Chris Gore's Footage Fetishes: Love, Loneliness and Movies on the 14th

Valentine's Day is a torturous time for most. It puts added pressure on everyone, whether you're in a relationship or not. So, I recommend doing something that requires no interaction with whoever you're with, of course, watching a movie. And the following lists provide the best recommendations whether you're looking for romance, hooking up or wallowing in self pity.

Films for Lovers...
When typical film critics, (generally older white guys in their fifties who don't get laid all that often or enjoy life for that matter), mention the best romantic films, the same list of movies emerge—Casablanca, Gone with the Wind, Love Story, Annie Hall, blah, blah, blah… yes, we all know those are great movies. Tell us something we don't know? This list contains great romance films you may have forgotten but all of them deserve a special place among your favorite movie memories. Now, if you find yourself alone on the 14th, just mentioning that you've seen some of these movies to someone new could make that connection with a potential future romance. Or a future break up, you never know where those things lead. I'm just trying to be realistic.

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Harold is a suicidal young man who falls for a vivacious 80 year-old woman named Maude. They connect when they both discover they enjoy attending funerals for people they don't even know. But don't let this dark description stop you from seeing this emotional milestone from the 70s. Ruth Gordon and Bud Cort star in this classic May-December romance that is perhaps the most unlikely love story ever made. The result is a life-affirming tale often leaves viewers in tears. Not me, but other people.

West Side Story
This is a musical that even men aren't afraid to admit they love. This Romeo and Juliet retelling is set in 1960s New York with rival gangs influencing the fate of the great love between Tony and Maria. If your girl’s name is Maria, you may find yourself singing this song by the end.

Before Sunrise and Before Sunset
Writer/director Richard Linklater has delivered two films that provide an intimate glimpse into an emotional affair. Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy have long conversations that delve deep into love, politics, superficiality and fleeting romance. In Sunrise, the two meet and fall for each other instantly and we bear witness to their short time together. In Sunset, the two meet again after a decade while Hawke, now an author, is signing a book that documents their initial meeting which, for him at least, was a life-changing event. These two boldly honest films provide a realistic look at relationships from both sides.

King Kong (original and Peter Jackson version)
Men love Kong for the action, women love Kong for the beast. You will believe a monkey can make a woman cry.

The African Queen
Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn are reluctantly paired in this action-romance for classic film buffs. Sure, Bogart isn’t much to look at, but most likely, neither are you, which certainly offers a glimmer of hope.

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Marlon Brando and French hottie Maria Schneider begin a torrid affair involving hot sex and only one rule—no names. Featuring scintillating sex scenes and raw eroticism, this film should only be seen by couples who've already ventured into the “naked zone.” Save it for after the third date…or beyond. WARNING: You’ll never look at butter the same way again.

As Good as it Gets
Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt prove that even the mentally ill can overcome adversity and learn to love. Simultaneously uplifting, sweet and outrageously funny.

The Princess Bride
The words, “As you wish,” seem so hot after the steamy opening scenes between Robin Wright Penn and Cary Elwes. This fairy tale has a chewy and sweet romantic center appealing to the whole family.

The Bride of Frankenstein
Most film lovers might not consider a mad scientist who re-animates sewn together body parts in the interests of finding a bride for his monster as romantic, but look at the results! Elsa Manchester is absolutely gorgeous as the female companion intended for Frankenstein's monster. Her entrance is breathtaking and oddly sexy. If Goth is your thing, than there’s nothing more chilling and sentimental.

Lost in Translation
A modern May-December romance that takes Bill Murray to Japan where hilarity ensues. There he meets a young and vulnerable married girl played by Scarlett Johansson. This subtle romantic comedy provides perhaps the best opening shot for a film ever—Johansson’s behind in sheer underpants.

Moulin Rouge
This tragic musical features Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor in an operatic tale of forbidden love. This glamorous modern fable is a feast for the eyes and the heart. Yes, there’s a lot of singing and dancing, but guys, don’t let that scare you off—this film is guaranteed to leave female viewers in tears—and that’s where you come in…

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Okay, this is not a traditional romantic film, but at it’s heart, this is like two romantic comedies—one starring Bill Murray and PJ Soles and the other with Harold Ramis and Sean Young. Murray is the suave ladies man who will stop at nothing for a laugh and to top it off, he’s a complete loser who has no other choice but to join the army. His casual cool gains the attention of PJ, apparently the hottest MP in the US Army. The two discover additional uses for kitchenware in one of the film's sweetest moments. You will never look at a spatula in the same way again.

