today i blew off the diner and went out to breakfast with my dude and came home and made chili. 
i had a weird epiphany this morning. periodically me and my new friend that i met through the ex lurk our ex's facebook profile, to try to decipher what message he's sending out to the universe via his profile pic. last week it was a picture of a steel flower that he forged for me when we were dating. this week, apparently, it's him and his best friend wearing godawful american flag t-shirts and throwing the horns.
so while i'm madly in love with someone other than him, i still lurk sometimes. i can't help it, i'm just a lurky bastard like that. damn cancerian sentimentality.
today i lurked. saw the new pic. and i laughed out loud, tired and hungover at like 8 in the morning. and it was that same genuine laughter that i would give to a friend who posted something funny. no sentimentality. no pain. no longing. actually, that's a lie, because therein lies my epiphany.
i wish i'd never dated my ex.
he was the worlds shittiest boyfriend. hindsight shows me that, and i cringe and how hard i turned a blind eye to that.
but as a friend... goddamn did we have fun.
and i miss him as a friend.
unfortunately, he will never get past the fact that we used to fuck and claimed to love one another. he can never look past "katie as a girlfriend" and see "katie as a friend". i could never randomly text him something hilarious. we could never go out drinking together. despite the fact that we both sort of fit into each others lives in that particular context, i can never again say to him, "let's do a few more shots of whiskey and go to qxt's and get into a fight with someone."
cause, you know, it just wouldn't be appropriate.
"oh hey, shaun, what's up? oh not much, i'm just headed to the bar to grab a few beers with the guy who turned me into a weepy, chainsmoking mess for two months. i love you too babe, i'll call you later." yeah, i could totally see that.
so... *shrugs* i didn't know any better, and i lost a friend. same with married guy, who i feel absolutely nothing towards now, but he's terrified of me. so i'll randomly text him and he can barely muster a "lol" in reply.
WHATEVER.
i think if it boiled down to a choice, i'd take the neighborhood bar with my new dude any day. because, frankly, (hahahaa!) i'm more comfortable with him than i have been with anyone since gonzo77. i feel more in my own skin than i have in three years. so can i sacrifice a potential friendship with someone who surely wouldn't answer the phone when i desperately needed him?
absolutely.
no pangs.
selah.
so while i'm madly in love with someone other than him, i still lurk sometimes. i can't help it, i'm just a lurky bastard like that. damn cancerian sentimentality.
today i lurked. saw the new pic. and i laughed out loud, tired and hungover at like 8 in the morning. and it was that same genuine laughter that i would give to a friend who posted something funny. no sentimentality. no pain. no longing. actually, that's a lie, because therein lies my epiphany.
i wish i'd never dated my ex.
he was the worlds shittiest boyfriend. hindsight shows me that, and i cringe and how hard i turned a blind eye to that.
but as a friend... goddamn did we have fun.
and i miss him as a friend.
unfortunately, he will never get past the fact that we used to fuck and claimed to love one another. he can never look past "katie as a girlfriend" and see "katie as a friend". i could never randomly text him something hilarious. we could never go out drinking together. despite the fact that we both sort of fit into each others lives in that particular context, i can never again say to him, "let's do a few more shots of whiskey and go to qxt's and get into a fight with someone."
cause, you know, it just wouldn't be appropriate.
"oh hey, shaun, what's up? oh not much, i'm just headed to the bar to grab a few beers with the guy who turned me into a weepy, chainsmoking mess for two months. i love you too babe, i'll call you later." yeah, i could totally see that.
so... *shrugs* i didn't know any better, and i lost a friend. same with married guy, who i feel absolutely nothing towards now, but he's terrified of me. so i'll randomly text him and he can barely muster a "lol" in reply.
WHATEVER.
i think if it boiled down to a choice, i'd take the neighborhood bar with my new dude any day. because, frankly, (hahahaa!) i'm more comfortable with him than i have been with anyone since gonzo77. i feel more in my own skin than i have in three years. so can i sacrifice a potential friendship with someone who surely wouldn't answer the phone when i desperately needed him?
absolutely.
no pangs.
selah.
so i've spent the better part of the past 3 years moaning, "when is life going to get back to normal again?!?" i keep thinking it did, and then something inevitably went awry, and boom! back to weirdness.
i think it might actually be normal now though.
awesome apartment with awesome roommate- check.
awesome full-time career and decent part time gig and the occasional freelance gig- check. finally.
awesome friends that i'd trust with my life- check.
amazing boyfriend- chiggidy check check.
loving and supportive family- check. weird, right?
stable finances- check.
mostly functioning car, or the ability to get around- eenh... i guess check. nothings perfect.
fun projects in the works- check.
no anxiety attacks, a normal appetite, and a slowly stabilized sleep schedule- dare i say, check.
no drama- FUCKING CHECK!
so yeah. i guess now i am going to start being really fucking dull again. oh woe is me, with my normal, stable, and happy life. *staples hand to forehead* sorry. i guess now i have to make up some epic drama to blog about!
junip is playing nyc in two weeks. camping in july. might be going to flor-ee-duh in august. oh yeah!
xoxoxox
love you sg!
i think it might actually be normal now though.
