IPOD
RADIO
So I am going to try and explain how I am feeling lately.
So its cooling down here in Arizona as we get ready for fall and winter (which are basically the same since we really only have two seasons) but for some reason with all the cooling down, I am picking up these vibes from my past, its sort of like a combination of emotions and a deja vu type feeling. It's sort of like the past has found a way back to the present. It seems to be triggered by like various things like scents, tempature, music and location and then just out of the blue I will remember things.
So for examples, my mom's had the week off (I still dont have a new car) so we have been out and about and I will be listening to like Armor For Sleep's "What To Do When Your Dead" and whenever I play it I think about when I was driving myself to like MCC and like never going to class, and being awake at the same time everyone else was going to work and all these memories flood back.
Halloween is on the horizon and I remember how I wanted to do something wonderful for my girlfriend at the time so I went and picked her up and all the music we listened to on the way to Flaggstaff and back and how it was really cold and beautiful and we held hands and it was this great experience and memory.
It's just been like a huge mindfuck and I feel like its only going to get worse as we head into Christmas, cause back in Highschool an old friend and I (who had a falling out) used to throw these massive Christmas parties and our bands would all play at them and him and I would always try to out do each other in gift buying. Man I would go broke just to see everyone get what they really wanted.
I dont really have that much any more and I dont know if I live in the past or what youd call it its just I guess I miss all those little things that seem to come back every year around the time. It's just amazing how life works
I still think it would be cute if I could be a SG model some day, *shakes her fist at Isis* you had to beat me to being on Top Model
Hope everyone has a wonderful day
So its cooling down here in Arizona as we get ready for fall and winter (which are basically the same since we really only have two seasons) but for some reason with all the cooling down, I am picking up these vibes from my past, its sort of like a combination of emotions and a deja vu type feeling. It's sort of like the past has found a way back to the present. It seems to be triggered by like various things like scents, tempature, music and location and then just out of the blue I will remember things.
So for examples, my mom's had the week off (I still dont have a new car) so we have been out and about and I will be listening to like Armor For Sleep's "What To Do When Your Dead" and whenever I play it I think about when I was driving myself to like MCC and like never going to class, and being awake at the same time everyone else was going to work and all these memories flood back.
Halloween is on the horizon and I remember how I wanted to do something wonderful for my girlfriend at the time so I went and picked her up and all the music we listened to on the way to Flaggstaff and back and how it was really cold and beautiful and we held hands and it was this great experience and memory.
It's just been like a huge mindfuck and I feel like its only going to get worse as we head into Christmas, cause back in Highschool an old friend and I (who had a falling out) used to throw these massive Christmas parties and our bands would all play at them and him and I would always try to out do each other in gift buying. Man I would go broke just to see everyone get what they really wanted.
I dont really have that much any more and I dont know if I live in the past or what youd call it its just I guess I miss all those little things that seem to come back every year around the time. It's just amazing how life works
I still think it would be cute if I could be a SG model some day, *shakes her fist at Isis* you had to beat me to being on Top Model
Hope everyone has a wonderful day
So this week has been sort of crazy...
So for some random happenstance (my new favorite word) I was schedualed Thursday off of work. Which is weird cause I never have a Thursday off, come to find out that first Thursday of the month there is a Trans support meeting that my friend Bre goes too. So I took that as some sort of sign from the heavens that I have to get up off my ass and attend this meeting. So I made plans with Bre and Sheena about going shopping and then going to this group with them.
Shopping was an experience, considering my style is quite interesting. I was still painfully shy when we got to like Hot Topic and I actually found a pair of heels that I wanted. So Bre asked them if they had my size and I got less shy about trying them on and stuff (come to find out later when I was watching her video of the night she actually told the guy at Hot Topic, that they were for her and pointed to me, which embarassed me a bit) I got the heels (which have like cute Day Of The Dead skeletons on em) some earrings I think it was 6 pairs for 8 dollers (work wants me to take out the safety pin in them) and the new Jack's Mannequin CD. Since I wear girl jeans akk the time any way (not cause i am like scene or anything but cause I am built like a girl) it was no probably for me to run in and grab a pair of skinny jeans to sort of compliment the heels.
