Car broke down. Angry at customers. Anger Sharks are circling. But Charlie is back in town so maybe I can catch up with her. YAY!!!!

Slowly settling in back home. Need to start catching up with my old home town friends but I'm trying to keep in touch with my school friends. Each day I'm throwing something out or moving something around getting closer and closer to having an organized room. I got a nice new big bed. But the frame is ancient. It was bought by my grand father and my mother kept it. It was the bed she was likely conceived in as well as the bed I and my 2 brothers were. Thankfully its all new mattresses and new beddings. But it's a nice upgrade from the tiny bunk bed I've had to sleep in for the past 12 or so years. Still a little short but at least now there is more then a few inches between me and the bed above me. Not sure where my little brother will sleep if he comes home to live here and I'm still living here. But I got my PC hooked up and my book shelves set up and nearly full already. I honestly didn't realize how many books I owned, and only a few are text books. It's really not many but I want more.

Working on my car today my allergies finally hit me. I was sitting in it waiting for some glue to dry and I just had a sneeze attack and it wouldn't stop itching till I got some meds. I'm no gear head but I do like cars and it was fun working on mine. It's a 1990 VW Cabriolet. White convertible top and yellow body with black trim and Hawaiian print seat covers. Yes they are flowers but its hawaiian. Totally gay car but its also kinda cool if your into euro cars or VW's and its fun to drive and easy on gas and the environment. After I get this cooling problem for my car taken care of I hope to make a trip up to school for the weekend or something to see some friends or something. Probably end up hanging out with Kristen. But thats cool. She an I only ever seem to hang out at parties or go to the gym together. Sure were cuddle buddies but there's not much talking, mostly back rubs and sleep. We only ever seem to do something when Chris or someone is around.

Ok people keep it real. peace out.

Been a little busy lately with finals and the last of my papers but now that it's all done and I've moved out of my dorm... I'VE graduated!!! Thats right I got my BA in BS or rather Bachelors of Political Science. Finally my opinions are valid and people have to listen to me. Not really but you get the point. So I'm back home for a while as I try to figure out what I do with my life next. Anyone want to employ a slightly wet behind the ears Poli. Sci. Major with a lot of experience waiting tables? Or maybe a spare bed so I don't have to live at home with my parents forever?

The other night I spoke a lot of truths and got a lot of things off my chest. But man I come off as a whiny bitch. It's really not all that bad. So what if I haven't had sex. Sure sounds like the thing a hopeless person says in denial. But I've never been to France or went sky diving and I know plenty of people who have and I don't feel like I'm alone or left out. As I think most know it's not really the sex that ever makes someone upset. It's being alone. Thats why cuddle buddies are the best people in the world. Because if only for a moment we feel like we're not alone in the world.

I'm graduating soon. May 11 is my commencement. I both fear and anticipate the day. I don't want to leave school. Here I am safe and happy. I got friends who live just down the hall, I can drink and party whenever I like, I go out and learn something new everyday and I just plain don't have to deal with the real world. But I also look forward to it. I may be one of the few people who like to work. Towards the end of every semester I start to think about work and actually want to go back to waiting tables. But that won't last long. I hope to send out an new resume every week till I get something I like or at the very least tolerate. I want to be finished and have all the work I have done here to pay off. I want to be the first of my brothers to get a college degree and will likely have the highest degree of any of us. My little brother will have his associates and my older brother is a drop out. I hope he gets back to school one day.

As for my future? I want to enjoy the summer. Work my butt off and maybe earn enough money to go do something fun or crazy like goto Europe or go sky diving or drive cross country. Then maybe work on a career or start looking at graduate school. Or even join the military. Then sock some money away in the bank, get my first new car, get my own apartment, meet new people.

Hooray for being a wimp!
Blogs are a great place to vent. Those who read them really don't care much and it allows a person to say what they want and get it off their chest. However I take a small risk in writing here as some friends may read it including one whom this may concern but I'm a little (more then a little) drunk and feel like I want to speak my mind but there's no one to vent to except the glowing screen in front of me.

