Hi-Tech Investigative Report: Dolphin Murders Rock California

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San Diego: some call it a slice of heaven. But if you're a dolphin, the peaceful Californian city has become a killing field; an ocean of sorrow, loss, and regret; the epicenter of hell.

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Try and look beyond the coastal climate that seems to soothe the human spirit; ignore the abundance of breathtaking flora that perfectly compliments the glorious Spanish-style architecture. Beneath the surface of this placid hippie-mecca something unspeakably evil lurks. Rather, someone, and he surely possesses a black, cruel heart if he has one at all. For lack of a better name, we can only call him the Dolphin Slayer.

Take a breath, this gets intense. Between May 29 and June 5, five dolphins washed ashore along the coast of San Diego; all the victims of murder most foul. According to the AP:

The first dead dolphin washed ashore with lacerations on its pectoral fin. The next showed up with a fatal bullet wound. Within a week, there were three more with bullets in their heads.
The victims were found within a 6 mile stretch between Carlsbad State Beach and Oceanside Harbor, just a few miles north of San Diego proper. Officials say this kind of dolphin mass-murder is a first. Statistics indicate that only one dolphin shooting typically occurs throughout the nation each year. Since the 1960s, San Diego has had only one such incident, about five years back.

"This was so unusual," said Kerri Danil, a National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration biologist who worked on the necropsies. "With each one I thought that was going to be it so I was really surprised when we got other calls with injuries indicative of bullet wounds."
According to the necropsy results (apparently that’s dolphin-speak for an autopsy), all of the dolphins were healthy and well-fed, with “bellies full of fish.” The poor, sad bastards never knew what hit ‘em. The necropsy also indicated that the bullets could have all been fired from the same gun, though conclusive ballistics testing has yet to be performed. Officials are offering a $2500 reward for the capture of this inhuman murderer (though he is most-likely human).

This guy offered up an unimpressive theory about the killings:

“It usually turns out to be a fisherman," said NOAA spokesman Mark Oswell, adding there have been cases when fishermen take out their frustrations on dolphins and other mammals that eat their catch.
Taking into consideration all the available evidence, and drawing upon my vast knowledge of bad police procedural shows, I’ve come up with several alternate theories, that -- no pun intended -- blow Mr. Oswell’s out of the water.

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First, let’s consider the crime scene. A quick check of the Interweb tells me that Carlsbad State Beach is less than 50 miles from Tijuana (see above); and we all know about the ongoing Mexican Drug War. Could the dolphins have been taught to smuggle drugs? Maybe they turned on their masters, or weren't performing up to expectations so their cartel contact decided to cut his losses and off the aquatic offenders. This fits with the execution style killings.

Another theory is that these killings were perpetrated by someone trying to make a statement. Consider this: in 2001, Dolphins were discovered to partake in homosexual relationships; the males have often been found blowing each other. Try and follow my natural leap of logic: someone who believed that homosexuality is a choice rather than a part of nature -- or "god's will" -- might be angered by this. That someone, probably an outspoken advocate of “homosexuality as sin”, might want to silence the dolphins… or he may have been after revenge. Keep in mind the last time a dolphin was killed in SD was five years ago: shortly after the discovery of homo-dolphins. Potential suspects could include priests, pastors, deeply religious closeted gays, or televangelists. It would certainly be worth investigating Ted Haggard.

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And then there’s the final possibility, which, with the added video evidence provided below, seems to make the most sense to my sleuth-like senses. We know dolphins can be gay, and there is evidence to support that they are ‘pleasure driven’ beings. For years now, there have been reports of man-dolphin love affairs; someone even posted a detailed ”how to” manual to help an adventurous would-be dolphin-lover initiate a sexual encounter.

Do the math, if you will. I’m suggesting a man -- probably white, early '40s, single or possibly divorced -- initiated a love affair with a dolphin. At some point, probably after at least one successful lovemaking session, the dolphin would have spurned his advances, pushing the already off-kilter 'everyman' over the edge. Since the killing spree began with a knife and the killer quickly switched to a gun, this shows that what may have been a crime of passion has turned serial, and that the Dolphin Slayer's methods are evolving rapidly.

We can only expect the aquatic body count to pile high in the coming weeks. With that in mind, I suggest the authorities begin their search amongst known dolphin-philes, starting with this guy:



Aaron_Lariviere tries to think of his powers of evidence-free investigation as a blessing rather than a curse.

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