My first kiss was in College and the last kiss was in college. I've only actually made out with one girl, who I was too drunk to even remember what she looked like. My high school highlights were beating Final Fantasy and being all state in Drama. While kids were out living life I was living mine through American Pie.
I fear kissing, I don't have the experience. Each year that goes by I fear the day where I have to kiss a woman.
Sex is another thing that I've been missing out on. I want it, but I'm so gun shy that I don't think I could do it. I'm not afraid of loosing my virginity, no I'm rather afraid of touching some one, no I'm afraid of them touching me. It terrifies me that some one will some day touch this pile of flesh.
This anxiety led me to drink and drink and drink until I was in a stupor that numbed the bodies yearning. It yearns to touch some one else but my ego refuses to budge. I can't I wont. Pride dictates too much of my life. I hate it. I hate it so much tears come to my eyes.
If I could I'd tear that part in my brain that governs my fear, pride, and ego. It's a disease that needs treatment. It makes me hate myself. I'm killing myself slowly with food and drink. My liver is probably working overtime without holiday pay.
This must be what it feels like to be a monster. Wanting what you cannot, striving for something that you will never allow yourself. I had a dream last night that seemed real. I want to remove that dream from my memory. The woman kissed me. I believed, I actually believed that woman wanted me. Then I woke up. Pain. Pain was all that I could feel this morning.
I should just lock myself in my room. Never let myself out, never see the sun. Block my view from the TV, all it shows are things that I can't have. Maybe I can pray, pray that I don't have those dreams anymore. The dream's of women who are prefect, they are prefect because they want me. They don't want my money, my looks. No, they want me, the person, their author.
I don't even deserve these women, the ones in my dreams. I'm a bastard, an asshole who should never interact with society. Keep me locked up, keep my away from your pets and children. I'm the boogie man, I will give them nightmares. Hideous in its entire splendor.
My emotions are in a turmoil that even the most weather person couldn't handle. I survive everyday in this storm. I need to end it. Leave me to my dark room to pity myself.
I still think about that dream, I think about a lot of my dreams. She wasn't the first one to kiss me in my dreams. No there had been others, she just happens to be the freshest. If I could I'd bang my head on this fucking desk. Let home row engrain into my skull until there is nothing more then a bloody stump that is my neck. Leave me alone god damn it. I know I am a bad person. I don't deserve one second of happiness even if it was in my dream.
Hell is with out hope I say hell is with hope but never the ability to realize it. With out hope I wouldn't be tempted to reach for that apple. Tear it out, tear out this hope that is plaguing me so much. Give me a knife and a flame. I need to sterilize it. I'm already infected and I don't need to further it.
I'm not happy, it's apparent but I don't let it get me down. Each key stroke alleviates my guilt my anger my fear. To eliminate it would require a life time, a life time of missed opportunity. A lifetime filled with dreams. Dream, oh horrible dreams.
I fear kissing, I don't have the experience. Each year that goes by I fear the day where I have to kiss a woman.
Sex is another thing that I've been missing out on. I want it, but I'm so gun shy that I don't think I could do it. I'm not afraid of loosing my virginity, no I'm rather afraid of touching some one, no I'm afraid of them touching me. It terrifies me that some one will some day touch this pile of flesh.
This anxiety led me to drink and drink and drink until I was in a stupor that numbed the bodies yearning. It yearns to touch some one else but my ego refuses to budge. I can't I wont. Pride dictates too much of my life. I hate it. I hate it so much tears come to my eyes.
If I could I'd tear that part in my brain that governs my fear, pride, and ego. It's a disease that needs treatment. It makes me hate myself. I'm killing myself slowly with food and drink. My liver is probably working overtime without holiday pay.
This must be what it feels like to be a monster. Wanting what you cannot, striving for something that you will never allow yourself. I had a dream last night that seemed real. I want to remove that dream from my memory. The woman kissed me. I believed, I actually believed that woman wanted me. Then I woke up. Pain. Pain was all that I could feel this morning.
I should just lock myself in my room. Never let myself out, never see the sun. Block my view from the TV, all it shows are things that I can't have. Maybe I can pray, pray that I don't have those dreams anymore. The dream's of women who are prefect, they are prefect because they want me. They don't want my money, my looks. No, they want me, the person, their author.
I don't even deserve these women, the ones in my dreams. I'm a bastard, an asshole who should never interact with society. Keep me locked up, keep my away from your pets and children. I'm the boogie man, I will give them nightmares. Hideous in its entire splendor.
My emotions are in a turmoil that even the most weather person couldn't handle. I survive everyday in this storm. I need to end it. Leave me to my dark room to pity myself.
I still think about that dream, I think about a lot of my dreams. She wasn't the first one to kiss me in my dreams. No there had been others, she just happens to be the freshest. If I could I'd bang my head on this fucking desk. Let home row engrain into my skull until there is nothing more then a bloody stump that is my neck. Leave me alone god damn it. I know I am a bad person. I don't deserve one second of happiness even if it was in my dream.
Hell is with out hope I say hell is with hope but never the ability to realize it. With out hope I wouldn't be tempted to reach for that apple. Tear it out, tear out this hope that is plaguing me so much. Give me a knife and a flame. I need to sterilize it. I'm already infected and I don't need to further it.
I'm not happy, it's apparent but I don't let it get me down. Each key stroke alleviates my guilt my anger my fear. To eliminate it would require a life time, a life time of missed opportunity. A lifetime filled with dreams. Dream, oh horrible dreams.