Get Over Your Third Party Jerk Off Fantasy

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Americans love to talk shit about the two party system. I know I do. They are both giant assholes, spewing out immense amounts of shit. The Republicans are obviously worse, as they have recently taken us into an absurd war, totally undermined our constitutional rights and turned to religion in a scary Taliban sort of way. Of course, the Democrats allowed it all to happen and in many cases went along with the opposing party. That being said, I’ll end up voting for the least horrible candidate because I am so scared of the most horrible candidate. And the two party system will remain intact.

But that won’t stop Americans from saying how much they would love a third party. Oh, just think about it! The party would be everything you wanted! A wonderful amalgamation of all your beliefs! Liberal when you want them to be and at the same time conservative on the right issues. And you could call it the “Not Real Party” because it’s never going to happen. It’s a ridiculous fantasy.

The current candidate giving everyone third party wood is Michael Bloomberg. Last week Bloomberg quit the Republican Party and the media went into a tizzy about his future “Independent” bid for president. Could he actually start a third party? Oh, my, I’m all a flutter!

Bloomberg, of course, quickly said he had no plans to run for president.
Bloomberg said in his statement last night that his plans for the future haven't changed, and he's been saying for months that he has no plans to run for President. He said his official switch to political independence simply "brings my affiliation into alignment with how I have led and will continue to lead this city."

But the media just can’t stop hoping that he will run because they love to participate in the third party jerk off fantasy. Why? Because of the polls! People have been clamoring for a third party. They wanted one in 2004, for God’s sake!
Open Debates commissioned a Zogby poll of likely voters nationwide to determine which candidates the American people want to see included in the 2004 presidential debates. The poll found that 40 percent of likely voters want to see presidential debates that only include John Kerry and George W. Bush; 57 percent of likely voters would like to see “other candidates” included.

57% percent! That’s a lot of people! And that was in 2004! Things have gotten so much worse with our citizen’s confidence in their leaders, just think what that number is today.
57 percent say the two-party system does not do a good job addressing issues important to Americans, according to the poll. The same percentage of registered voters say the country needs a third political party.

Wow. 57 percent. Feels oddly familiar. Now, just let that number roll around in your brain for a while. It is the number of people who answer that they want a third party candidate, when they are asked by a pollster, as they sit on their couch at 7 pm on a Wednesday. You know when they don’t want a third party candidate? On that Tuesday in November, when they walk into a voting booth and choose their candidate. Because when push comes to shove, people vote for the candidate who scares them the least.
Virtually identical to the 58 percent who said they favored a third party back in 1996, the year Ross Perot mounted his second independent run for the presidency.

So, how many people voted for Ross Perot? 8.4%

What about in the year 2000, when everyone desperately wanted a third party candidate? Ralph Nader pulled down a whopping 2.7%

Why? Because once third party candidates become real, nobody wants to vote for them. They are better as a fantasy. They are much more exciting as the unreal Third Party 58%. Take Bloomberg. The guy is a fucking piece of cardboard. He makes Al Gore seem like Tina Turner. Once America got a good look at Bloomberg, they would vote for one of the two big parties. And Ron Paul is a tool, so the same goes for him.

Get over it. It’s never going to happen.

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