For anyone that may not already know I'm a 22 year old virgin. Yes I'm over 50% of the way to being the 40 year old virgin. But I would like to think I wouldn't be nearly as bad as him even if I'm already a geek. I do and I don't know what my problem is. I know that I need to be around more women in social situations that are conducive to sex, phone numbers and dates but I still don't know what my problem is. I act myself almost wherever I go. When I talk to people I have just met I act myself guy or girl. I try to be confident even though I'm a bit shy. But the advice I receive and read over and over is 'be confident' 'be yourself' 'be original' 'act natural.' Maybe I'm lying to myself but isn't that what I've been doing? And where has that gotten me? Some good friendships with women. Which is great, don't get me wrong. But when I'm attracted to them at the same time I can't help but wonder occasionally 'what is it that is preventing a more intimate relationship with them?' Which only lends to insecurities and lack of confidence in my weight, appearance, personality and intelligence. I tend to subscribe to a friends theory that her sleeping with my room mate was meant to boot his confidence. As if having sex will somehow boost my confidence and lower my inhibitions of just putting myself out there. That getting past those first awkward moments of taking a woman to bed will leave me more at ease in future endeavors with the fairer sex. But I honestly don't think sex is my hang up. I've been thinking more and more that failure is my problem. And it's something that has held me back all my life. I often choose not to try or put forward to much effort for fear of failure. It's obvious if you look at my school career. I've hardly put any effort into school. I've always just sort of coasted by on what I have. Which has lead to a B average for most of school. I don't study or over exert myself because if I do and fail anyway I will feel as though I will fail regardless of my efforts. While if I don't study and don't try and fail I can just say "well I did ok considering that I didn't even try." So romantically my problem is that maybe I'm not trying. I'm not talking to enough women. I'm not complimenting them enough and asking them to dance or buying them drinks because I would see that as effort and then when I fail I would feel like a failure despite my best efforts. But if I don't hit on women or ask for phone numbers and I go to bed alone every night I can just say "well it's no big deal I didn't even try but I still had fun."

And of coarse jealousy sets in. I see guys taking girls home, guys who have women almost literally fall into their laps and for that matter my own room mate, who is stuck in this off and on relationship/friends with benefits thing, going to bed with this girl for little or no other reason then they don't want to sleep alone. I give myself excuses like those guys are just dogs or those guys are just scumbags or those girls are sluts. But I still ask "why can't I have that?" Have I done something wrong? Is it karmic retribution? Am I not funny enough? Am I to fat? Am I not smart enough (unofficial IQ scores between 110-125 so about average)? Do I just need to compliment women more? I've always assumed that my generally kind and giving disposition was enough to show that I'm a nice guy but maybe I do have to make it more well known that I think a girl has pretty eyes even though it's obvious since I'm looking right into them.

*Sigh* ok enough being depressing and making myself upset being being introspective while being on such a wonderful depressant as beer. I'm going to drink some more water and go to bed.

It's been over a month since I posted and I'm bored so I thought I would post something. Trouble is a lot of my posts on any blog or board starts like this because I can't think of anything till after I start typing. In this case as I was writing that first sentence I thought about the shooting at Virgina Tech.

But what is there to say? This kid was obviously disturbed and needed help and no one followed through and those closest to him be they family or room mate didn't pay attention and didn't reach out to him. We've discussed it a little in one of my classes. It was a politics class so we mostly focused on gun control and the school's policy and ability to protect the students. When you look at the level of security on our campus it is not unbelievable that it could happen here as well. I always like to think that if someone walked into a room I was in with a gun I would jump them. Stop them. Get the gun from them. Anything. I do always carry my pocket knife. It's a lock blade that opens very fast if you know how. I don't think of it much as a weapon as it is a tool. Not to mention something to play with when I'm bored (don't play with knives kids). And if it came to it I imagine I would put that blade into someone if I had to stop them from killing someone else. Or at the very least use it to knock them out (a piece of metal in your hand greatly increases the effect of a punch. Try putting a roll of quarters in your fist then punch something.) But anyway. Thats something you never know what you would do if you were faced with that. Gun's can be a very scary thing. I know I would never want to be on the wrong end of one. A humans reaction is to duck run or hide. It's fight or flight and it's hard to fight a piece of lead moving in excess of 1000 ft/s. Thats why the people in the armed services are very different from most of us. Their training is made to break down their psyche and put it back together in a way that they are confident and do not fear a gun but rather turn and face it.