awesome apartment with awesome roommate- check.
awesome full-time career and decent part time gig and the occasional freelance gig- check. finally.
awesome friends that i'd trust with my life- check.
amazing boyfriend- chiggidy check check.
loving and supportive family- check. weird, right?
stable finances- check.
mostly functioning car, or the ability to get around- eenh... i guess check. nothings perfect.
fun projects in the works- check.
no anxiety attacks, a normal appetite, and a slowly stabilized sleep schedule- dare i say, check.
no drama- FUCKING CHECK!
so yeah. i guess now i am going to start being really fucking dull again. oh woe is me, with my normal, stable, and happy life. *staples hand to forehead* sorry. i guess now i have to make up some epic drama to blog about!
junip is playing nyc in two weeks. camping in july. might be going to flor-ee-duh in august. oh yeah!
xoxoxox
love you sg!
i have a lot to say but i wouldn't know the first place to start. maybe just a quick rundown.
work is going well on all fronts. i'm just getting over being sick for a month. i'm currently seeing frenchie AND a guy i went to high school with. dating is time consuming and expensive. renovations at home continue. i have a stack of books to read, some new music, and the mole i had removed was not cancerous. so i kinda beat cancer. lol. i know someone on here is going to admonish me for making fun of cancer, and i'd like to qualify that by saying i don't take cancer lightly, i've lost a lot of folks to it myself and i am fully aware of what a fucking evil disease it is. but if you can't laugh when life throws really scary shit your way, then i dunno how you don't break. i was really convinced for a day or two that i had fucking cancer. that was scary. ANYWAY
next weekend i have a fuckton of things to do and my car is still kaput. hopefully i will get it back soon. until then, i am relying on the kindness of friends to shuttle my ass around.
pics soon, i should take some i suppose.
ok, see you again next mondee!
work is going well on all fronts. i'm just getting over being sick for a month. i'm currently seeing frenchie AND a guy i went to high school with. dating is time consuming and expensive. renovations at home continue. i have a stack of books to read, some new music, and the mole i had removed was not cancerous. so i kinda beat cancer. lol. i know someone on here is going to admonish me for making fun of cancer, and i'd like to qualify that by saying i don't take cancer lightly, i've lost a lot of folks to it myself and i am fully aware of what a fucking evil disease it is. but if you can't laugh when life throws really scary shit your way, then i dunno how you don't break. i was really convinced for a day or two that i had fucking cancer. that was scary. ANYWAY
next weekend i have a fuckton of things to do and my car is still kaput. hopefully i will get it back soon. until then, i am relying on the kindness of friends to shuttle my ass around.
pics soon, i should take some i suppose.
ok, see you again next mondee!
of COURSE i get sick right before i have a long weekend of running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. *shakes fist in vague annoyance at the universe*
in other news, tonight i finally got to see "the assassination of jesse james" at my lovely neighbors house. it was a bit surreal, as i have one of the songs from the soundtrack set as my alarm on my phone. and they played that song like 6 times in the movie. so about every ten minutes we were like, "aaugh! there it is again!" lol. it was a decent movie, but i don't think i ever want to watch it again. great cast. beautiful cinematography. and i got to see medusa peek her head out of tre's trousers... hehe trousersnake. that's just so wrong. anyway!
while i was sitting next door sweating and contemplating setting a new alarm on my phone, my awesome roommate went grocery shopping, picked up my laundry for me, came home and scrubbed the bathroom and vacuumed the living room- which, coincidentally, looks like a bomb hit since we started taking down the drop ceiling. isn't he great?? i swear, sometimes he's better at anticipating my needs than half the guys i've dated.
i have more to say, but my head feels like it's packed with surgical gauze, so i'm gonna try to get some sleep. hopefully the nap i took earlier won't keep me up until all hours. fingers crossed that tomorrow i won't be so achey. or hungry. full fledged pms appetite has returned, so i am also feeling quite fat right now. but that's okay, because i'm eating again, which means i'm happy, which means everything is okay.
night sg!
in other news, tonight i finally got to see "the assassination of jesse james" at my lovely neighbors house. it was a bit surreal, as i have one of the songs from the soundtrack set as my alarm on my phone. and they played that song like 6 times in the movie. so about every ten minutes we were like, "aaugh! there it is again!" lol. it was a decent movie, but i don't think i ever want to watch it again. great cast. beautiful cinematography. and i got to see medusa peek her head out of tre's trousers... hehe trousersnake. that's just so wrong. anyway!
while i was sitting next door sweating and contemplating setting a new alarm on my phone, my awesome roommate went grocery shopping, picked up my laundry for me, came home and scrubbed the bathroom and vacuumed the living room- which, coincidentally, looks like a bomb hit since we started taking down the drop ceiling. isn't he great??
i swear, sometimes he's better at anticipating my needs than half the guys i've dated. i have more to say, but my head feels like it's packed with surgical gauze, so i'm gonna try to get some sleep. hopefully the nap i took earlier won't keep me up until all hours. fingers crossed that tomorrow i won't be so achey. or hungry. full fledged pms appetite has returned, so i am also feeling quite fat right now. but that's okay, because i'm eating again, which means i'm happy, which means everything is okay.
night sg!
