i have a feeling she and i are about to become very good friends.
today was a little bit better. spent the day being distracted by the massive green booze induced hangover of the night before. st patricks day is truly amateur drinker day, but somehow i found myself out at an irish pub with all my besties anyway. acting like an idiot. hey, at least i'm irish. *shrugs*
i'm still quite numb about it all.
i still don't really want to interact with many people.
and i kind of don't even know what to say about it anymore.
i've spent the past several weeks processing and analyzing and dealing with it. today, i just glazed over. can't think anymore. i think i'm at the "bury it and don't think about it" phase.
i very much look forward to hitting the "getting my mojo back" phase.
and the "able to eat 3 meals a day again" phase.
i keep finding myself drunk and coming on to an old lover of mine. he very graciously recognizes that i am in no condition for intimacy at the moment, and kindly declines my feeble/pathetic advances. he seems to not be holding them against me, but i keep waking up the next morning feeling sick about my behavior and feeling sick about the whole situation. consciously, i don't want to be with him, but i think i am just so goddamn lonely right now that i'm subconsciously acting out. being single fucking BLOWS.
anyway, that's enough of the emo.
i think i want to write a book about the history of stretch garments.
i've always wanted to write a book. and they say write what you know. well, i'm the unitard queen. so it only seems natural. who the hell would read a book about stretch garments though, aside from severely dedicated home sewers and theatre nerds?
maybe i'll do it anyway, even if it would be impossible for it to be successful. i like a challenge. i'm passionate about what i do. maybe i'm just worried that i'm not qualified enough to write a book.
*shrugs*
whatever.
thinking about taking a xanax and going to bed early... a la prochaine!
we talked about everything that needed to be talked about. and i'm feeling really positive about it all now. i was totally wracked with nerves, wondering how it was going to go. and i went away feeling like we made some progress.
i hate to say it out loud, for fear of jinxing it... but i think there is still something there.
i hope that isn't me reading way too far into something.
i kinda want him back. i've never wanted anyone back before, and never really thought it would be feasible to even consider the idea.
right now, i can't say what will happen until we've interacted a few more times. but i'm not ruling anything out. so until then, i'm going to continue focusing on healing and growing.
so stay tuned for more on that another time!
in other news... speaking of healing and growing...it's nice to reconnect with old friends. sometimes distance puts everything into perspective. welcome back to the junkyard, darling. *hoists beer*
last night i went to my diner and sat and talked with my manager and the overnight waitress and another waiter and the 4 cops on graveyard shift until 4 am. it was fun. it's funny, when i'm working there, i can't wait to leave. but when i'm off, sometimes that's the only place i feel comfortable. love hate relationships are so WEIRD!
anyway, my bedroom is trashed, and i have my "last" week of work starting tomorrow. so i'm gonna drag my ass away from the computer for once and reset myself for the week. love you sg!
for some reason, i feel like if i go south, i will find the answers i'm seeking.
i can't wait to text him from "his" town.
.....yes, i'm drunk.
no, i have no clue what to do next.
i'm throwing myself into the arms of the universe, with the same childlike innocence i had when i met keith.
maybe this time, i will figure it out.
monday night was my sleep center appointment. i got a bunch of wires strapped to my head and body, and had a rather fitful time sleeping and napping into the next day. it was fun for the first hour or so, at least. the technician was hilarious, and distracted me with jokes. caffeine deprivation and forced naps= one cranky zoo. i have a follow up appointment friday to find out just how crazy my sleep apnea really is. and it took almost all week to get the electrode gel completely out of my hair.
also monday night, my car shit the bed. so i had a bit of a panic getting to and from sleep center/work/etc. thought it was the battery, but after buying a new one and having my awesome roommate switch it out for me, we discovered that it wasn't actually the battery. so tomorrow i get to tow it somewhere and spend some more money that i don't have trying to fix it.
so yeah, i'm back at work again. had a stressful week of fittings and deadlines, and the snowpocalypse made for a fun commute. plus even though it's good for my psyche to be out of the house and working, my shop is nearly empty. so i feel a little crazy after a full day of sitting in silence, sewing and waiting for someone to text me so i can fucking interact with another human being.
my fridge is dying. that's fun.
tuesday night i hung out with my crazy ex-fiancees best friend, who i got to keep in the divorce. last time i saw him, i was still seeing married guy. so we had a lot of catching up to do. and by catching up i mean drinking copious amounts of alcohol. i got shitfaced and had to leave abruptly when my stomach rebelled violently. (guess which end? heehee) got into a fight with a bus driver about whether or not njtransit cross-honors bus and rail passes.
and i'm sure some other things went wrong, but i think i've had my fill of bitching for the moment. actually, some things definitely went wrong, but i haven't completely processed that yet, so i'll save it for next time.
in short, i am determined to make this week better.
i started by tearing up the bathroom rug tonight, followed by derceto's homemade chicken soup, pbr, and mr. brooks on lifetime. they cut out the ultraviolence, but it's still an amazing movie.
check out that tile!!!
btw... welcome to the neighborhood, tre.
now i'm off to play some starfleet and hit the hay.
long overdue picture update!
friday night, derceto and i had some company...
over drinks the other night, derceto and i got to chatting about some further renovations we would like to do to our place. my dude has been busy renovating his place, and it inspired me to think about what else i'd like to tweak. first to go, the carpet in the bathroom. derceto got some great black linoleum peel and stick tiles that i cannot WAIT to install! then we're thinking about a chandelier for the kitchen. but what REALLY has a wild hair up my ass is the damn drop ceilings. seriously, they look like they were pulled out of an abandoned office building after the zombie apocalypse! they are so gross and dirty and ugly, i've been wanting to get rid of them for years. and once i get the landlords permission, that is exactly what i plan to do. so in preparation, i stuck my camera in the ceilings.
most of the rooms look like this. undamaged, or with very minor damage. nothing a little spackle and paint couldn't fix:
the kitchen ceiling...it has tin ceilings underneath! TIN! looks like it would need some work around the light fixture there, but i already found a company online that reproduces tin ceiling tiles that has this EXACTt pattern in white:
the bathroom also has tin ceilings!!! with some of the cornices intact!!!
unfortunately, only half of the bathroom ceiling is still in good shape. 
the other half is a complete shit show, and over our shower there is a gaping hole where damaged pipes have gone unrepaired for too long for me to want to deal with:
what a shame. so beautiful. look at that cornice!
so for the bathroom, i have found a couple of sources for plastic drop ceiling tiles in tin ceiling patterns. if i must have the drop ceilings to cover the insane amount of water damage, i at least want them to be pretty.
...
in other news, i have my sleep center appointment tonight. yay for finally getting my sleep apnea dealt with!!
i also wear glasses for driving now. i wish i needed them all the time though, for they are adorkable and cost way too much money to only wear for driving. lol.
anyway... all i have left on my unemployment to do list is to upload my Day in the Life project from fucking october lol. so methinks i will go do that right now. love you kiddies!! 
