i'm updating.. cause it's been a damned long time and i think some people actually looked at this thing.. this is going to be a scattered entry as i will just be saying what comes to mind..

I WAS IN FAMILY GUY!!.. yeah.. sorta.. there was just a character who looked not - unlike me and had the line "Hi, i'm caleb, i like to cut myself. I bleed a lot. Can i have the top bunk?".. a friend of mine was laughing for about five minutes when she saw that...

aaaanyway... i'm almost done with the first term of this schkool year.. as always it went too fuckin fast..

over break i'm hoping to get a job at my town's radio shack (sexy i know).. mostly just cause they're looking for people and i'm looking for a job..

i'm still so fuckin hung up on rachel that it's sick... i'm hoping that this coming 6-week break wlil help to crowbar my brain off of her.. break is probably goin to be lonely.. because at most i'll just be messing around with people i've messed around with before and who i dont' like as more than a friend (cliche alert!!)

on a random (shallow?) note i got a haircut.. rachel and joanne (her roommate) did it.. and i think they actually did a real nice job.. it's layered and shorter all around... i've also started leaving my chin stubble there.. i dont' have enough stubble for anything other than scruffy stubble.. but i don't think it looks bad, and hey, shaving takes effort..

my roommate never ceases playing that killer's cd... i aaalmot regret giving him a copy of it except that i know he loves the damn thing.. i just wish he'd listen to something else every once in a while..

i miss my radio show since our school station stopped transmitting last week to (presumably) save poiwer/money...

i think i've become too cavalier about cutting.. i have that damn contract w/ the school that says i won't do it.. so i could get suspended if i accidentally shove it in their faces..

i cut a lot this weekend.. like all over my upper body.. and i have at least a couple of fresh ones on my legs..

the only time this actuallyy becomes an issue is in the gym.. like when i change or just walking around in shorts..

that being said, i can't imagine some guy at the gym telling someone else about me.. when i got in trouble originally somebody had told the RA.. but someone at the gym wouldn't do that.. or, at least i dont' think they would..

i need to find a girl ...

A friend of mine recently started cutting.. she'd kinda experimented w/ it in the past but hadn't done much..

i didn't exactly cause her to cut but i certainly bring it up a lot and she sees my scratches and i'm sure what i did was a factor in her cutting

i also didn't ever tell her not to.. but i still just don't see it as a necessarily bad thing..

her cutting feels like it should bother me much more than it does.. hell, the only thing that's buggin me about it is that i feel like i should be pissed/concerned or something

yeah, i know, i'm a bad person..

and to top things off, this isn't the first time i nudged someone into cutting..

okay.. new policy.. i'm endin gmy use of teh backspace key .. except for typos of course...

mostly cause i'd probably have twice as many DJ entries if i wasnt' in the habit of starting them and then backspacing the fuck out of them.. dammit, this policy has the major downside of that i can't even rephrase things.. ah well.. i really wanted to go back and say backspace their fucking soul out.. yeah, sounds much cooler..

aaanyway, ralph nader came and spoke at my college tonight which was interesting.. my friend thought he was just going to be "buy my book cause i'm poor now" but it wasn't like that at all.. basically he went over how corporations are really the ones running things and how they need to be stopped and how the two parties are really tweedle dee and tweedle dumb.. just sucking at corporate teets..

particle mechanics is getting damn frustrating because even the problems i understand i still don't get right.. and i'm not even gonna go over the shit i don't get.. yay for haveing a test on thursday...

my parents were up here this weekend which was nice to see them.. i finished the last of my 30 pack of beer on friday (i have too many non-drinker friends) after drinking 28 outof 30 cans although obviously not on the sam night.. like, spread over a few weeks.. it's kinda funny how the last two or three times i've been drunk.. which is the last two or three weekends (although i drank before that).. i've been the only one drinking.. so i end up being the drunk one with my sober friends... not a lot of them i mean.. but just one or two.. but it still seems odd..

not sure how i went from talkin about my parent's visit to beer..

anyway... dry air suuuucks... i woke up this morning and both nostrils started bleeding.. and my knuckles are so dry that they hurt and bleed slightly.. i feel lik ei've been doing a lot of bleeding lately.

if only i could get over my irritation with hand lotion..

okay.. end ramble... 1, 2, 3, NOW!

so i'm a slick bastard...

i kinda felt like cutting when i happened to be in the bathroom between classes.. and i knew not many people used this bathroom much..

so i pulled out my little blade and recut a cut on my elbow area and then another one on my stomach..

so i'm a slick bastard because i forgot i waaas wearing a white tshirt that day.. a rarity for me (despite my picture) since most of my shirts are black (yeah, how original).. so i ended up with bloodstains on my tshirt..

my only excuse is that i'm not at my brightest when i've been cutting.....

late night musings..

i feel like i could just say that phrase and that would sum up all i'm thinking of saying..

will i ever stop feeling the need to be an introspective hooooker?..

i never ended up going to the counseling centere because luck would have it i was feeling surprisingly okay for the past few days..

there're soooooooo many people soooooo much more fucked up than i am.. so why am i so hung up on it.. hell, even now part of me wants to go back and edit that so as not to call myself fucked up at all.. more of a dumbass really...

sooo old, thoughts are soooo old...

i'm getting sick of feeling like crap.. and always for stupid reasons too.. it's always about a girl. or i'll just randomly feel myself slipping down and there's that old feeling of FIX MY HEAD...

cutting kinda helps if only to think i have something i can do if it gets really bad.. because obviously cutting solves nothing.. and you can only do it so much before you run out of space or just don't feel like doin it anymore..

and i just feel fucking lame when i have the urge to do something stupid just to get some attention in the hopes that they might have any idea to FIX IT!!...

dlksajfskdljfask

(one of those moods).

sometimes i really think i need to get the shit kicked outta me.. maybe it'd shut up some of the irrational aggressive thoughts i get..

i mean.. yeah, i've started workin out.. but i'm still skinny as fuck..

FUCK!!

i feel like i'm back in high school.. i keep gettin these feelings of "who the fuck am i?"..

pardon me while i be trivial for a moment..

being about three or four weeks into the school year. things are finally gettin serious w/ classes..

i had my first test in chem today.. which was freakin me out.. but i think i kicked it's ass.. of course.. right now i should be hauling ass on my particle mechanics work that's due tomorrow.. but it's hard to get myself moving on work this early in the afternoon..

besides the teacher collecting it.. the other bit that makes this work urgent is just that we have a test on thursday...

this blows..

being sooooooo damned attached to someone i can't have..

and it's so ridiculous how badly i want her.. and in so many ways too.. obviously i want her wicked bad in a sexual way... but i also just want to be close to her.. physically and emotionally (stfu if this sounds lame)...

FUCK

... and i know if i settle for someone else ... if i can find someone else (and that's a big IF) won't cut it.. nothing would make me as happy as she could..