the moon is half full and
the birds are chirping their madness and
beads of water shatter on a tablecloth and
silence is broken and
you are there beside me
and
BEHAVE!

i can't leave
and
"bullshit"
silly little man in a silly little suit

(fucking vampire)
the birds are chirping their madness,
and my neighbor isn't home
all i want to do is curl up on his couch and laaaaaaaugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.
tied up like goosefeathers, he and i.
bound.

anyway.
sugary tea and fat chicks.
i blew my wad on booze and fried food.
(it was worth it)

tomorrow, we'll be making art.
bring it, sweetheart. bring it.

yeah i totally just went on a date with my exes roommate.
i am so bad.
*sheepish look*

oh, who am i kidding... i had a fucking blast. despite a language barrier, we talked and joked and laughed for hours. saw an awesome movie and had an amazing dinner and made out a bit.
i may be bad, but i rule at being single!

tonight, i had a very weird conversation. my now ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend drunk texted me.
i have a feeling she and i are about to become very good friends.

today was a little bit better. spent the day being distracted by the massive green booze induced hangover of the night before. st patricks day is truly amateur drinker day, but somehow i found myself out at an irish pub with all my besties anyway. acting like an idiot. hey, at least i'm irish. *shrugs*

i'm still quite numb about it all.
i still don't really want to interact with many people.
and i kind of don't even know what to say about it anymore.
i've spent the past several weeks processing and analyzing and dealing with it. today, i just glazed over. can't think anymore. i think i'm at the "bury it and don't think about it" phase.
i very much look forward to hitting the "getting my mojo back" phase.
and the "able to eat 3 meals a day again" phase.

i keep finding myself drunk and coming on to an old lover of mine. he very graciously recognizes that i am in no condition for intimacy at the moment, and kindly declines my feeble/pathetic advances. he seems to not be holding them against me, but i keep waking up the next morning feeling sick about my behavior and feeling sick about the whole situation. consciously, i don't want to be with him, but i think i am just so goddamn lonely right now that i'm subconsciously acting out. being single fucking BLOWS.

anyway, that's enough of the emo.
i think i want to write a book about the history of stretch garments.
i've always wanted to write a book. and they say write what you know. well, i'm the unitard queen. so it only seems natural. who the hell would read a book about stretch garments though, aside from severely dedicated home sewers and theatre nerds?
maybe i'll do it anyway, even if it would be impossible for it to be successful. i like a challenge. i'm passionate about what i do. maybe i'm just worried that i'm not qualified enough to write a book.
*shrugs*
whatever.

thinking about taking a xanax and going to bed early... a la prochaine!

so the boy and i had the "post-mortem" tonight. (for you non-theatre people, that refers to the meeting a production crew has after a show closes to discuss how it went.)

we talked about everything that needed to be talked about. and i'm feeling really positive about it all now. i was totally wracked with nerves, wondering how it was going to go. and i went away feeling like we made some progress.

i hate to say it out loud, for fear of jinxing it... but i think there is still something there.
i hope that isn't me reading way too far into something.
i kinda want him back. i've never wanted anyone back before, and never really thought it would be feasible to even consider the idea.
right now, i can't say what will happen until we've interacted a few more times. but i'm not ruling anything out. so until then, i'm going to continue focusing on healing and growing.

so stay tuned for more on that another time!

in other news... speaking of healing and growing...it's nice to reconnect with old friends. sometimes distance puts everything into perspective. welcome back to the junkyard, darling. *hoists beer*

last night i went to my diner and sat and talked with my manager and the overnight waitress and another waiter and the 4 cops on graveyard shift until 4 am. it was fun. it's funny, when i'm working there, i can't wait to leave. but when i'm off, sometimes that's the only place i feel comfortable. love hate relationships are so WEIRD!

anyway, my bedroom is trashed, and i have my "last" week of work starting tomorrow. so i'm gonna drag my ass away from the computer for once and reset myself for the week. love you sg!

i'm taking a random trip to charleston.

for some reason, i feel like if i go south, i will find the answers i'm seeking.

i can't wait to text him from "his" town.

.....yes, i'm drunk.
no, i have no clue what to do next.
i'm throwing myself into the arms of the universe, with the same childlike innocence i had when i met keith.
maybe this time, i will figure it out.