I'm sitting here at a friends house, that I might add I was suckered into going to, thinking that I really need some alone time. I was at home playing the legend of zelda on my ds, chilling. I have realized that I haven't stopped running in almost two weeks. it's been party after party, and I haven't really been sleeping. I'm tired. and I want to just be by myself, but I have let people get attached to me. I don't really think I am a bad friend but it's just time to slow down, and finish reading a few books I started and playing a few games I started as well. it's just time. BUT NOOOO. I'm gonna end up snapping on someone soon I feel it in my blood. It doesn't help that the only thing I bought from wal mart today was tampons and chocolate. The check out lady laughed at me, but that is what they get for having dollar chocolate....I mean I only went in there for tampons. damn anyway, I'm off to make bunnies scream and giggle wildly at their suffering......sigh I just bought the geekist thing on e bay. makes me happy though.

i just spent the whole night tripping on the most wondrous shrooms......i laughed my ass off and it was great

So I'm driving across the country in july. or rather I'm riding in a car across the country the last two weeks in july. Joel and I are going back to San Francisco.
this time we are going camping with Joel's aunts neighbor.
YAY camping.
you know what makes me feel like the biggest loser alive?
I don't know if I want to go
because I would miss the boy i likes birthday and I promised to take him to buy smoking devices.
I don't think I'll let myself stay home for that because it's dumb, and I would kick myself forever.
I mean we are stopping in Vegas, and I've never driven across country.
lol I'm going.
maybe.
I might move to augusta and say fuck it.
I might go to vegas and hit it real big and not have to worry about things for awhile, and see how California treats me for awhile.
or i might go broke in vegas and starve on the streets of California alone and cold......wait, it'll be july....so I won't be cold. yay so this was just me rambling on about nothing. I went to the shooting range yesterday and I got to shoot the boy i likes new gun and it had more kick to it then the other. It was so much fun. I never saw myself as the girl that would enjoy the shooting range and let me tell you in Georgia I was the only girl there. I want a hand gun for my birthday i think. It's like the best stress relief to shoot a few rounds into something. I mean I still know little to nothing about guns, but it was fun.

I'm sorta bummed out.
sorta don't have the energy that would make it better.
I don't know what to do.
well I do but I don't want to do it.



I fear the rejection.

and it only comes to this point if I make it.
I wanna go to sleep for a long long long time.
then when I wake up none of this will matter. a buddy of mine just got out of the mental hospital and I feel like I wanna check in. ( not really of course, but the drugs are good there)


I need a week on shrooms to squeegee that third eye of mine and get a clearer perspective. but my drug man fails me.
sigh it's not been my last couple of weeks. I feel the pressure of finals and I'm not even in school right now.

i'm thinking about ending my sg account I don't really do much here anymore, but I think I would miss it if i did. but I catch myself rarely here anymore. hmmm what to do what to do.

i have a new pick up line....which is "hey I want to reproduce, can I borrow your sperm"
maybe this sense of humor is why I make people around me uncomfortable.....
or maybe my constant threats of slight stabbing....I mean I'll only stab you a little, not a lot.
sperm
lol
my mom asked my dad today if she had a hand job......I couldn't help myself and said well if you had to ask then it wasn't really worth it was it? (they were talking about the car wash)
mmmm I still have a gut full of happy that happy that lies deep down in you and makes it seem like everything is okay.
oh and I'm sure it's full of doom....DOOM.
:

I am sooooo happy right now that it scares me. everything that I have wanted for so long I seem to have gotten. so something bad is on the horizon if the past does repeat it's self. but fuck that I am totally willing to ride this happy wave. this is new to me. Idk I don't even have words for how well things have been. I love making new friends sometimes it just makes the world a little prettier. I went to the field party at my friends last night to celebrate zombie jesus day and so did that boy from work, turns out not only is he attractive but really interesting. although I am thinking it might be leaning toward good friendship I'm okay with that. (slightly disappointed but okay) and it's refreshing when you meet up with someone as damaged as you are, or what I suppose i really mean is similar world view i suppose but different enough to be interesting and not boring. IN other words I'm super jazzed about nothing really exciting to anyone but myself.

I am out of sugar for my tea.
and I busted my ass in front of everyone at the party (this was before I started drinking)
and none of that bothers me.
I am soo happy.

I just had one of the best nights ever.
good art+awesome people+that boy I like from work= best night ever.
oh I am so glad I went to that art show.
and now I might possibly have someone who can fix my tattoo.
YAY sg. YAY art. YAY my friend didn't puke all over the back seat of my car.
boo I wish I had some more moneys because I would have bought something.
my head is still spinning, and tomorrow I've another party thingy to attend.
I feel like I am smiling from my head to my toes.

easter is coming.....yay zombie jesus.
there is a field party that my friend is throwing. That boy that I have a crush on said he would go when I invited him.
I am excited.
all I ever do anymore is bitch and whine i feel like.
I started working out again and I am sore.
All i do is work and I never have any money.
But that boy I like is going to the party I invited him to.
I am a dork, and I love it. yay life.....sometimes.
I'm finally grasping the concept of this new computer, and I love it more than any pc.
it's getting warm out and sunny and honestly it sorta feels like the sun might be shinning on me.
I think I may have finally gotten over the California blues, but I am going back in late summer, I think maybe. with a different group of ppl which could mean a different experience. who knows? I have a lot to reflect on, but I don't care at the moment. I'm just trying to stop doing the things that make myself feel like shit. I can be my own worst enemy and I think I'm done with that. Although I'm sure I'm just having a moment of clarity because I haven't really drank in days. I spent way...way...way to much time drinking in cali and i think I may have just now recovered those lost brain cells. oh yeah and I just got around to watching season five of weeds gotta love free showtime week on demand. yum