Did you ever get the feeling that everything around you means nothing? That it's all cardboard cut-outs and things designed to keep you busy while something else is going on? Lately I have. Some of it's state of mind, lots of new things going on and not being sure how to feel about them. I'm actually having trouble deciding if my feelings of alienation are just one more part of the big show or not.
The last time I felt like this was when I decided I was done with the University. I had no idea why I was there. I didn't belong and I had no purpose that was visible to myself. I guess at that time I was pretty depressed. Now I think it's more stress than depression.
If you had asked me 4 months ago; "Rich what is your purpose?" I probably would have had an answer. It may not have been a great one but it was at the time enough to keep me going. I can't even remeber what was keeping me so content over the last year. It seems like most of the things that I was engaged in are only progressing as normal if not improving for me. Yet for some reason I don't really care very much at the moment.
Of course this afternoon everything seems fine, I am content, I have things to look forward to and am not being a hopeless cynic. Last night was a different story. I was reading an Invidsibles comic and waiting for the phone to ring in front of a fan in 90 degree heat. All this after a long nap. I'm not sure if I was ever truly awake.
I finally called my girl which is generally ill-advised because her Husband gets angry with her. And once again I thought of how much deeper this is sucking me in. I can't stand for her to be trapped. The closer we get the more I can't stand the thought of her being paid for bearing her sexuality on the internet for the entertainment and arousal of others.
I tell her how I feel and I don't think she gets it. I try to explain using examples and it frustrates us both and I say harsher things to try to make her understand the feeling in my intestines when I look at the pictures on this site of girls either casually playing with themselves or other girls for someone else's financial gain or because they truly want to.
I asked her if she ever did a two girl set that she not look at the other person like she really wanted to fuck her. And she almost scoffed when she said "well that's kind of the point.". The point for who? "It is after all a porn site.". It scares me that she can so casually label what she is doing as such. Before I just told myself that she does it for the attention or for fun but now what she is doing has to live up to the standards of good porn.
I couldn't understand this I just wanted her to understand that if this is a monagamy then the combination of the looks on her face and the position of her naked body in exctacy are for the viewing of her and I. Not the whole world and not to be paid for and re-sold. I can talk to my friends about this and they seem to understand my side of things. But couldn't ever talk to her friends to see if they could seem to understand it. Most are members of this site. i want to know if I am completely off base but have n way to judge. I can't propose this questiont a group of people that lust after internet models, talk about thier 4 ways on message boards and about what fun it would be to watch someone else fuck your sweetheart because niether of us are those people.
I left this site for those reasons. Perhaps I don't understand her. I can't understand why she MUST take off her clothes for the purpose of sexually arousing people and get paid for it. I understand talking to people and meeting them and having fun. I also understand the thoughts people have in private while these girls are put on display. The more of a solid business this site becomes the worse I think it is going to warp girls that are using it as a shelter and won't leave. This new set with Jessica rolling around in money just makes me think once again of the scenes from Requiem For A Dream that so turned my stomach.
This issue is more complex than even I can explain. It has to take into account the morals/feelings etc of several people. But for now as I've told this much all I can say is it hurts. At best when I speak my mind on it it hurts her and makes me feel like I'm out of touch with reality when before and after I speak it I am quite sure of my reality.
Out of the big show that is being put on everyday I am sure that being with this girl is part of my new purpose. But the parts of this that are fucking with my mind are toplling the rest of the cardboard cut outs, the rest of the scenery in the show. The other night, drunk, while she told me she had to leave Ii started to cry uncontrollably. I couldn't tell her or myself why then now I can only speculate that watching the scenery in your show fall around you is scary and I can only hope that the parts I want to knock down can be uprooted without falling on either of the players.
PS I hven't done a punk show in a while so that will be one of my short term goals, another horse and pony t keep my attention elsewhere.
The last time I felt like this was when I decided I was done with the University. I had no idea why I was there. I didn't belong and I had no purpose that was visible to myself. I guess at that time I was pretty depressed. Now I think it's more stress than depression.
If you had asked me 4 months ago; "Rich what is your purpose?" I probably would have had an answer. It may not have been a great one but it was at the time enough to keep me going. I can't even remeber what was keeping me so content over the last year. It seems like most of the things that I was engaged in are only progressing as normal if not improving for me. Yet for some reason I don't really care very much at the moment.