Would I want more people to carry guns so that if someone pulled out a gun in public they would be shot before it got out of hand? NO! I give people a lot of trust. But rarely with my life. If your carrying a gun your either trying to protect yourself or intend to use it illegally. I would prefer the people who intend on breaking the law not be allowed to have one and if that means less guns for us law abiding citizens so be it. It sounds like something in a movie but what if some nut pulled out a gun someone shot him/her then someone runs over and shoots them because they don't know what was going on? Now innocent people that some might call a hero is dead. Possession of illegal firearms is a crime fighting tool as well. Maybe all you were doing was speeding. But the cop sees a gun in your back seat finds out it's illegal and now he can arrest that person. There's a good chance that that just prevented a crime or found someone who is still on the loose for previous crimes. And finally in cases like this you could have given everyone one a gun and the kid still would have done it. He would probably just get bigger guns. Walk into a room with a shotgun and just start peppering the room. Sure maybe some student would have taken him down but it didn't stop him from doing it.

I say you want to carry a gun. Your going to have to carry it on your hip for all to see. Or it has to be a rifle. Strap that across your back. At least then I know your a potentially dangerous person. Or we do it like England and if you want to own a gun keep it at a shooting or hunting club. If its just a hobby then keep it someplace safe where no kids can get it or where it can be stole by some criminal who breaks into your house to get some drugs and cash and sees your gun there. In my opinion if I came home to someone stealing my TV I think I would rather them take it then have to carry the grief of taking a life over something material.

Happy belated St. Pattys day. To sum up I woke up and there was about 6 inches of snow on the ground. Accept it was basically frozen rain not snow. Heavy and hard to break up. So I spent my day chopping shoveling and snow blowing ice. Got the 'rents car out and mine.

Then zoned out for a while and made beer with my brother Alex after dinner. We were making a Belgian Sassion. Lots of aromatic hops and orange peel. Should be rather sweet to. We were going out to get ice to rapidly chill the beer (maybe I'll give a more detailed description some other time). Oddly enough our neighbors daughter, Molly, stuck her head out the door and told us to come to a bar at midnight to see her band, Morisan Brothers or Mo bro. So we got the ice and my brother managed not to kill my car. We finished the beer, I showered and hit the road. We actually skrewed up the beer by forgeting some of the malt. Luckily our mother was there to add it.

So we walked to New Hope across the river and went to John & Peters and saw her band. So really good funk. Mostly covers but I was surprise at how well Molly could sing some of the songs they covered. Me and Alex finally got some St. Pattys day drinking done. A Car bomb each and 3 pitchers of beer later we were walking home. I pissed off the bridge into the Delaware for the first time. If you haven't peed off a bridge before I suggest you try it. Then we went back to Molly's and had a few drinks with some of her friends. Possibly the best day of my whole spring break.

A short follow up to my last update. Shortly after posting that I found out she was rejected. She is "on file". I guess that means they may reconsider her another time. Oh well we had fun talking about potential photo set idea's. I still think she should join the SG community. I think she would like it and maybe if they got to know her better she could re-apply and be accepted.

So the other day I was talking to my friend and for some reason the subject of modeling and jobs that require little or no clothes came up. She mentioned how she has nothing wrong with jobs like stripping or modeling but people act like she's better then that. Well my response was if that were true that would mean models and strippers and such were lesser people like their idiots that only know how to use their body. And thats when I realized it. She should be an SG! She likes wearing kinky stuff and dressing up. She's done some modeling and been nude before. So I told her she should be an SG. Where the photo's are tasteful and fun. Theres almost nothing but praise for what the girls do and she can get all sorts of cool benefits. And after a little bit of encouragement and her checking out the site she may do it! She's already applied and I'm pretty confident that she will be accepted *knock on wood*. She really cool and really sexy. I really hope she is accepted.

Other then that I'm at home. My PC is getting Gentoo linux on it. Its been hailing all day so I'm not looking forward to cleaning that up. It was really freaky too. The last week has been warm and sunny. Then the tempreture started to drop and before we knew it the moisture from all the warm weather was coming right back down. To bad for the Krocus's (sp?).

These are last years because I didn't get a chance to take pictures of this years. They had just started to come up when the temperature started to drop. And I love them because yeah their little purple flowers but it also means the ground is warming up and spring is coming. They come in little groups usually. About a dozen spring up in our front yard and more in the "south garden".

I really don't want to go to bed right now. But I should. I should go to bed so I can get up for my internship tomorrow (or today. Whatever). And in turn I get extra brownie points so I get a good letter of recommendation. Not to mention the more hours I get done now the sooner I get my Mondays and Wednesday afternoons back.

I guess I'm mostly posting this just to delay going to bed.

Great and now I get a headache.

I think I should at least say the peak of my night was a drinking game that had me wearing a girls tanktop and an other mans pants that were way to small. So I ended up in my undies and the tanktop. If I find photo's I'll post them.