So there's going to be a "Smurfs" movie.
Lest you 20something folks complain that your childhood is being violated, and what the fuck does an almost-40 year old prick like me know about this shit, I'll remind you that there was a FIRST wave of Smurfamania amongst kids in the 70s, so I've seen it twice.
The first was in the francophone world, and concentrated on the comics drawn by the Belgian artist Peyo, who wrote stories about a medieval alchemist and diabolist who wanted to kill and experiment on an entire race of fantastical creatures to convert base metals into gold. The civilisation he was set on destroying was peaceful, highly actualized, and all the members therein lived in harmony and pursued their own pursuits and interests to a degree that you could actually refer to "the artist Smurf" or "the brawny Smurf".
The second was in North America and centered around a cartoon that lost some of its menace but stuck roughly to the script. The wizard became a Cartoon Baddie who just wanted to "get" the Smurfs, basically the whole antagonist/protagonist angle dumbed down for kids. However, it stayed medieval, and charming to a degree, although it came out with an execrable earworm of a song.
So, what was the executive decision made when considering a movie? Creating a magical medieval world to teach kids about the joys of living together, in harmony, pursuing one's own interests and that raping the fuck out of people and the environment for gold is evil and destructive?
No, it's CGI and Neil Patrick Harris in the "Dave" (Alvin and the Chipmunks) role. In New York City. Yup, seems they find a time space hole that gets them all running around Manhattan.
It's not that there wouldn't be a market for a well financed, well made movie of this type. There's two generations of kids, including a very large demographic of Millennials, with fond memories of the lil blue guys. Likewise, there's a giant world out there outside of AMERICA that also happens to be fond of the Smurfs. Places like France, Belgium, Switzerland, parts of Africa, Canada - you know, that whole swath of people who speak French. But no, fuck it. Let's just do the cheapest possible gimmicks and push this piece into theatres for a quick buck.
My predictions for the movie:
1) There will be at least one fart joke - implied if not explicit.
2) Gargamel will be goofy and cartoony (a la Dr. Forrester from MST3K) as opposed to malevolent. Azrael will not appear, as animal handlers are expensive.
3) The Smurfs will get little screen time, as CGI is expensive.
4) It will never be explained how the presence of small blue humanoids bursting through well known NYC landmarks doesn't go noticed. Ditto a guy who looks like a homeless guy from a Russian movie.
5) The Smurfs will love capitalist America. Everyone loves America. They would not find a noisy, dangerous, filthy milieu anything but splendid (for fuck's sake, these creatures are capable of MAGIC. Is Saks 5th Avenue that much more impressive?)
6) At least one Smurf will rap.
7) At least one cheaply obtained rap number from the 90s. "Bust a move" by Young MC, perhaps. And they will get jiggy. 6 and 7 might be combined.
8) Smurfs will obtain "flava", and Smurfette will whore out - either ghetto fabulous or Jersey Shore.
9) Several D-lister cameos. NPH doesn't count. Thinking Ja Rule, Kathy Griffin, etc.
10) The moral of the story will be about going into a foreign place to help/save a friend, but you know, at the same time, helping yourself to what's there is awesome.
11) There will be nothing Smurflike about the smurfs. The story will be so generic as to be Alvin and the Chipmunks 2 by simply changing the names. The nature of the creatures and their world will be lost in a "one of ours is lost - let's go get em" plot-by-numbers.
The movie will flop, but that won't stop them trying to sell tons of cheaply made Chinese Smurf figures. They'll wait to see if the movie has some success before rolling em out - but they won't make it.
Lest you 20something folks complain that your childhood is being violated, and what the fuck does an almost-40 year old prick like me know about this shit, I'll remind you that there was a FIRST wave of Smurfamania amongst kids in the 70s, so I've seen it twice.
The first was in the francophone world, and concentrated on the comics drawn by the Belgian artist Peyo, who wrote stories about a medieval alchemist and diabolist who wanted to kill and experiment on an entire race of fantastical creatures to convert base metals into gold. The civilisation he was set on destroying was peaceful, highly actualized, and all the members therein lived in harmony and pursued their own pursuits and interests to a degree that you could actually refer to "the artist Smurf" or "the brawny Smurf".
The second was in North America and centered around a cartoon that lost some of its menace but stuck roughly to the script. The wizard became a Cartoon Baddie who just wanted to "get" the Smurfs, basically the whole antagonist/protagonist angle dumbed down for kids. However, it stayed medieval, and charming to a degree, although it came out with an execrable earworm of a song.
So, what was the executive decision made when considering a movie? Creating a magical medieval world to teach kids about the joys of living together, in harmony, pursuing one's own interests and that raping the fuck out of people and the environment for gold is evil and destructive?
No, it's CGI and Neil Patrick Harris in the "Dave" (Alvin and the Chipmunks) role. In New York City. Yup, seems they find a time space hole that gets them all running around Manhattan.
It's not that there wouldn't be a market for a well financed, well made movie of this type. There's two generations of kids, including a very large demographic of Millennials, with fond memories of the lil blue guys. Likewise, there's a giant world out there outside of AMERICA that also happens to be fond of the Smurfs. Places like France, Belgium, Switzerland, parts of Africa, Canada - you know, that whole swath of people who speak French. But no, fuck it. Let's just do the cheapest possible gimmicks and push this piece into theatres for a quick buck.
My predictions for the movie:
1) There will be at least one fart joke - implied if not explicit.
2) Gargamel will be goofy and cartoony (a la Dr. Forrester from MST3K) as opposed to malevolent. Azrael will not appear, as animal handlers are expensive.
3) The Smurfs will get little screen time, as CGI is expensive.
4) It will never be explained how the presence of small blue humanoids bursting through well known NYC landmarks doesn't go noticed. Ditto a guy who looks like a homeless guy from a Russian movie.
5) The Smurfs will love capitalist America. Everyone loves America. They would not find a noisy, dangerous, filthy milieu anything but splendid (for fuck's sake, these creatures are capable of MAGIC. Is Saks 5th Avenue that much more impressive?)
6) At least one Smurf will rap.
7) At least one cheaply obtained rap number from the 90s. "Bust a move" by Young MC, perhaps. And they will get jiggy. 6 and 7 might be combined.
8) Smurfs will obtain "flava", and Smurfette will whore out - either ghetto fabulous or Jersey Shore.
9) Several D-lister cameos. NPH doesn't count. Thinking Ja Rule, Kathy Griffin, etc.
10) The moral of the story will be about going into a foreign place to help/save a friend, but you know, at the same time, helping yourself to what's there is awesome.
11) There will be nothing Smurflike about the smurfs. The story will be so generic as to be Alvin and the Chipmunks 2 by simply changing the names. The nature of the creatures and their world will be lost in a "one of ours is lost - let's go get em" plot-by-numbers.
The movie will flop, but that won't stop them trying to sell tons of cheaply made Chinese Smurf figures. They'll wait to see if the movie has some success before rolling em out - but they won't make it.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
The Smurfs will drive a taxi, a few using the pedals, a few steering. They will have a fare who will say, "So, where are you guys from?"
The Smurfs will dress up in a trench coat to impersonate a human.
There will be a restaurant scene where a woman spots the smurfs and screams "Rats!".
A smurf will end up swimming in soup and/or an aquarium.
If it's really bad, a blue balls joke. A few kids parking, the boy says, "But, Cindy, if you don't they'll turn blue" while the Smurfs are in the backseat.
One of the Smurfs will get tipsy.
There will be breakdancing.
There may be City Smurfs to contrast with the country Smurfs, from Smurf Village. Leather, sunglasses, fast talking, 'street smart'.