Group was okay, I mean I was shy and stuff but I got a lot of compliments on the heels, and then when we went out afterwards. I got called a rockstar cause all them got food and water and I got Coronas, lol but that is just how I roll
Then the next night Bre dragged me to a goth club out here called Translyvania or something like that, and I pretty much was in boy mode and like watched her purse and heels while she danced, but I did sort of like modern day gunslinger type of look that was really cute
Marc just got back from Disneyland, which I am jealous of a bit. I hope he comes into work tonight so it wont go so slow.
So for some random happenstance (my new favorite word) I was schedualed Thursday off of work. Which is weird cause I never have a Thursday off, come to find out that first Thursday of the month there is a Trans support meeting that my friend Bre goes too. So I took that as some sort of sign from the heavens that I have to get up off my ass and attend this meeting. So I made plans with Bre and Sheena about going shopping and then going to this group with them.
Shopping was an experience, considering my style is quite interesting. I was still painfully shy when we got to like Hot Topic and I actually found a pair of heels that I wanted. So Bre asked them if they had my size and I got less shy about trying them on and stuff (come to find out later when I was watching her video of the night she actually told the guy at Hot Topic, that they were for her and pointed to me, which embarassed me a bit) I got the heels (which have like cute Day Of The Dead skeletons on em) some earrings I think it was 6 pairs for 8 dollers (work wants me to take out the safety pin in them) and the new Jack's Mannequin CD. Since I wear girl jeans akk the time any way (not cause i am like scene or anything but cause I am built like a girl) it was no probably for me to run in and grab a pair of skinny jeans to sort of compliment the heels.
Group was okay, I mean I was shy and stuff but I got a lot of compliments on the heels, and then when we went out afterwards. I got called a rockstar cause all them got food and water and I got Coronas, lol but that is just how I roll
Then the next night Bre dragged me to a goth club out here called Translyvania or something like that, and I pretty much was in boy mode and like watched her purse and heels while she danced, but I did sort of like modern day gunslinger type of look that was really cute
Marc just got back from Disneyland, which I am jealous of a bit. I hope he comes into work tonight so it wont go so slow.
Its been a crazy start of a week.
My mom's off all week, so yesterday on my day off I got to go up to Berean and ended up getting a really cute hoodie and a Tooth and Nail records complation thing with some really amazing bands on it. I decided that I really want to make out to the song "Chick Magnet" by MXPX.
Maybe I will take some pictures of the hoodie.
All the new movies came out today, so we ran and picked up Iron Man, and Forgetting Sarah Marshel, and I picked up the new Ben Folds album "Way To Normal" which I am not sure what I think about it yet. It's a bit different than the other albums. He is also coming here in November so I am hoping that I can go.
Thursday I am meeting up with my friend Bre to go shopping and then going to a support group type thing that her therapist hosts. I am really excited and cant wait to go some where thats more accepting of things.
Also I dont know what I feel about Tim Burton doing Alice In Wonderland, or Dark Shadows,
My mom's off all week, so yesterday on my day off I got to go up to Berean and ended up getting a really cute hoodie and a Tooth and Nail records complation thing with some really amazing bands on it. I decided that I really want to make out to the song "Chick Magnet" by MXPX.
Maybe I will take some pictures of the hoodie.
All the new movies came out today, so we ran and picked up Iron Man, and Forgetting Sarah Marshel, and I picked up the new Ben Folds album "Way To Normal" which I am not sure what I think about it yet. It's a bit different than the other albums. He is also coming here in November so I am hoping that I can go.
Thursday I am meeting up with my friend Bre to go shopping and then going to a support group type thing that her therapist hosts. I am really excited and cant wait to go some where thats more accepting of things.
