I just told my ex that I wasn't ready to talk about stuff and not to call me anymore. No more back and forth between getting over her and trying to fix the remnants of our relationship.

I'm just gonna have fun! Damn str8!

sweetavenue and I hooked up last Fri night. She's very cool. There was a great kinship, lots to talk about, all the ingredients for an attractive meeting of forces. And it was fun. I would definitely do something with her again. It was great fun. What a cool girl! Thanks SG. Thanks sweetavenue.

I just ate my first warm meal at home.... some reheated Veggie Tangine from Lucky Platter in Evanston. The gas guy came on Friday cuz I haven't had a working oven since I bought this place on 3/30. He said he thought he had been here before and then we went down to the meters and it was never turned on...for a month I had the service on but not the gas! I think he was the one who screwed up because he seems pretty embarassed and concerned about how long it was like this. In the end he didn't charge me for the visit and I won't complain.

I've also photoed some artwork I have been doing while on the phone at work.
I had been doing phone doodles that I and some others had found attractive for a while.



Stuff like that...tho at this time I had become a lot more geometric and less curved as I used to be. I went through a spermlike entity phase too but now it just appears occaisionally.

Finally I decided to get a drawing pad let it run at a higher level, while still usually being a product of telephone time.



That's an example. A fuller set, with several more is in my pics section.

I still do not feel as natural drawing as I did with the old "authentic" phone doodles but I'm giving it time to see if the new doodle environment grows familiar and invisible. I'm also waiting to understand what my intuition is saying about this, once I can flesh it out into words. At that point I can be more deliberate about exploring that. Thats when I'd actually call it art.

I decided against rehashing that shrill.

I have a belief that we change our identity by observing it. I just do not believe I need to spend any more time than necessary in "transitional" funks, particularly if they are hardcore (for me that is).

As for my writing, I drew out a storyboard of 16 chapters, so that I can see where I am going. Got that done and its just more of making it real. Now I can focus on two chapters and send them out to test my mettle against all the other hopefuls, hoping for recognition. I like to think I have a "romantic" mind (in the 19th century sense of - subjective) that is a fighter for adaptation in a postmodern plural existence by hopping from symbol to symbol as bubble after bubble bursts, going from one burst bubble to the next inflating one. I hope I can make it work and that I don't die disappointed.

As a lifestyle, personal reincarnation can leave me wrecked at times. The marriage and "supportive open relationship" bubble both exploded simoultaneously and they were huge crater inducing explosions. It takes a lot of courage (or foolishness) to enter the next inflating concept of who I am so soon, but I figure there is nothing as big as those previous two bubbles that can explode anytime soon. The only thing to fear is fear itself.

Am I fooling myself with the idea of a new romantic? Has anyone ever pondering this period? I think it is exciting, with its artists, unconventional expressions of love (including condemnation of marriage as slavery or ownership), revolutionaries, awe of the wilderness, and plotting anarchists, all of whom despise the restrictions of the social world then.

Do I have it decently close to the academic version? But what would a new romantic be? It hurts for me to think about it, because it seems like a doomed creature, but then again...that makes it all real.

I'm more actions than words this week. The words would be too shrill anyway.

Happy Mother's day to all the mothers out there...

and..

Happy Motherfucker's Day to all the motherfuckers out there.

I'm filing my court appearance at my divorce (instead of going), filing it tomorrow. Then sometime in July while I am partying she'll do the court appearance on her own. Yay! I'm so excited. I've never done this before!

That means I get to wear the scarlet "D" that I can use to shield myself from the snooty bitches who say they will never marry a divorced man. I've heard the conversations before. They want to be the first I think. Just like I'll never marry anyone but a virgin.

Then on Monday I am going to a fashion show with some grown-too-soon youngsters. I am always glad to help perfect someone's path to wisdom, and I mean that in all sincerity. The $ for the show goes to the Awassa Children's Project which is financial support for a group of orphans in Ethiopia who taught themselves gymnastics and came 2nd in an all Ethiopia competition.

Got to make more plans...I have shit I have to get together too. I am going to HD right now to get some more paint. When I got separated I shit some bricks, and then built a bachelor pad with them, but it needs paint.

Adios!

Thursday and Friday I just about swore off sex indefinitely.

I had been processing a lot of shit lately. I'm walking away from a long relationship and changing everyday. I got to the point of needing to appreciate women who leave and/or cheat, more than I do already, but the biggest obstacle for that for me was the fact that my own mother left my father and I when I was very young. Did you ever see or read "The Hours"?

I came to the conclusion that you love such a person through the act of not needing what they don't want to, or can't, give you. Showing love through your own independence.

So I was unsexualized going back that far to childhood.

But I called Berlitz Language centerb where a married woman was selling me the Japanese classes in a very aggressive and flirtatious way the week before. I wasn't sure if was female sales, ALA The Apprentice or a cultural thing, she's from Spain I think. But I called back Friday to update (no news about my decision on the classes) and out of curiosity and I was right. She was just as flirty asking me to call back soon and admitting her bad behavior.

I didn't swear off sex after that. That was quick.

I have been writing like a turd in my journal.

I talk like a turd in voice mail. I write like a turd in e-mail and journals.

Appearantly I am talking to some inner freak when a live person isn't involved.

I love being wrong/stupid/weird/fucked up even, as long as I get to see it after for what it is.

I started interviewing my main character for the fiction I'm writing.

I had this story worked out in its basic conception over the last 6 mos, a metaphor for one man finding his thing in the postfeminist world (I was born from one), but a lot of it takes place during the Battle for Okinawa during WW2.

Right now the interview is specifically for the first few chapters anyway but I just invented (or re-invented) the development technique (interviewing).

Its a "top-down" approach. "High-level" conceptual first then "drill down" to get the rubber down onto the road.

Appearantly Joe Van Roost has the hots for Aura, Ming the Merciless' daughter who had the hots for Flash Gordon (Buster Crabbe version).

He's a period character.

Today is my first party in my new place. Its just a "progressive" condo party where other condo owners in my new building come over then we go to someone else's place...etc

The day I logged in I broke up with my girlfriend who strips (fully nude) for a living but also has a long distance boyfriend. I can't tell you how often it is that I get interest from women with boyfriends. I'm starting to think I really shouldn't care and I should take it as a compliment.

Usually its after they've talked with me a bit and found out what a secret I am. I mean look at my fucking picture. He's innocent!