Titanic
Who knew that James Cameron’s epic recounting of the sinking of the Titanic would turn into the ultimate tragic teen movie for girls? This movie has it all—heartthrob Leo DiCaprio teaches Kate Winslet how to spit, Billy Zane goes bonkers, tons of rich snobs dying, and there’s even sex in a car. And to satisfy the guys, Leo dies in the end.

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Not every relationship is going to end well, unless it’s in a movie. But if a dose of reality is something you don’t mind in a film every once in a while, Woody Allen’s movies are rife with doomed affairs. While most would recommend something sweet from Woody like Annie Hall, his real gem is Manhattan. Allen’s black and white classic delivers sweet depression like nothing else.

Movies Guaranteed to Get You Laid...
Maybe you plan to spend the 14th indoors with that special someone? Kick off the evening with a movie to set the mood for romance—one that leaves the entire room a complete mess. Because, when romance ends up in a gooey mess, isn’t it the best kind? I mean, if you aren’t cleaning up the clothes scattered everywhere, doing laundry paying special attention to newfound stains, massaging sore muscles, applying a few band-aids in really awkward places, then did you really have a romantic evening at all?

Of course, all of this is possible, as long as you select the right film. The best part of watching a DVD at home is the ability to take full advantage of the pause button when things get too heated…off screen. The following films are absolutely guaranteed to set the mood evoking tears, laughs and all those warm feelings necessary to get the juices flowing in all the right places. And the best part of watching a romantic movie on DVD, talking during the film is completely optional. Of course, one would hope your lips would not be doing much talking at the end of the night.

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Pottery-making was never portrayed more erotically in any film before or since. Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore sizzle in this romantic-action-fantasy that often leave even men in tears or at least a little choked up. This film proves that really less is more, there’s really no need for an expensive dinner or gifts. Candlelight, soft music and some clay can be the ingredients for a perfect evening.

The Notebook
You know your man loves you if he’ll sit still for this melodramatic epic that pairs Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. Yes, it’s hot for women, and dull at times for men, but it’s only 123 minutes until the credits roll and you’ll be rolling with the person next to you, so sit back and enjoy.

Serendipity
Fate intervenes in the lives of John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale. Cusack is simply shopping for a Christmas gift for his fiancé when he meets—the one! Or is she? That’s what he wants to find out as he begins a nationwide search. As Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything, Cusack melted teenage hearts and here he proves that being a hopeless romantic is something women just cannot resist.

When Harry Met Sally
Sure, Billy Crystal is no looker, but Meg Ryan more than makes up in the beauty department in this epic romantic comedy that made it okay for women to orgasm in public. And it’s about time!

Groundhog Day
Bill Murray has the uncanny ability to woo women with his biting sense of humor, which is a lesson most men would benefit from learning. This fantasy-comedy-romance allows Bill to relive the same day over and over until he finally becomes less of a jerk and more of the man that Andie MacDowell is really looking for. It’s sweet fun all around.

Pretty Woman
It’s said that men desire both the virgin and the whore. In Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts plays both as Vivian, an actual Hollywood prostitute, who deep down, is just an innocent girl just trying to make her way in the world. Richard Gere is her millionaire knight in shining armor. The onscreen chemistry between the two is undeniable in this must-see modern romantic fable. And you can see the two go at it again in Runaway Bride.

About a Boy
It’s no secret that women love men who can nurture a child. Hugh Grant plays an unscrupulous man who poses as a single dad to bag unsuspecting women. The real twist is when the young boy teaches Grant how to be a real man.

Meet Joe Black
Death learns how to love as Brad Pitt plays Joe Black, basically Death coming to visit Anthony Hopkins. Things get complicated when Claire Forlani enters the picture giving Mr. Black reason to question his own motives. There’s no doubt that chicks dig Pitt, so let them and just enjoy the opening scene in which Brad is mercilessly run down by a slew of cars.

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I don’t care what anyone says, Janeane Garofalo in glasses is way hotter than Uma Thurman any day. I may be in the minority on this one, but glasses are just sexy. Anyway, this tale of pets and mistaken identity is cute to the core.

Family Man
Nicholas Cage’s character faced a choice—stay with his high school sweetheart or take the job of his dreams. He took the job. But, what if he had stayed with his girlfriend? Well, he gets to find out in a twist of fate. Jeremy Piven provides welcome comic relief as the perfectly annoying best friend. It’s a sappy holiday tale that will warm even the coldest heart.

Roxanne
Steve Martin has a really, really big nose in this modern update of Cyrano De Bergerac. Martin fills in as words behind Chris who falls for Roxanne (Daryl Hannah). Little does Chris know, Martin’s words are what Roxanne is really falling for. Let that be comfort to all of us ugly guys who are really well spoken.

