It's been awhile. I hope to keep in better touch...if there is anyone out there...funny thing about blogs, they really don't mean anything unless someone reads them.

ugh, why can't i get up in the morning. i like sleeping and dreaming way too much, that's why. fantasy land where anything can happen and usually does.

they're some really good dreams too. almost nightmarish, but more action adventure. this morning there was some sort of godzilla/cloverfield monster chasing me and my tribe (it really was like a nomadic tribe feel, although we did have some cultivated agriculture). it wasn't scary though. it was just another part of life. one of those things you deal with. like depression i guess. big nasty monster that will destroy you if you let it. but you don't. you fight it, you run from it, you deal with it, and it makes you stronger.

i forget what the other one was, but it was similar. some action flick where i'm diving and hiding and fighting and running and surviving. and then someone calls and my phone wakes me up. bastards.

standing around at work...again. at least some people have come in, but i'm not feeling overly social today. got nice and delirious of vodka last night, so i'm sure that has something to do with it. i also forgot my book. that means i've been standing around watching football games via the internet stats. oh, how exciting. at least there is only another hour before i can go home and finish off whatever vodka is left...then fall asleep...and do it all over again.

shoveled yesterday, shoveled today. i'll probably have to shovel tomorrow too, but i don't mind. it's a good exercise and it gets my outside where i really want to be. i need to find more excuses to get outside this winter. i suppose a walk is a walk.

i'm standing at work right now, have seen two customers. i have gotten some reading done and will do some more, but i figured i'd do some writing as well. i don't know if blogging can really be considered 'writing' in the terms that i mean. but it's doing something with the mind. i do need to do more 'writing'. greene, berry, both of them are worth an essay. i can even do an evaluation of subject & strategy and everything's an argument. both would help the job prospects. remember that too, you're looking for a job...

didn't talk to my father yesterday. he called, but i just let it ring. i'm not much for the holiday, it's really just another day for me. so, he'll be mad. i won't really care. not the greatest father/son relationship, but it's the one i have. i suppose that's been on my mind lately, my family relationship. it's not strong. i don't really talk to them, i don't really want to. i like my own thing and my own friends. yet, even those friends seem to be distant. i'm really just emotionally detached from so many things. is it like colin said, the drinking that inhibits emotional growth, or do i just don't establish strong emotional ties? or is it something else?

i really do like to not answer my phone. said but true...

the dude wasn't that bad today. of course, i went in with different intentions. of course that will change my perception, so it turned out to be a nice morning lift. i did think to myself on the drive over as i pulled a toot, should i mention that part of my pre-lift routine is smoking a little pot? what if he's a cop, i thought? sure enough, he's a cop. good think i didn't mention it.

6 inches of fresh snow on the ground. it was really pleasant this morning getting out early and doing some shoveling. the snow was undisturbed, you could hear the plows in the distance but they hadn't reached my street yet. a nice blanket of pureness covering the dead earth, gently putting it to sleep for the winter.

the question now becomes, do i drink tonight?

i like my gym. it's quiet. i like quiet. i don't have to wait for people to use a machine or weights, i don't have to avoid running into someone or dodge their workout. i don't have to deal with uncomfortable eye-contact-avoidance. yet, today, there was a stranger in the mix: big veiny arms, a little older, and talkative. it didn't bother me for the first part of my workout, but after the third guy in the gym left, he HAD to talk to me.

i work out with my headphones for a reason. i like the focus and protection they provide. it is a silent code saying, "don't bother, i'm in my zone.' yet, this dude felt the need to spark up a conversation. he would just start talking to me. i suppose, i could have just smiled and nodded; but that's just rude, so i indulge him. for the most part, i like the people i talk to in gyms. they have similar interested and can share some information with me about techniques and programs. this guy started talking about his nasty divorce and objectifying women. i don't really appreciate oppressing my usual workout with these thoughts.

what do you do? he breaks my rhythm in between sets. he brings up subjects i'd rather just laugh off than try to carry the conversation. what i should do is say, "sorry, no offense, but i like to get my workouts done quickly and intensely and your not helping my vibe." but i don't. i cater to the whims of strangers.

I am what I am. And what the world sees is a shadow of the image that projects itself on the screen.