Of course this afternoon everything seems fine, I am content, I have things to look forward to and am not being a hopeless cynic. Last night was a different story. I was reading an Invidsibles comic and waiting for the phone to ring in front of a fan in 90 degree heat. All this after a long nap. I'm not sure if I was ever truly awake.
I finally called my girl which is generally ill-advised because her Husband gets angry with her. And once again I thought of how much deeper this is sucking me in. I can't stand for her to be trapped. The closer we get the more I can't stand the thought of her being paid for bearing her sexuality on the internet for the entertainment and arousal of others.
I tell her how I feel and I don't think she gets it. I try to explain using examples and it frustrates us both and I say harsher things to try to make her understand the feeling in my intestines when I look at the pictures on this site of girls either casually playing with themselves or other girls for someone else's financial gain or because they truly want to.
I asked her if she ever did a two girl set that she not look at the other person like she really wanted to fuck her. And she almost scoffed when she said "well that's kind of the point.". The point for who? "It is after all a porn site.". It scares me that she can so casually label what she is doing as such. Before I just told myself that she does it for the attention or for fun but now what she is doing has to live up to the standards of good porn.
I couldn't understand this I just wanted her to understand that if this is a monagamy then the combination of the looks on her face and the position of her naked body in exctacy are for the viewing of her and I. Not the whole world and not to be paid for and re-sold. I can talk to my friends about this and they seem to understand my side of things. But couldn't ever talk to her friends to see if they could seem to understand it. Most are members of this site. i want to know if I am completely off base but have n way to judge. I can't propose this questiont a group of people that lust after internet models, talk about thier 4 ways on message boards and about what fun it would be to watch someone else fuck your sweetheart because niether of us are those people.
I left this site for those reasons. Perhaps I don't understand her. I can't understand why she MUST take off her clothes for the purpose of sexually arousing people and get paid for it. I understand talking to people and meeting them and having fun. I also understand the thoughts people have in private while these girls are put on display. The more of a solid business this site becomes the worse I think it is going to warp girls that are using it as a shelter and won't leave. This new set with Jessica rolling around in money just makes me think once again of the scenes from Requiem For A Dream that so turned my stomach.
This issue is more complex than even I can explain. It has to take into account the morals/feelings etc of several people. But for now as I've told this much all I can say is it hurts. At best when I speak my mind on it it hurts her and makes me feel like I'm out of touch with reality when before and after I speak it I am quite sure of my reality.
Out of the big show that is being put on everyday I am sure that being with this girl is part of my new purpose. But the parts of this that are fucking with my mind are toplling the rest of the cardboard cut outs, the rest of the scenery in the show. The other night, drunk, while she told me she had to leave Ii started to cry uncontrollably. I couldn't tell her or myself why then now I can only speculate that watching the scenery in your show fall around you is scary and I can only hope that the parts I want to knock down can be uprooted without falling on either of the players.
PS I hven't done a punk show in a while so that will be one of my short term goals, another horse and pony t keep my attention elsewhere.
I now have a vehicle!!! It's a pickup truck. It's not a big one but it's an extended cab so I have leg room. As far as mohawk room; that has yet to be determined.
Now I have to go get insured, register it and learn how to drive. I don't even want to know what my insurance is going to look like. I'm a non driver, male under 25. Wheeeeeeeeee I bet they'll just keep tacking on the zeroes for that one.
Yes, I'm lame and I haven't learned to drive yet. But now I have a truck so I can learn. I WILL BE FREE!
NOTE: Isobel, there are some papers in your purse I really need
Now I have to go get insured, register it and learn how to drive. I don't even want to know what my insurance is going to look like. I'm a non driver, male under 25. Wheeeeeeeeee I bet they'll just keep tacking on the zeroes for that one.
Yes, I'm lame and I haven't learned to drive yet. But now I have a truck so I can learn. I WILL BE FREE!
NOTE: Isobel, there are some papers in your purse I really need The punk show sunday was quite a good time. Unfortunately the 2 touring bands never showed up. They must've gotten lost between ABC No Rio and Syracuse. Chuck's band, John Wayne's Severed Head and I Object from Buffalo played.
After about 10 minutes of the first band playing the cops showed up complaining so the solution we (us and the cops) agreed with was to move the show to the basement. The funny thing is this was the exact solution I came up with before and city fire codes threatened to sick the cops on me.