Also I dont know what I feel about Tim Burton doing Alice In Wonderland, or Dark Shadows,
This song makes a lot of sense to me lately
I think I would pass these words of encouragement to anyone
I think I would pass these words of encouragement to anyone
So much I want to talk about, but never quite sure how to put the words together. I just read a blog that reminded me that it's time to really think about what I need to do to prepare for my future. So what is it? writing? photogrophy?, I used to get told that I had a lot of potential in both fields before I started to just stopped attending classes. Do I really need class to be a writer, probably not I continue to write pieces relentlessly every night, its almost harder not to write than it is to write. I mean I could always go take literature classes and creative writing classes, but I dont think I could stick with all the grammer lessons, since usually I just seek out word play, turn of phrases, and characterization. I always thought if your characters where compelling and complex they would write your story for you.
So what brought this on. I was going through a draw with notebooks full of scattered prose, lyrics and concepts and I am just trying to organize them into something that maybe could produce some kind of cash flow.I always get to self concious when it comes to things, I write.
Wow this turned into a huge rant.
Here is a random piece I found on a disc some where.
.......................................................................................
Her hands start to cramp and she starts to panic. She tries hard to get her message across but it won't come out. Falling back on the floor she closes her laptop, not believing what she has just witnessed. She takes in another breathe and paces the room. What was wrong with her? Was she going to be stuck like this forever?
A spark of fire, to re kindle the use of her hands, as her arms scrape a wrench, she becomes to loose and needs repair. Unknown of the events that have taken place, a phone is answered with of course I will come look out for you. I will be right there. Lights parked outside slant in a new direction and the world turns to me and says you're screwed. It can only be one of two things and the first one doesn't usually bring on this sort of reaction to the glow of the screens. In a haze stairs are climbed and confessions are made. The whole time she's thinking she is crazy and that her friend now thinks so too. She pushes herself through the web to find out what's on the other side.
Before she knows it's the next day and things come back to her, she stills feel a bit off, and bit turned on. Searching for answers she returns to the scene of the crime, and bares witness and testifies on behalf of the actions the courts have passed on her. She offers a plea and a new solution. They tell her she is free to go but something is wrong. Every little thing she encounters is affecting her as she tries to understand who she is and what she has done. The glow still remains and she is changing. It's time to call in her secret weapon. She sends a letter back home to mother; your child needs you fast. She is fading out to sea, where the eagles have spread their wings and taking flight.
Words chime in, as she is called the one thing she has since come to hate. Her hands model the ones of the night before as she tries to help find a cure to put out the flames that surround her, She wants out of this hell and if she has to side with the devil she was going to return to the way she has always been. She starts to see the light up ahead. Her guardian angels have pulled together, and bring her back. She knows deep down that these two will always mean the world to her. There is a bound there that she would never dare to break away from
She sits down and thinks to herself time to become who she has always been and rises from the ash
So what brought this on. I was going through a draw with notebooks full of scattered prose, lyrics and concepts and I am just trying to organize them into something that maybe could produce some kind of cash flow.I always get to self concious when it comes to things, I write.
Wow this turned into a huge rant.
Here is a random piece I found on a disc some where.
.......................................................................................
Her hands start to cramp and she starts to panic. She tries hard to get her message across but it won't come out. Falling back on the floor she closes her laptop, not believing what she has just witnessed. She takes in another breathe and paces the room. What was wrong with her? Was she going to be stuck like this forever?
A spark of fire, to re kindle the use of her hands, as her arms scrape a wrench, she becomes to loose and needs repair. Unknown of the events that have taken place, a phone is answered with of course I will come look out for you. I will be right there. Lights parked outside slant in a new direction and the world turns to me and says you're screwed. It can only be one of two things and the first one doesn't usually bring on this sort of reaction to the glow of the screens. In a haze stairs are climbed and confessions are made. The whole time she's thinking she is crazy and that her friend now thinks so too. She pushes herself through the web to find out what's on the other side.
Before she knows it's the next day and things come back to her, she stills feel a bit off, and bit turned on. Searching for answers she returns to the scene of the crime, and bares witness and testifies on behalf of the actions the courts have passed on her. She offers a plea and a new solution. They tell her she is free to go but something is wrong. Every little thing she encounters is affecting her as she tries to understand who she is and what she has done. The glow still remains and she is changing. It's time to call in her secret weapon. She sends a letter back home to mother; your child needs you fast. She is fading out to sea, where the eagles have spread their wings and taking flight.
