I just finally finished my resume, tonight.

After that, I finally sent it into a place.. where I may get a job.

I'm so fucking nervous right now.

The Longest Post...

On Monday friends from out of town were planning on arriving, but they both got sick. Making it so that plans would have to be put off, until the next day. Not wanting to just sit on my ass, surf randomly, and chat with random people. Going out on my own, was my only option, by choice and force. On that night a post was started, it was supposed to have been finished that night, but ecto’s trial expired (the decision to buy it was made way to late to finish it). Said post, has sat in the folder since then, it’s been opened a few times, and looked over. But only tonight has the ‘writers bug’ hit me to finish it off.

This will be a melding somewhat of that post, and tonight’s entry. To let you know, it’s 925pm, and currently this is being written in a laundromat.

Monday Night, approximately 11pm.



lately I have been working more on getting rid of certain ... traits (for lack of a better term) out of my system.

• whining
• worrying/paranoia
• not being able to be alone, and enjoy it
• learning that absense does make the heart grow fonder (for lack of a better term).
• not putting anything worthwhile, into a conversation, or into starting a in depth one.
• standing up for myself, and bringing into a conversation occurences that have bothered me.

The first two came easily, in the past short while, my worry/whine side has depleated to extremely low levels. This, is a good fact, as most of the time I do this too often.

Moving alone, I have always been able to enjoy my time alone, but not as much as I should. So, as of late, I've been forcing myself to be alone, more often, and finding activities to fill my time with. Such as cleaning my apartment, going to Ikea (supplies were needed, and a bookcase), and for tonight using my night off to peruse the city of Cow, and take photos.



I have a inability to leave some people alone, even after seeing them a fair amount in the space of a few days. This does fall in with the 'being alone' section, but deserves a mention none the less.

Generally, I've noticed that in both online and real life, I don't add to a conversation for the most part. I add some banter (some days witty, most of the time not), or just random comments. Deep down, there is intelligence in me, that hard part of this list item is bringing it back out.

Ever since my youth, having a backbone has never been a high priority, or something that has really been needed. Nary a time has been I haven't been able to turn to someone else to help me out, or take care of my problems. Fast forward to now, and I've become a good doormat for generally anyone to stomp over. Rarely I stand up for myself at the time, even more rare that I bring it up after the fact.

Sidenote, I'm getting addicted to chai, thanks shutter (explicitive)

Hrm, time to go take my chai and think.

1139pm (Alberta Time)



As good a place as any... 12:07am....




I've always had a strange love affair with old buildings, the sad part is only finding at best one's that are a hundred or so years... nothing better in this city that destroy's itself at a whim. More thinking, more doing... more wandering and dreaming.

The hardest part of growing up, is making yourself not grow old.

12:09am

3:40am.

I ended getting back home at about 1am. I've sat around on the computer, and chatted on SG.

That, and tossed the idea back and forth of buying ecto, I finally broke down, seeing that it was holding this post hostage.

Bastard program.

*end of Monday Night Post*

During the walk home I took one more picture of the walk back home.



This reminded me of Rebecca, my last ‘serious’ relationship girlfriend. She loved that series of books (but only in french, and from what I remeber was how she learned said language). At one point I wanted to get her some of those books. Somedays I do miss that person, but more it’s out of wondering what she has been doing with her life.

I never want to be with her again. For that I’m glad.

934pm, Time to head home. laundry’s done, i need coffee.

Friday October 1. 1030am
After getting home with my laundry, dropping it all over my bed, and running down to Badass to meet up for coffee with a friend. Arriving there at about 945, finding the place packed with what seemed to be a hundred or so D&D freaks, my friend and I sat outside. Eventually moving in for some warmth, and better chairs.

No work was actually done on said resume or cover letter, other then coming up with a few good terms for my jobs, and getting ahold of his book (101 Great Tech Resumes). We sat and chatted regarding his demo DVD, and the problems of getting his plane model to render properly. My side of the night was informing him regarding why I needed my resume so quickly, regarding a slim (but chance none the less) to get a better job soon.

Most of the conversation, regarded my own current topic of change, and now wanting to be the same person anymore. It’s not been easy getting rid of traits that I should have grown out of years ago, and to overcome my own genetic faults as well.

1043pm, breaks over.
157pm.

If this day never ends, it’ll be too damn soon, first day of the month and every asshole seems to pick MY workplace todo buisness in. Fuckers.

Where was the conversation... ah yes, changes.

It’s not just cutting out the above listed items, but also not saying sorry everytime something happens that wasn’t my fault, or makes someone else uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean I’m getting rid of my manners, but just wanting to not be a doormat for every person on this planet.

My youth was always filled with two main items, television and movies, pulling from many traits that I looked up to. It seems that after twenty-three years, I have yet to really put thought to action. In a lot of ways, a child still controls this mind/body, so now it’s more putting thought to action.

Always looking up to people/characters that were ‘cool’ in all situations is what I’ve always wanted to be but, never really worked at doing such. Being releaxed, not worrying but still caring, not whining but still defending myself. That, in the end is what I want to be, how I want people to see me in the end.

There is no deadline, and there can’t be one for situations like this. Thankfully right now, I have many friends willing to listen, give perspective, and most of all be honest to me.

It’s not about me worrying about others think, but it is about if I am projecting who I wam to be.

The last item on the list, and the hardest, is my written english. It’s been needless to say, lacking, for quite sometime.

208pm, breaks over, and this post, is just about done as well.
1011pm.

Most of this night has been wasted in a sloth like faith, the rest will be saved in a manic like work. Tonight my resume will be finished, checked, checked again, and either tonight or tomorrow emailed away.







