Well boy howdy... someone gave me a gift subscription, not sure who, but i'm not sure how much i'm gonna use it... it's been 2 years, and stuff... so yep.
i came to a realization today. i've wondered a lot whether or not my depression was just a way i subconsciously tried to get attention, and it struck me... i've been like this since before i could get attention from it. i would cry alone in my bed at night at the fact that i had no real friends, and then eventually that turned into the lack of girlfriend. i've been depressed for as long as i can remember, but it hasn't always been in the eye of others.
sorry for posting this here, it's the only place i have to say this that i don't feel i'll completely ridiculed.
sorry for posting this here, it's the only place i have to say this that i don't feel i'll completely ridiculed.
I'm coming back to the SG community, i'm happier than i've ever been, i'm in my first relationship and it's better than i could have ever hoped for, and i've made tons of new friends... April fools.
thought i'd give everyone a small update. got my first tattoo, spent 6.5 hours on it so far and it's not done, i'm told it's only 1.5 hours left but who knows. and here's what it looks like
after first sitting
after second sitting
actually realized that just because i may not hang out with people i know in real life doesn't mean they aren't my friends, and i currently consider myself to have 3 real life friends, and a handful of people who i enjoy their company.
i recently realized i have my first crush on someone i've known in real life in about 4 years. haven't made much progress on it, but i've gotten myself saying hi to her first, and i actually complimented her in person, which i think is the first time in my life i've done that due to my shyness. so yeah i'm making small progress and such, trying to be a little happier than i've been, and i hope it lasts of course, i dunno it seems like a different day, it's the holidays and i'm not in a down mood so i guess things are looking up.
but really the main reason for the post was i wanted to let people see my tattoo.
after first sitting
after second sitting
actually realized that just because i may not hang out with people i know in real life doesn't mean they aren't my friends, and i currently consider myself to have 3 real life friends, and a handful of people who i enjoy their company.
i recently realized i have my first crush on someone i've known in real life in about 4 years. haven't made much progress on it, but i've gotten myself saying hi to her first, and i actually complimented her in person, which i think is the first time in my life i've done that due to my shyness. so yeah i'm making small progress and such, trying to be a little happier than i've been, and i hope it lasts of course, i dunno it seems like a different day, it's the holidays and i'm not in a down mood so i guess things are looking up.
but really the main reason for the post was i wanted to let people see my tattoo.
i'm leaving... seriously i just am sick of so much shit here. i get misunderstood with meaning of things all the god damn time and people get pissed off at me over it.
if i don't sensor myself, or make sure i say things perfectly amazing elequent i get people posting shit about how disgusted with some people they are. i just can't do this anymore. if i wanted to argue all the time and have people hate me i'd probably be more into politics and i'd be on the CE boards all the time.
i just outright hate people. people can be so cruel and non-understanding. they jump to conclusions about motives that are always the worst possible, and they always try to make me seem like the most awful person ever. i don't like it, i don't need it.
i have to be perfect for so fucking many people or i get pointed out how much of a failure i am.
that being said i'm not saying it's everyone and i am not overexagerating.
i'm not a good person, i think about myself far too much and others far too little, i don't know how to interact with people the right way because it always seems i mess up and hurt someone or say something hurtful when i don't mean it to be. i really should die.
if i don't sensor myself, or make sure i say things perfectly amazing elequent i get people posting shit about how disgusted with some people they are. i just can't do this anymore. if i wanted to argue all the time and have people hate me i'd probably be more into politics and i'd be on the CE boards all the time.
i just outright hate people. people can be so cruel and non-understanding. they jump to conclusions about motives that are always the worst possible, and they always try to make me seem like the most awful person ever. i don't like it, i don't need it.
i have to be perfect for so fucking many people or i get pointed out how much of a failure i am.
that being said i'm not saying it's everyone and i am not overexagerating.
i'm not a good person, i think about myself far too much and others far too little, i don't know how to interact with people the right way because it always seems i mess up and hurt someone or say something hurtful when i don't mean it to be. i really should die.
I'm gonna talk about a few things that have kinda had me a little happy lately.
so last friday my brother's wife gave birth to their new son. i didn't go to the hospital to see them at all, because i don't like hospitals a lot lately, and i didn't visit my other brother's wife when she gave birth so it would have felt a little weird. but anyways, on monday they came into my work. one of my managers told me they were out there. so i walk out and my other nephew tells me to close my eyes. so i poked him, this goes on several more times, until he gives up trying to surprise me and opens up the baby stroller so i can see his new brother.
mind you i don't find new borns very cute, but i dunno i think being that he's family he sort of was to me. but more so i thought to myself, i can't wait till this little guy is older, i hope he likes me as much as his older brother seems to. i dunno, i guess i look forward to the days where i can play with him, and pick him up and be a little rough with him(not so much as to hurt him), and do things like throw him over my shoulder and all that.