Words chime in, as she is called the one thing she has since come to hate. Her hands model the ones of the night before as she tries to help find a cure to put out the flames that surround her, She wants out of this hell and if she has to side with the devil she was going to return to the way she has always been. She starts to see the light up ahead. Her guardian angels have pulled together, and bring her back. She knows deep down that these two will always mean the world to her. There is a bound there that she would never dare to break away from
She sits down and thinks to herself time to become who she has always been and rises from the ash
So I decided that I should stop drinking and going on itunes, I woke up today owing the bank 300 dollers in overdaft fees & a copy of Metallica's "Death Magnetic" on my computer. I am not sure I am if i will ever listen too,it, really "Unfogiven III" ? didnt we say all we needed to say with the first two, they are classic songs. I think I spend more money on itunes that should be physically allowed. I want it to take a breathalizer test for me to be able to login in, warning you may have boughten an album you really dont want to own, do you wish to continue.
Ever have so much you wanted to say, but for some reason couldnt find the right words? this is one of those days lol. So much on my mind right now, but at the same time it's all stuff thats been going on, just new names and I am not any more wise than the last time. I just sort of want some one to go, hey I think I totally get you! it would make me smile for a little bit.
I miss being active around here.
I miss being active around here.
Where to start the updates.
So I am so confused with whats going on with the band. I think its been like a couple of months now since I have talked to Charlie. The last thing I got from him was the music for the song "Goodbye Mannequin" which was really kind of amazing to hear some of the keyboard stuff I did make its way into it. I am really not a good musician by any means and so I get excited when I come up with something usable. So I am like are we still trying for the October 31st release day and he was like thats what we are trying for last Halloween. So then I check every once and a while to see if he has done anything else (most of my parts are done for the album) so now I havent seen him even on aim ever. I dont remember any drunken outbursts either, so now I am like what is going on with things. I am not hearing much response, but I dont want to come out bothersome, but it looks like we are not going to finish the album. I mean if the bands ending I would like to think wed at lest finish the album and then break up. I am worried I am not going to be able to find a new collaborator who was as good as he was. So like dose that mean most of my concept albums are never going to see the light of day
Which with his absense it's like I dont know if the two songs we were doing for The Kinks Tribute, are going to be done for that release or not. I have gotten in most of the contributions. I mean I can finish it without them but I would like to have Kim's version of "Well Respected Man" and our ska'd up version of "Till The End Of The Day"
I have two albums in mind right now to follow up Serial Numbers with, plus I want to get into setting up a They Might Be Giants tribute.
But this all takes a backseat to the Gender Idenitity issues I am sort of deciding to take on. I am sure every one has noticed I am not super manly by any means. I think there is a pretty good reason, I have always had more in common with well the female species. To some of you this isnt really new, but I figured I might as well just come out and say that I am thinking about starting to transition. Deffiently something thats not going to happen soon but something I need to start planning and thinking about. I mean I still live at home and not "out" to my parents or anything (which is a really big fear) so it's something I have to handle the right way. I should go see a therapist that deals with these issues (not the right word but it gets the point across) and then work it out with them on what my options are (please let one of them being an SG Hopeful) but the thing is I dont have a car (which is still a huge problem I cant seem to over come). I have been really worried about who is going to stick around, which I get a lot of response saying I should care what they think just be happy being you. I am also worried how these gender issues are going to play in me getting into a relationship. seeing how I am still into girls, but most girls like boys and not boys who want to be girls (for some reason I just thought of a Blur song) so thats whats going on there, I am sort of in an experimenting phase trying to see where I want to take this down the road.
I still have a crush on a girl who lives in another state, which is like the lamest thing ever since probably nothign will ever come of it. I dont like making the first move which is probably why I have been single for close to 3 years now lol.