My Best Friend's Wedding
Julia Roberts has a smile that could stop traffic and that toothy grin is in full bloom in this wildly unrealistic, but completely enjoyable comedy. However, as likeable as Roberts is, the entire cast is completely upstaged by Rupert Everett, who is sadly, unavailable.

You’ve Got Mail and Sleepless in Seattle
Meg Ryan is just too damn cute for her own good and when paired with the most likable movie star of our time, Tom Hanks, the result is romantic gold in the shape of a heart. In Sleepless, the two have only one scene together but this story of longing will leave your heart warm. Mail pits the two as rival booksellers who find common ground in the end. What you’ll find with these two films is the perfect double feature for an evenin’ of lovin’.

...And Flicks for When You're All By Your Lonesome
So, if hooking up is not going to happen, you'll need a flick to either make you laugh or spiral you deeper into depression. Any one of these will fit the bill.

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Wouldn't it be amazing if you could erase the memory of a love gone wrong? This is the bizarre set up for this instant cult classic. Director Michel Gondry pairs Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet in a doomed yet passionate affair as they fall for each other a second time. It's perfect for anyone spending Valentines' Day all alone.

American Pie
Yes, intercourse with a cream-filled confection is something that has crossed the minds of teenage boys. Really, when you’re that desperate, anything looks good. This vulgar comedy has a sweet center that appeals to both boys and girls—like a co-ed restroom—you’ll each find something for you in there.

Fast Times At Ridgemont High
Fast Times is not just a great teen movie, it’s a milestone in the genre. There are so many classic moments, from Sean Penn’s performance as the stoner Spicoli, to Judge Reinhold’s solo performance, to Phoebe Cate’s slow motion rise from the pool in which she loses her top. But none of these come even close to my personal favorite scene—Jennifer Jason Leigh teaching oral sex using a carrot.

Say Anything
John Cusack will forever be loved by women for playing Lloyd Dobbler—the sweetest boyfriend who ever lived. This teen classic shows what lengths men will go for love. Now, remember ladies, it’s only a movie. In real life, Lloyd would be arrested as a stalker.

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Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder get all gothic in this beauty and the beast tale. Depp is sympathetic as the “monster” who creates sculptures that change the world and the normal people around him. It’s a fairy tale with a tragic ending that will leave your heart filled with warmth.

Last American Virgin
It’s more than just a typical teen romp, this is a male rites of passage. For any teen who has ever been a virgin, like all of them, this one is your movie.

Dirty Dancing
Patrick Swayze falls for Jennifer Grey and the world finally learns that dancing is about a lot more than moving your feet. If you know what you’re doing on the dance floor, a lot more should be moving. If anything, this film should be inspiration for men who sideline themselves when the dance floor opens up. Get this movie, get a dance instructor, get your girl and get it on. You can thank me later.

Sixteen Candles
Molly Ringwald owned female teen angst in the 1980s, and here she shines as the girl pursuing the wrong guy. Or is she? Okay, Molly may not be the hottest female on the planet, but her virginal good girl looks made her the unattainable girl everyone wanted both on and off screen.

Risky Business
Rebecca De Mornay is a hooker with a heart that takes Tom Cruise’s innocence in more ways than one. In addition to a killer soundtrack, Risky Business has the hottest sex scene on a train ever put on film.

Pretty in Pink
Molly Ringwald is a little more grown up, but still as innocent in this.

Valley Girl
Nicolas Cage is a bad boy who ends up with a Valley girl played by the cuddly cute Deborah Foreman. Cage and Foreman are opposites and you know how those attract. The inclusion of the 80s hit song "Million Miles Away" makes this a memorable

William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet
It’s a modern day twist on a Shakespeare classic. Leo DiCaprio woos Claire Danes and while the results are mixed, there’s no doubt that chicks dig the Leo.

Porky’s
It’s refreshing to hear Porky’s referred to as a classic, because upon release of this nudity-filled teen romp, it was dismissed as juvenile drivel. Nothing could be further from the truth as the film contains deeper layers than one would admit upon first viewing. This film was the inspiration for movies like American Pie and the nudity is completely innocent. Really, it is.

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Wow! Woo! The best film about cheerleading ever! Yeah! Kirsten Dunst’s chemistry with Jesse Bradford oozes with innocence, longing and stolen glimpses of underpants.

And, if all else fails, try one of my favorite, and very rare, porn standbys on DVD...

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Let My Puppets Come!
Puppets and sex, what could be better?

Gore gone!

Chris_Gore is an author, a filmmaker, the creator of Film Threat, and plans to spend the 14th kicking the brown door in and painting it white on the way out.
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