i like my family's kids, i don't normally really like kids but i dunno, i find my family's kids cute.
ok so for the second thing. at work there are a few people i get along with. one of which was gone for a while, but he came back around a month ago or more, and i have fun with the kid. goof around joke around, talk about stupid stuff. but i dunno the other night i was feeling like shit, and pretty much talked to him for a bit and things got better. i think the best part was that he told me he thought i was a shitload funnier than most of his friends from school and such, and i really don't consider myself funny at all. but that just made me feel pretty good because i don't think he was just saying it to make me feel better.
so last friday my brother's wife gave birth to their new son. i didn't go to the hospital to see them at all, because i don't like hospitals a lot lately, and i didn't visit my other brother's wife when she gave birth so it would have felt a little weird. but anyways, on monday they came into my work. one of my managers told me they were out there. so i walk out and my other nephew tells me to close my eyes. so i poked him, this goes on several more times, until he gives up trying to surprise me and opens up the baby stroller so i can see his new brother.
mind you i don't find new borns very cute, but i dunno i think being that he's family he sort of was to me. but more so i thought to myself, i can't wait till this little guy is older, i hope he likes me as much as his older brother seems to. i dunno, i guess i look forward to the days where i can play with him, and pick him up and be a little rough with him(not so much as to hurt him), and do things like throw him over my shoulder and all that.
i like my family's kids, i don't normally really like kids but i dunno, i find my family's kids cute.
ok so for the second thing. at work there are a few people i get along with. one of which was gone for a while, but he came back around a month ago or more, and i have fun with the kid. goof around joke around, talk about stupid stuff. but i dunno the other night i was feeling like shit, and pretty much talked to him for a bit and things got better. i think the best part was that he told me he thought i was a shitload funnier than most of his friends from school and such, and i really don't consider myself funny at all. but that just made me feel pretty good because i don't think he was just saying it to make me feel better.
i want to write a new blog but none of my blogs are ever new. i can't hold onto a happy thought for long enough for any of them to be new.
i want a real friend. i dunno. i know i have people who care about me on here, and all that, but i want someone completely different than i've ever had in my life. i want someone i can actually trust. i hear so many people tell me they care and something inside of me says i can't trust them. i don't know. i just want someone that can make me laugh, and not make me wonder if they actually like me. i mean i have a person that can make me laugh no matter how upset i am but, i just don't think he actually likes me as a person.
i've never been one to be good at managing multiple friends, i didn't grow up having friends really. a few here and there, always the type that when they needed someone to pick on they looked to me, but i just never had friends that lasted.
5 things i really want right now.
1.A Coolah.
2. cuddlng
3. a girlfriend
4. to give some oral
5. another Coolah.
just so people know, i am in a push people away kick, i've already started to do so on at least 3 people from here. so yeah, sorry about that.
i want a real friend. i dunno. i know i have people who care about me on here, and all that, but i want someone completely different than i've ever had in my life. i want someone i can actually trust. i hear so many people tell me they care and something inside of me says i can't trust them. i don't know. i just want someone that can make me laugh, and not make me wonder if they actually like me. i mean i have a person that can make me laugh no matter how upset i am but, i just don't think he actually likes me as a person.
i've never been one to be good at managing multiple friends, i didn't grow up having friends really. a few here and there, always the type that when they needed someone to pick on they looked to me, but i just never had friends that lasted.
5 things i really want right now.
1.A Coolah.
2. cuddlng
3. a girlfriend
4. to give some oral
5. another Coolah.
just so people know, i am in a push people away kick, i've already started to do so on at least 3 people from here. so yeah, sorry about that.
I bask in my depression. it's what i am. it's who i am. i fall for girls i find attractive, single and without child, i ruin friendships because of my crushes, i think of myself more than others, i can't see the good in my life i only see the bad.
i've been given so much advice in my life it's ridiculous. i know what i need to do, i just can't do it. i've accepted that i'm going to spend my life alone and completely and utterly miserable, even though others want to convince me otherwise. i bring the closest people to me down through my depression. i have a hard time being happy for others when i should be. the good things in life just give me more of a reason to be unhappy.
i used to be able to drink and be incredibly happy and all that good junk, now when i drink it just makes me realize why i feel so bad so much more.
there are people in this world that'd love for me to be happy, but i'm not one of them. i was born to a father who was always angry, and to a mother who is depressed and tends to get stressed out. the person in my family who i relate to most is my aunt who suffers from almost extreme depression and anxiety.
i feel so bad when my aunt comes to me telling me she's feeling depressed and i have no idea what to say or do. it always happens online. other people i could figure out what to do but family i just feel so weird. maybe it's the fact that the other people if what i say backfires and i lose them it doesn't matter, because i don't expect them to last, but with family they've always been in my life and i don't want to mess things up.