I am really big right now into a band called Ayreon, they have this really amazing gift for wrting well thought out concept albums, I recomend everyone check out the album "The Human Equation" which is about a guy who ends up falling into a coma, and while he is in there he encounters all these parts of himself and through out the album they are trying to help him get out of the coma, while this is going on you hear his best friend and wife talking about this affair they had and they feel responsible for whats going on with him. It's a really well put together album, with a sci fi twist at the very end. Deffiently my favorite album at the moment. I am not sure what I think of Iced Earth's "Crucible Of Man" but I am glad Matt Barlow is back in the mix. It was wierd to see something him and Schaffier started be handed to Tim "The Ripper" Owens. Another project I am excited to see some thing happen with is Revolution Renaissance which has Timo from Stratovarious and it looks like guest vocals from Tobias of Avantasia.
lol what can I say I take my progressive metal too seriously some times
But yea I am basically just working a lot and trying to figure out my transgender issues.
So I am so confused with whats going on with the band. I think its been like a couple of months now since I have talked to Charlie. The last thing I got from him was the music for the song "Goodbye Mannequin" which was really kind of amazing to hear some of the keyboard stuff I did make its way into it. I am really not a good musician by any means and so I get excited when I come up with something usable. So I am like are we still trying for the October 31st release day and he was like thats what we are trying for last Halloween. So then I check every once and a while to see if he has done anything else (most of my parts are done for the album) so now I havent seen him even on aim ever. I dont remember any drunken outbursts either, so now I am like what is going on with things. I am not hearing much response, but I dont want to come out bothersome, but it looks like we are not going to finish the album. I mean if the bands ending I would like to think wed at lest finish the album and then break up. I am worried I am not going to be able to find a new collaborator who was as good as he was. So like dose that mean most of my concept albums are never going to see the light of day
Which with his absense it's like I dont know if the two songs we were doing for The Kinks Tribute, are going to be done for that release or not. I have gotten in most of the contributions. I mean I can finish it without them but I would like to have Kim's version of "Well Respected Man" and our ska'd up version of "Till The End Of The Day"
I have two albums in mind right now to follow up Serial Numbers with, plus I want to get into setting up a They Might Be Giants tribute.
But this all takes a backseat to the Gender Idenitity issues I am sort of deciding to take on. I am sure every one has noticed I am not super manly by any means. I think there is a pretty good reason, I have always had more in common with well the female species. To some of you this isnt really new, but I figured I might as well just come out and say that I am thinking about starting to transition. Deffiently something thats not going to happen soon but something I need to start planning and thinking about. I mean I still live at home and not "out" to my parents or anything (which is a really big fear) so it's something I have to handle the right way. I should go see a therapist that deals with these issues (not the right word but it gets the point across) and then work it out with them on what my options are (please let one of them being an SG Hopeful) but the thing is I dont have a car (which is still a huge problem I cant seem to over come). I have been really worried about who is going to stick around, which I get a lot of response saying I should care what they think just be happy being you. I am also worried how these gender issues are going to play in me getting into a relationship. seeing how I am still into girls, but most girls like boys and not boys who want to be girls (for some reason I just thought of a Blur song) so thats whats going on there, I am sort of in an experimenting phase trying to see where I want to take this down the road.
I still have a crush on a girl who lives in another state, which is like the lamest thing ever since probably nothign will ever come of it. I dont like making the first move which is probably why I have been single for close to 3 years now lol.
I am really big right now into a band called Ayreon, they have this really amazing gift for wrting well thought out concept albums, I recomend everyone check out the album "The Human Equation" which is about a guy who ends up falling into a coma, and while he is in there he encounters all these parts of himself and through out the album they are trying to help him get out of the coma, while this is going on you hear his best friend and wife talking about this affair they had and they feel responsible for whats going on with him. It's a really well put together album, with a sci fi twist at the very end. Deffiently my favorite album at the moment. I am not sure what I think of Iced Earth's "Crucible Of Man" but I am glad Matt Barlow is back in the mix. It was wierd to see something him and Schaffier started be handed to Tim "The Ripper" Owens. Another project I am excited to see some thing happen with is Revolution Renaissance which has Timo from Stratovarious and it looks like guest vocals from Tobias of Avantasia.
lol what can I say I take my progressive metal too seriously some times
But yea I am basically just working a lot and trying to figure out my transgender issues.
