Jonathan Kesselman’s Suicide Watch: My Vacation In Habeas Corpus Christi

October 21st:

By the time you read this, it might be too late; I might already be dead. I’ve emailed Helen_Jupiter repeatedly, begging her to post this column immediately. Perhaps someone will read this and heed my cries for help! Unfortunately, that bitch keeps insisting that she will only publish my weekly column on Thursdays! This is no joke, Helen! I just hope to God I can hold out that long...

Shhhhh! Qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqquiet, you damn keyboard! I hear footsteps. I’m typing very softly now. I’ve noticed that when I italicize,my keyboard sounds quieter. Oh no. They’re coming closer! I’m going to stash my laptop in one these dungeon wall fissures. More to come…

October 22nd:

I apologize if the last entry confused you. The moaning in the other cells has stopped, so I know it must be nighttime. I think it’s safe now. Last week, everything was fine. I don’t know why this happened exactly. On Thursday, October 19th, I posted my column in which I called Mel Gibson an “oily piece of shit.” Seven hours later, while I had my pants around my ankles and was masturbating furiously to nude photos of avalonchase on the SG website, my door was kicked in. Men in black suits grabbed me and told me that in accordance with the newly signed “Military Commissions Act,” I was hereby considered an “unlawful enemy combatant.” They also told me that Avalon Chase looked hot, and that I had a small penis. I didn’t even have time to feel insulted, because before I knew it they had already injected me in the neck with something. I accidentally ejaculated on one of them. It was gross. I passed out.

Before I was dragged off, while the men in black suits weren’t looking, I covertly stashed my WiFi equipped laptop in my semen-dampened boxers.

The ‘Qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq’ key seems to stick now. I’m sorry. I know it’s disgusting, but it could be worse. It could have been the “e” or the “t” keys, and then this account of my capture and subsequent torture would be unreadable. Thank God for small miracles.

The rest of what happened that day(s) is a blur. I dozed through the majority of it. I do remember being carried onto a small Jet. I also remember hearing the engines hum for what seemed to be an eternity. I remember feeling the wheels touch down. I remember having a wet dream about Avalon Chase. We were both lobster people swimming in a sea of melted garlic butter. I’m pretty sure the drug in my system was partially responsible for the melted garlic butter part.

Anyway, I’m looking around my cell. I want to write this as accurately as I can, in case someone actually reads this column. Here’s what I can tell you about my surroundings. I am currently writing to you from a damp, dark dungeon in a foreign country where I can conclusively tell you that torture and bodily molestation laws DO NOT apply. Perhaps I’m in Darfur. Perhaps I’m in Afghanistan. Perhaps the Vatican City: I sometimes hear little boys screaming.

I think…no, I KNOW that I am relatively close to a Starbucks. I know this because I’ve found that the various cracks and crevices of my cell are littered with promotional materials from 'Akeelah And The Bee' as well as empty containers of Tall, Grande, and Venti cups emblazoned with that creepy Masonic mermaid logo. She’s become my only friend here. I call her Queen Latifah (I like her acting). We discuss coffee harvesting techniques. She tells me Starbucks buys only the highest qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqquality Arabica coffees available, beans whose flavor develops fully through the Starbucks Roast® process. I also know I am near a Starbucks because my WiFi is picking up two bars from a T-Mobile Hotspot signal labeled, "Starbucks." Those two bars are my only connection to humanity: to you, my loyal SG readers: to Avalon Chase’s portfolio of scrumptious photos.

Qqqqqqqqqqquiet! They’re unlocking the cell doors…

October 23rd:

My God. I’m not sure how much longer I can stand this mental and physical torture! Yesterday, they told me that I was to be waterboarded. Initially I was psyched. I was under the impression that waterboarding was that thing you see people do in places like Corpus Christi, TX during Spring Break. You know, where a water-ski boats pulls what resembles to be a surfboard...

It’s not. They tried to kill me! I was drowning. So I told them everything they wanted to know:

I confessed to masterminding the 9/11 attacks. Although I wasn’t born yet, I told them that I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll in Dallas. John Wilkes Booth didn’t kill Lincoln. I did! I sent those explicit Instant Messages to the sixteen year-old page, not Mark Foley! I lied about Weapons of Mass Destruction, I outed Valerie Plame, I bought every nsynch album ever produced, I tortured those prisoners at Abu Ghraib. Hell, I tortured myself today! It was me! I did it! I did everything! Just make it fucking stop!!!

Oh no! They’re coming AGAIN!!! Help me! For the love of God, Helen, please publish this!!! Please help!!!

October 24th:

George Walker Bush is a great man. He is a hero to our people. He is a War President. A Decider! It would be disgraceful to not overturn the 22nd amendment to the constitution; the amendment that places a two-term limit on the Presidency. God (Jesus) has chosen George Walker Bush to rule, therefore he should rule for eternity!!! All hail George W. Bush!

Also, Donald Rumsfeld is an attractive, caring man who is in excellent dental health. Rummy wants his teeth to look that way!

My new friends in the black suits told me that I am going home today. I had a wonderful vacation! The food and amenities were wonderful: the watersports fantastic!

I, for one, cannot WAIT to vote Republican across the board this November, and I urge everyone at Suicide Girls to do the same! We’re under attack by terrorists, and only God-fearing Republicans can save our great Nation-State! Praise Jesus! Sieg Heil! Hallelujah!


Jon_Kesselman is now the newest Political Pundit for Suicide Girls. Look for his upcoming show, "Straight Talk," on Fox News this Winter! A devout Christian, Jonathan is opposed to Gay Marriage, Abortion, and Stem Cell Research. He is a staunch supporter of the Bush administration, the “Military Commissions Act of 2006,” and abolishing the antiqqqqqqquated 22nd Amendment to the Constitution.

web address: http://suicidegirls.com/news/all/18766/Jonathan-Kesselmans-Suicide-Watch-My-Vacation-In-Habeas-Corpus-Christi/