The Longest Post...

On Monday friends from out of town were planning on arriving, but they both got sick. Making it so that plans would have to be put off, until the next day. Not wanting to just sit on my ass, surf randomly, and chat with random people. Going out on my own, was my only option, by choice and force. On that night a post was started, it was supposed to have been finished that night, but ecto’s trial expired (the decision to buy it was made way to late to finish it). Said post, has sat in the folder since then, it’s been opened a few times, and looked over. But only tonight has the ‘writers bug’ hit me to finish it off.

This will be a melding somewhat of that post, and tonight’s entry. To let you know, it’s 925pm, and currently this is being written in a laundromat.

Monday Night, approximately 11pm.



lately I have been working more on getting rid of certain ... traits (for lack of a better term) out of my system.

• whining
• worrying/paranoia
• not being able to be alone, and enjoy it
• learning that absense does make the heart grow fonder (for lack of a better term).
• not putting anything worthwhile, into a conversation, or into starting a in depth one.
• standing up for myself, and bringing into a conversation occurences that have bothered me.

The first two came easily, in the past short while, my worry/whine side has depleated to extremely low levels. This, is a good fact, as most of the time I do this too often.

Moving alone, I have always been able to enjoy my time alone, but not as much as I should. So, as of late, I've been forcing myself to be alone, more often, and finding activities to fill my time with. Such as cleaning my apartment, going to Ikea (supplies were needed, and a bookcase), and for tonight using my night off to peruse the city of Cow, and take photos.



I have a inability to leave some people alone, even after seeing them a fair amount in the space of a few days. This does fall in with the 'being alone' section, but deserves a mention none the less.

Generally, I've noticed that in both online and real life, I don't add to a conversation for the most part. I add some banter (some days witty, most of the time not), or just random comments. Deep down, there is intelligence in me, that hard part of this list item is bringing it back out.

Ever since my youth, having a backbone has never been a high priority, or something that has really been needed. Nary a time has been I haven't been able to turn to someone else to help me out, or take care of my problems. Fast forward to now, and I've become a good doormat for generally anyone to stomp over. Rarely I stand up for myself at the time, even more rare that I bring it up after the fact.

Sidenote, I'm getting addicted to chai, thanks shutter (explicitive)

Hrm, time to go take my chai and think.

1139pm (Alberta Time)



As good a place as any... 12:07am....




I've always had a strange love affair with old buildings, the sad part is only finding at best one's that are a hundred or so years... nothing better in this city that destroy's itself at a whim. More thinking, more doing... more wandering and dreaming.

The hardest part of growing up, is making yourself not grow old.

12:09am

3:40am.

I ended getting back home at about 1am. I've sat around on the computer, and chatted on SG.

That, and tossed the idea back and forth of buying ecto, I finally broke down, seeing that it was holding this post hostage.

Bastard program.

*end of Monday Night Post*

During the walk home I took one more picture of the walk back home.



This reminded me of Rebecca, my last ‘serious’ relationship girlfriend. She loved that series of books (but only in french, and from what I remeber was how she learned said language). At one point I wanted to get her some of those books. Somedays I do miss that person, but more it’s out of wondering what she has been doing with her life.

I never want to be with her again. For that I’m glad.

934pm, Time to head home. laundry’s done, i need coffee.

Friday October 1. 1030am
After getting home with my laundry, dropping it all over my bed, and running down to Badass to meet up for coffee with a friend. Arriving there at about 945, finding the place packed with what seemed to be a hundred or so D&D freaks, my friend and I sat outside. Eventually moving in for some warmth, and better chairs.

No work was actually done on said resume or cover letter, other then coming up with a few good terms for my jobs, and getting ahold of his book (101 Great Tech Resumes). We sat and chatted regarding his demo DVD, and the problems of getting his plane model to render properly. My side of the night was informing him regarding why I needed my resume so quickly, regarding a slim (but chance none the less) to get a better job soon.

Most of the conversation, regarded my own current topic of change, and now wanting to be the same person anymore. It’s not been easy getting rid of traits that I should have grown out of years ago, and to overcome my own genetic faults as well.

1043pm, breaks over.
157pm.

If this day never ends, it’ll be too damn soon, first day of the month and every asshole seems to pick MY workplace todo buisness in. Fuckers.

Where was the conversation... ah yes, changes.

It’s not just cutting out the above listed items, but also not saying sorry everytime something happens that wasn’t my fault, or makes someone else uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean I’m getting rid of my manners, but just wanting to not be a doormat for every person on this planet.

My youth was always filled with two main items, television and movies, pulling from many traits that I looked up to. It seems that after twenty-three years, I have yet to really put thought to action. In a lot of ways, a child still controls this mind/body, so now it’s more putting thought to action.

Always looking up to people/characters that were ‘cool’ in all situations is what I’ve always wanted to be but, never really worked at doing such. Being releaxed, not worrying but still caring, not whining but still defending myself. That, in the end is what I want to be, how I want people to see me in the end.

There is no deadline, and there can’t be one for situations like this. Thankfully right now, I have many friends willing to listen, give perspective, and most of all be honest to me.

It’s not about me worrying about others think, but it is about if I am projecting who I wam to be.

The last item on the list, and the hardest, is my written english. It’s been needless to say, lacking, for quite sometime.

208pm, breaks over, and this post, is just about done as well.
1011pm.

Most of this night has been wasted in a sloth like faith, the rest will be saved in a manic like work. Tonight my resume will be finished, checked, checked again, and either tonight or tomorrow emailed away.







Pictures taken on the Tuesday past.

Current Sound: CJSW - University of Calgary Radio

Finished, approxiamately, 1010 pm. Alberta Time.