I believe it went something like this:


This whole thing irks me in several ways. I'm not sure why I expected better of him, but Dick forgot a cardinal rule of comedy: Jon Lovitz is not nearly funny enough to die. Think about it: Phil Hartman, John Belushi, Gilda Radner...each of these lost legends had more funny in their left nut than Lovitz can hope to muster on his best night. And Gilda Radner didn't even have testicles! Because God hates us, people like Lovitz and Dick will be starring in failed pilots and licking Farrah Fawcett's face until they are shitting in diapers, but we will only get a glimpse of what true comedians can do before they succumb to their own badassitude via drinking, doing massive speed-balls, or marrying an attractively crazy bitch.

And then there is this tidbit I found on Gawker today:


Last night, there was Andy Dick on University Place, right by Washington Square Park, says a spy. SO HOW WAS HIS MANGLED FACE? "It looked fine, actually," reports the Dick-watcher.
WTF? This may very well confirm my theory that most celebrities, Andy Dick especially, are mutants from outer space who only have to blow a few lines to regenerate limbs, facial tissue, etc. Or maybe Lovitz actually grabbed Dick by the balls, anus or some equally unmentionable mutant body part that Page Six was too modest to print. A third, less appealing theory (which I personally refuse to believe) is that Page Six exaggerates the fuck out of things. Whatever. I'm defending my theory, to the death if need be. Trisexual mutant face-healing space pixies: "Yeah, that's the ticket!"

web address: http://suicidegirls.com/news/all/21948/Jon-Lovitz-Lays-Smackdown-on-Smack-Clown/