Pictures taken on the Tuesday past.

Current Sound: CJSW - University of Calgary Radio

Finished, approxiamately, 1010 pm. Alberta Time.

i'm hittng the sack.

major post tomorrow.

with pics.

g'night.

freinds that are moving to Tdot... were supposed to arrive tonight.

they called saying they won't be in till tomorrow... in the afternoon. sometime.

i took tomorrow off.

fuck.

that. and i'm tired as all hell... i think i'm going to get a coffee, sit, read, draw, and play on the iBook.

which, for those that read, doesn't have a name... still.

dammit all.

i'm such a geek.
i have a old ti-83 graphing calculator

i want to start using it again.

so i might just get a usb cord for it.

20-30$

thanks to the few that commented on my 'essay' for the online dating.

now to decide one thing out of three.

1. do i turn my profile back on.

2. do i turn it on, and let it sit.

3. turn it on, and smile at randoms.

...

...

...

mreh.

sleep time

This is what I meant to post last night, and tried submitting it to the advice section. Didn't get in, so posting it here.

It's for my online dating profile, yes I use one, I hate going to bars to 'meet' people, and prefer this anyways.

So, ladies, does this give a good impression?

So far, one of my friends has stated it 'sounds' like me.

Without the rude gestures, and snippy comments... with heavy sarcasm.

Lemme know, thanks.

----


This is what I want in someone.

Honest: while this doesn’t mean you tell me your entire life story the first time we meet, this does mean you let your intentions known in regards to what you want, whether it be dating, or relationship. I have no problems answering questions on my history in life, so if you have things to hide, just make sure they aren’t things that would harm mine.

Intelligent: I’m not looking for a Harvard grad, but rather someone who can hold a good conversation on a variety of things. So if all you know is the latest in fashion or what Paris Hilton is up to... move along.

Independent: I enjoy my time alone, and can find something to do with it at any time of day. I have my own life setup, you should too.

Healthy: I don’t find supermodels attractive, just looking for someone who takes care of them self both physically and mentally. I know that no one is perfect, but I’m not wanting to meet the next female Norman Bates either.

Right now I am getting my life back on track, and starting a career in design. While I’m not looking for a relationship, I’m not about to run from the chance either. I do have standards and can adapt to situations, but I’m not willing to just settle for anyone that crosses my path.

Ego is a part of everyones life, mine is no exception. To make it known, I’m no one’s doormat or ‘yes man’, and I want the same in others around me. I enjoy people who state their mind, even if we don’t see eye to eye.

Nights out on the town are a part of my life, but I do enjoy just chilling with friends, whether that is at a coffee house, or just random locations around town.

I have many goals for my life that I will complete. From writing a book, to just learning how to snowboard, the end result will be a life full of experience.

As for me, I’m a highly skilled enigma, if your interested in learning more, drop a smile or line... see what happens from there.

Nothing risked, is nothing gained....

What I had posted here. I have posted elsewhere.

This, has todo with yesterdays post.

Enjoy.

This will be something I'll be re-reading probably for a while.

Why?

In part, that describes me practially to a T, for how I was with a ex.

In part, it still holds some truth, for how I am.

It came from this thread, which holds quite abit of both wisdom, and good quotes to read everyday, for those (like me) who need a kick in the pants.

After that, atleast to me, there wasn’t to many other good quoteables... mostly the thread went all to hell.

With myself sometimes taking the helm on that one. Sweet Jesus, I need to learn to READ, THINK, POST.... maybe think more.

Not sure.

I keep remembering how I used to be, at 16, 18, 19, 21, and now.

I’ve changed a lot over the years, just ask my parents. Since moving from my hometown of Prince George (born raised, aside from grade 3-4 in MacKenzie BC), a few things have happenned.

I’ve managed to hold a job, as a security officer from Aug 2000, to Feb 2004. That, is no small feat, and anyone who thinks so, should walk a mile in those shoes. You generally, in one shift, at my site, would walk. about 10, per day. No shitting.

While attending AMTC/Sprott Shaw wasn’t the best professional choice, it gave me the chance to come out of my shell more, meet new people, make some lifelong friends, and make me realize one thing.

I LOVE design.

I’ve taken chances, like dating the bosses daughter for more then a year, and not having to keep it a secret either.

Because of that person, I did enter into AMTC, but because of her, I got emotionally fucked up.

Because of the emotional fuck ups, I started becoming more of a man. Letting go, doing some crazy things, and joining up a dating site, which started my fun for the past few months.

Since the new year, on my own, I dated 6 people.

Before that, I had only dated 3 (and one more for a week, but that doesn’t count), in 5 years.

Some of those people helped change my life, show me new ideals, and give me a good push.

Most of them, I will never get to thank.

One or two, will be my friends for years.

In the past while.

I’ve stopping worrying so much, and stopped whining about girls, problems.

What’s next? Standing up for myself.

Not just with girls/women, but with myself, people, work... life.

I’m not interested in being overbearing, just not going to be a doormat for the rest of my life either.

Not settling for second best, because I’m worth the first place.

I’m a good human being, but I’m not perfect. I’ve known this for years.

I’m worth-ful, to quote one person. Have been for quite sometime, just haven’t realized it.

Where does all this thought come from?

A six foot two inch, slim built, twenty three year old, white guy.

Who for his entire life, has watched, waited, though, helped, handed up/down, healed, talked, met, sat, played, fought, won, and lost many times over.

But from now on...

well, that ... would be telling wouldn’t it?

Good feelings, and snags of better things yet to come.