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Jonathan Kesselman’s Suicide Watch: Rob Corddry, Be My Friend!

When Rob_Corddry first came to SG as a columnist a few months back, I was ecstatic! I’ve been a Robert Cornelius Corddry (February 4, 1971 to November 16, 2006) fan for years. Rob first caught my eye with his work on the Daily Show With Jon Stewart. The “Double D,” as I liked to call him back then, was a master of Deadpan, yet there always seemed to be a sense of mischievousness bubbling underneath. Two years ago, a producer friend of mine slipped me a DVD of his paintball photoplay, entitled, Blackballed: The Bobby Dukes Story. It was about a guy named Bobby Dukes who was actually blackballed from the sport of paintball, only to make a comeback and get back his ex-girl AND his confidence, and then ultimately he fucks shit up on the paintball field! Later, when I heard Rob's voice work as ‘Devil’ on Cartoon Network’s Weighty Decisions, I was hooked! I heart-ed the Corddry, for serious!

Upon reading his first post at SG, I was stunned. Rob Corddry, the CELEBRITY, (with a capital L, and a capital B...and some other capital letters) was using the same user-friendly code (e.g. {b} = boldface type) that I was to post his columns. He was the big fish swimming in my pond, and I could only imagine that he was as naked as I was! Poof! Kajagoogoo! Just like that, Rob and I were “Blog Buddies.” So, after re-reading his first post for, like, the seventh or eighth time, I finally worked up the nerve to request his friendship on the site. I’m a bit shy, but I knew that he and I were destined to be BFF -- Blog Friends Forever! I was so excited that I went down to the Connecticut Muffin around the corner to pick up an Apple Tart and a Large Coffee in anticipation of his response that evening. If you haven’t had the Apple Tart at Connecticut Muffin, let me tell you, they’re really, really, really good.

Well, I’m sad to report that his acceptance of my friendship request never came. I shook it off. I mean, Rob was a busy guy, right? He had a new TV show and a new baby girl suckling on his wife’s teat…he just needed some time to get to know the real me. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither are friendships, nor those awesome Jeff Koons art installations for that matter. So, I waited some more. And then I waited even more than the more before that more. However, by the end of the week, my "more" tank was running on fumes. My anticipation had turned from, well, anticipation, to disappointment, to resentment, back to anticipation, then to sadness, then to hunger (an apple tart can only satiate you for so long) to some sort of strange slap-happy giddiness, to consternation, to punctiliousness (I think I felt that), to…well, let’s just say I went through a wide range of emotions. But, I can honestly say that over the course of the week, I only left my chair twice. And both those times were to #2. Still, when all was said and done, I heard not a single peep from Mr. Corddry.

As you can imagine, my ego was shattered. My self-esteem plummeted faster than you can say, "Upright Citizens Brigade." And just in case you were wondering, that’s where Rob honed his comedic chops from the years 1998-2000 A.D. (A.D. = the After Death years of his lord, Jesus Christ). FYI, Rob’s an Episcopalian.

So, what was I to do? I took a long hard look at my life, and I realized that I was essentially left with nothing. I went back to his profile. He had over 80 friends listed! 80! And I, his comrade-in-blogs, wasn’t invited to the party! You can imagine my hurt. It was at that point that I knew that I was going to win Rob’s friendship come hell or high water. It was also at that point that I realized that I had no idea what the phrase “come hell or high water” means. Is there water in hell? Because I was under the impression it was, like, really hot there, with hellfire and stuff. I bet Rob, in the research he did for the role of ‘Devil’ found out the answer to that one! When we finally met, that would be my first question for him!

So, I set off on a journey to discover everything I could about the real Rob Corddry. My first stop was Weymouth, Mass -- his birthplace. I spoke to Mr. Feig, his Gym Teacher at Weymouth High School. He told me that Rob actually had hair when he was seventeen! He also told me that all the kids loved Rob, and that he was the class clown. I asked Mr. Feig if Rob ever made balloon animals, or if he recalled Rob ever being molested by any of the faculty. Mr. Feig said he did not.

From there, I made my way to UMASS in Amherst. I stopped by Rob’s old frat house, Theta Chi. His Brothers were totally psyched about the “Double D!” I told them that Rob had appeared in many plays during his stay at UMASS, including the deliciously homoerotic classic, Torch Song Trilogy. His frat brothers suddenly got all mad at me, and told me that I was a “freaking douchebag pervert faggot.” One spit on me and pushed me into the bushes. There is a lawsuit pending.

At this point, my feelings for Rob began to become…how do you say…less than platonic. Wait! No, I got it. My feelings for Rob became…that I wanted to climb completely inside of his skin, and like Trent Reznor, fuck him like an animal, feeling him from the inside. Can that even be classified as a feeling? Just a random aside; they say that a vagina is an inside out penis, and vice versa!!! Regardless, I decided it was time for Rob and I to meet face to face, so I hopped on a plane to my hometown of Los Angeles, CA.

My first stop was Rob Corddry’s residence at XXXXXXXX (editors note: this information has been removed to protect Mr. Corddry’s privacy), where I waited outside in a tree on the adjacent property. From my vantage point, I watched Rob and his "family" secretly. His wife, Sandra seemed really nice, but her and her little breast feeding sycophant Sloane (Sloane!? Seriously? Like from, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?) were the only two people standing between the “Double D” and me!

Or is it me and the “Double D?” I always confuse that rule of grammar.

So, as I stealthily slipped into Rob’s yard and headed for the open bathroom window, I was suddenly tackled to the ground by two members of his neighborhood security team. I think their names were Don and Mick. Or is it Mick and Don?...not really sure if the same grammatical rules apply.

Don and Mick were bigger than me, and Mick smelled like cheese. But they had me pinned! I screamed out for Rob.

I screamed, “Robbbbbb! Robbbbbb! Robbbbbb! Robbbbbb! Robbbbbb! Robbbbb! Robbbbb! Robbbbbbb! Robbbbbb! Robbbbbbb! Robbbbbb! Robbbbbb! Robbbbbbb!”

It was at that point that Don put his hand over my mouth and Mick punched me in the head repeatedly before the two men dragged me across the lawn and tossed me into their security vehicle. The Corddry’s, bless their little hearts (except for Sloane and Sandra, those whores!!!) did not press charges. Rob recognized my name from the SG website. He even gave me an awesome glossy headshot that he signed for me if I promised to never come within a thousand yards of him or his family! I masturbated to it in the airplane bathroom on the way back to NY!

I’m back in Brooklyn now, and I just logged onto my SG account. Still, my friendship request has gone unanswered. Rob, if you’re reading this, once again, I’m truly sorry. Here in NY, I am way more than a thousand yards from you! I still heart you with all my heart, and I think our friendship is salvageable. Please, for the love of your God -- the Episcopalian Jesus -- add me as a friend! We could be the best Blog Buddies ever!

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Jonathan Kesselman

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Jon_Kesselman was going to write about his Internet Panhandling experiment from last week, but it did not bring in the tens of thousands of dollars he expected. WTF!? Jon, however, does want to personally thank RudieCantFail for his generous $50 donation. The experiment did, however, spark an even better idea which Jon is currently working out...

web address: http://suicidegirls.com/news/all/19147/Jonathan-Kesselmans-Suicide-Watch-Rob-Corddry-Be-My-Friend-/