Reconnect
Ive spent the last several months contemplating the relationships I keep with my family, at times marveling at the distance thats somehow crept between me and the kin. The reason, though, is as simple as me putting space between myself and the others. Intimacy between each of us is hard to find. Its easier to remain at arms length than open up to the prying and potentially judgmental eyes of those who know your weaknesses more intimately than anybody else on the planet.
Id like to think that Ive matured, though, realizing the importance of closeness with blood. Yes, there exists the practical needs of emotional and financial support that are normally only found with family. But, beyond these immediate tangibles, is the simple fact that I am them and they are me. I am the product, the literal marriage of genes from my father and genes from my mother, fused together to make me. No matter how far I run or how fast I fly, this inescapable fact always remains true. And, by extension, I am also my brother as I am my sister as I am my grandfathers and I am my grandmothers and I am my cousins, and so on and so forth.
I cant abandon my family because I cant abandon me. Yes, I am still my own separate self, but I am also indelibly them.
And its with this realization that Ive consciously chosen to take proactive steps to break down the barriers that have built up between me and my family. I want to take down these walls that separate me from those I love and who love me. Life is fleeting and its sheer idiocy to not live each moment as if it will never again exist.
Which is exactly why I started an email correspondence with an aunt of mine. She and my uncle took me to see all the original Star Wars movies. I was a kid to them before they had children of their own. Because I want to take down these barriers, I asked my aunt if she minded if I just referred to her by her first name. Using Aunt, as a title, just seemed so stodgy. And this is what she said:
As for stodgy... well, yes I suppose our culture does put certain impositions on what is considered acceptable behavior among friends and family. And no, I do not mind you addressing Robert and I by our first names only. But please know that it is the familiarity of being one's aunt or uncle which distinguishes you from so many acquaintances out there in whom we have no special or particular interest. It is a term of endearment to us (as we grow old) setting you apart as special, not childish. It is sadly looked upon as a child-like term by so many, but it is the culture we live in and I understand that. So please feel free to address us by our first names. We are not at all offended. But if every now and then you quietly slip the words "Aunt" or "Uncle" when speaking to us, it will only remind us of your special place in our lives.
Love, (Aunt) Beverly
Ive spent the last several months contemplating the relationships I keep with my family, at times marveling at the distance thats somehow crept between me and the kin. The reason, though, is as simple as me putting space between myself and the others. Intimacy between each of us is hard to find. Its easier to remain at arms length than open up to the prying and potentially judgmental eyes of those who know your weaknesses more intimately than anybody else on the planet.
Id like to think that Ive matured, though, realizing the importance of closeness with blood. Yes, there exists the practical needs of emotional and financial support that are normally only found with family. But, beyond these immediate tangibles, is the simple fact that I am them and they are me. I am the product, the literal marriage of genes from my father and genes from my mother, fused together to make me. No matter how far I run or how fast I fly, this inescapable fact always remains true. And, by extension, I am also my brother as I am my sister as I am my grandfathers and I am my grandmothers and I am my cousins, and so on and so forth.
I cant abandon my family because I cant abandon me. Yes, I am still my own separate self, but I am also indelibly them.
And its with this realization that Ive consciously chosen to take proactive steps to break down the barriers that have built up between me and my family. I want to take down these walls that separate me from those I love and who love me. Life is fleeting and its sheer idiocy to not live each moment as if it will never again exist.
Which is exactly why I started an email correspondence with an aunt of mine. She and my uncle took me to see all the original Star Wars movies. I was a kid to them before they had children of their own. Because I want to take down these barriers, I asked my aunt if she minded if I just referred to her by her first name. Using Aunt, as a title, just seemed so stodgy. And this is what she said:
As for stodgy... well, yes I suppose our culture does put certain impositions on what is considered acceptable behavior among friends and family. And no, I do not mind you addressing Robert and I by our first names only. But please know that it is the familiarity of being one's aunt or uncle which distinguishes you from so many acquaintances out there in whom we have no special or particular interest. It is a term of endearment to us (as we grow old) setting you apart as special, not childish. It is sadly looked upon as a child-like term by so many, but it is the culture we live in and I understand that. So please feel free to address us by our first names. We are not at all offended. But if every now and then you quietly slip the words "Aunt" or "Uncle" when speaking to us, it will only remind us of your special place in our lives.
Love, (Aunt) Beverly
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Your Aunt Beverly is a wise woman-- my aunts and uncles (and there are a whole pack of them) all have kids, therefore nieces and nephews are a dime-a-dozen in my family. I used to be and for the most part still am the strange one, so my long absences and silences don't even raise an eye.
For me, it's all about finding right relationship with the members of my family-- it isn't the same for every one of them. My brother (DC2020) is someone I could live with and/or see every day. My father I could see regularly and be good to go. My mother? Not so much. So for me it's finding the level of intimacy or connection that works for each relationship, and not trying to fit my reality into the tiny little box of familial/social expectation!
Thank you for sharing.