i hate meeting new people in real life. i just can't do it. i can't initiate, and often unless the person is really outgoing i tend to not get to know anyone. it's been a long time since i've really been okay with any of the new people at work. i haven't found a new person that's started at work who i can talk to really. don't get me wrong there's people i enjoy talking to and such, just it's weird to me that i know the last person that's started working there who i actually talk to.
i feel extremely desperate for a girlfriend now. i'm just really scared of who i'm becoming. i hate my urges. i hate that i can't control my emotions. i hate how much i just want to just eat a girl out. i wish i was one of those people who was ok with not having others in my life. i'll never be. i wish i was one of those people who was ok with who i was. i won't be. i see myself as obnoxious and annoying, not because others have said this but i realize the stuff i say. i realize how i act is totally different than how i think, and neither is good. i need to stop worrying about myself so much and find interestes besides movies and television.
also i want to say thanks to three people, basically one of them i don't think i've ever replied to his comments even though i've appreciated them a great deal, one i know i've replied to and i think he knows i appreciate him and if not he should, and the third, the only person that tried to contact me when i went anon for the last week , even though many people have ways to contact me outside of this site. so in order sixboxes, zarth, and dainty i just want to say thank you.
also i just want to say i'm in this mood right now... it's the mood where i just really want to delete my friends for various reasons. some just because i don't think i deserve friends, some because i feel like i wouldn't hear from if i didn't contact them first, some because i know i've fucked things up because i had a crush on them and let them know, some because i can't be happy for them and it seems all i can do is drag them down, and so on and so forth.
also note that september 20th marked a year since i've tried to even talk to the girl at all, and i really wanted to send her a message about how i still cared about her even though i know she didn't ever want to hear from me again, but i didn't because i had to go stay at my brothers house to watch my nephew because his wife(a girl i had a crush on many years ago) was giving birth to their son. everyone wants me to go to the hospital to visit but i don't really want to as i'm starting to really hate hospitals and all that.
i've been given so much advice in my life it's ridiculous. i know what i need to do, i just can't do it. i've accepted that i'm going to spend my life alone and completely and utterly miserable, even though others want to convince me otherwise. i bring the closest people to me down through my depression. i have a hard time being happy for others when i should be. the good things in life just give me more of a reason to be unhappy.
i used to be able to drink and be incredibly happy and all that good junk, now when i drink it just makes me realize why i feel so bad so much more.
there are people in this world that'd love for me to be happy, but i'm not one of them. i was born to a father who was always angry, and to a mother who is depressed and tends to get stressed out. the person in my family who i relate to most is my aunt who suffers from almost extreme depression and anxiety.
i feel so bad when my aunt comes to me telling me she's feeling depressed and i have no idea what to say or do. it always happens online. other people i could figure out what to do but family i just feel so weird. maybe it's the fact that the other people if what i say backfires and i lose them it doesn't matter, because i don't expect them to last, but with family they've always been in my life and i don't want to mess things up.
i hate meeting new people in real life. i just can't do it. i can't initiate, and often unless the person is really outgoing i tend to not get to know anyone. it's been a long time since i've really been okay with any of the new people at work. i haven't found a new person that's started at work who i can talk to really. don't get me wrong there's people i enjoy talking to and such, just it's weird to me that i know the last person that's started working there who i actually talk to.
i feel extremely desperate for a girlfriend now. i'm just really scared of who i'm becoming. i hate my urges. i hate that i can't control my emotions. i hate how much i just want to just eat a girl out. i wish i was one of those people who was ok with not having others in my life. i'll never be. i wish i was one of those people who was ok with who i was. i won't be. i see myself as obnoxious and annoying, not because others have said this but i realize the stuff i say. i realize how i act is totally different than how i think, and neither is good. i need to stop worrying about myself so much and find interestes besides movies and television.
also i want to say thanks to three people, basically one of them i don't think i've ever replied to his comments even though i've appreciated them a great deal, one i know i've replied to and i think he knows i appreciate him and if not he should, and the third, the only person that tried to contact me when i went anon for the last week , even though many people have ways to contact me outside of this site. so in order sixboxes, zarth, and dainty i just want to say thank you.
also i just want to say i'm in this mood right now... it's the mood where i just really want to delete my friends for various reasons. some just because i don't think i deserve friends, some because i feel like i wouldn't hear from if i didn't contact them first, some because i know i've fucked things up because i had a crush on them and let them know, some because i can't be happy for them and it seems all i can do is drag them down, and so on and so forth.
also note that september 20th marked a year since i've tried to even talk to the girl at all, and i really wanted to send her a message about how i still cared about her even though i know she didn't ever want to hear from me again, but i didn't because i had to go stay at my brothers house to watch my nephew because his wife(a girl i had a crush on many years ago) was giving birth to their son. everyone wants me to go to the hospital to visit but i don't really want to as i'm starting to really hate hospitals and all that.
