Vatican Wants Blue Balls to Stay

The Catholic church reaffirmed its stance on the celibacy of its priests today, despite the wealth of sexual abuse cases perpetrated by the clergy (and subsequently covered up by the church) that created a giant black eye for the organization following its revelation several years ago.

“The value of the choice of priestly celibacy, according to the Catholic tradition, has been reaffirmed,” the Vatican said in a statement released after a three-hour meeting attended by Pope Benedict XVI and top-ranking cardinals and prelates at the Holy See.

The statement said the Vatican also reiterated “the need for solid human and Christian training for seminarians as well as already ordained priests.”

The meeting had been called by the pope to deal with the “the disobedience” of Archbishop Emmanuel Milingo, who was excommunicated in September after ordaining four bishops without authorization.

Mr. Milingo, who is from Zambia, was married in 2001 in a mass ceremony conducted by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church and now leads an organization called Married Priests Now.
Celibacy of the clergy, despite biblical admonitions to "be fruitful and multiply," has been a cornerstone of Catholic doctrine for millennia. The announcement by the church that the doctrine will stay as is comes as no surprise following the ascension of conservative pope Benedict XVI, who bears a striking (and totally unrelated) resemblance to emperor Palpatine of Star Wars lore, is largely believed to have been chosen by the cardinals for his adherence to strict doctrine to traditional church policy, in contrast to his predecessor. Despite many Protestant sects' willingness to allow their clergy to marry (and even be women!) the Catholic church has continually resisted efforts to modernize the institution and allow priests to marry and have sexual relations while ordained.

Emmanuel Milingo's ordaining of four married bishops flew in the face of the church doctrine and represented a major challenge to the papal authority. But facing a shortage of new priests aspiring to join the Catholic clergy it may be inevitable that at some point, the church will have to break down and acknowledge the forcing its clergy to deny the most fundamental biological impulse will continue to deter people seeking to serve the church and be a continuing cause for scandal.

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