Isobel and I got really fucking sunburned walking to the show because it was such a nice day. I Object is Ryan Cappiletti's new band. Fast, pointed, DIY hardcore with dual malefemale vocals. The other good thing about Ryan coming around is that he has a really good distro. Every time they come to town he's got the newest punk, crust, hardcore and thrash from around the globe.
The only crappy thing about the show was the basement wa infested with spiders. BIG fucking spiders. I don't like spiders. I noticed an especially huge one lowering itself into the middle of the pit while kids were circling. I went up stairs
This week m rents ar coming over to give me a vehicle to use in my education as a driver, pick up all the tools i borrowed for building my punk venue that never happened and to take Isobel and I out to dinner!
Yay for free food!!!
After about 10 minutes of the first band playing the cops showed up complaining so the solution we (us and the cops) agreed with was to move the show to the basement. The funny thing is this was the exact solution I came up with before and city fire codes threatened to sick the cops on me.
Isobel and I got really fucking sunburned walking to the show because it was such a nice day. I Object is Ryan Cappiletti's new band. Fast, pointed, DIY hardcore with dual malefemale vocals. The other good thing about Ryan coming around is that he has a really good distro. Every time they come to town he's got the newest punk, crust, hardcore and thrash from around the globe.
The only crappy thing about the show was the basement wa infested with spiders. BIG fucking spiders. I don't like spiders. I noticed an especially huge one lowering itself into the middle of the pit while kids were circling. I went up stairs
This week m rents ar coming over to give me a vehicle to use in my education as a driver, pick up all the tools i borrowed for building my punk venue that never happened and to take Isobel and I out to dinner!
Yay for free food!!!
Punk rock show Sunday!!!
Deadfall, The Runnamucks, John Wayne's Severed head and some more at my pal Chuck's house!!! That goes all afternoon so hopefully I can pop down to Ithaca when it's done and see A Global Threat play as well. I think I have a ride for Isobel too if she doesn't mind going along. If not she can just sit home and pout cuz that's what everyone does when you miss a show while everyone else is having a good time. If anyone from NY wants to stop by for either show check out My Page to find out where the shin-dig is occuring. More later!
rich
Deadfall, The Runnamucks, John Wayne's Severed head and some more at my pal Chuck's house!!! That goes all afternoon so hopefully I can pop down to Ithaca when it's done and see A Global Threat play as well. I think I have a ride for Isobel too if she doesn't mind going along. If not she can just sit home and pout cuz that's what everyone does when you miss a show while everyone else is having a good time. If anyone from NY wants to stop by for either show check out My Page to find out where the shin-dig is occuring. More later!
richCripes! I'm a bit drunk. Unfortunately Isobel couldn't come out tonight. My friend Stan had his band playing at the K-Rock band search tonight. It went well. Saw a few people I'd not seen in a while.
I'm boring and need to go to bed.
The New Dropkick Murphy's Almbum comes out tomorrow AM!!!!!
I'm boring and need to go to bed.
The New Dropkick Murphy's Almbum comes out tomorrow AM!!!!!
So you say you fell in love, and you're gonna get married, Raise yourself a family, how simple life can be Somewhere it all went wrong, and your plans just fell apart and you ain't got the heart to finish what you started.
Yeah you fell in love and you went and got married
had yourself a family how simple life can be
Somewhere it all went wrong, and your plans just fell apart and you ain't got the heart to finish what you started.
The ones that you love, the ones that you left behind
the ones you said you'd try to find, they try to find you
Somewhere it all went wrong, and your plans just fell apart and you ain't got the heart to finish what you started.You walked out that door to find out where you belong to fulfill your own dreams I think you have forgotten...
The ones that you love, the ones that you left behind
the ones you said you'd try to find, they try to find you
Yeah you fell in love and you went and got married
had yourself a family how simple life can be
Somewhere it all went wrong, and your plans just fell apart and you ain't got the heart to finish what you started.
The ones that you love, the ones that you left behind
the ones you said you'd try to find, they try to find you
Somewhere it all went wrong, and your plans just fell apart and you ain't got the heart to finish what you started.You walked out that door to find out where you belong to fulfill your own dreams I think you have forgotten...
The ones that you love, the ones that you left behind
the ones you said you'd try to find, they try to find you
Yeah so I guess i'm back for a bit. I don't know for how long or exactly whybut I am. I guess theres this girl I like kinda and I want to support her in what she does. I'm not really here to check out nekkid girls any longer I have one that's just fine at the moment. 
-rich@syracusepunk.com
-rich@syracusepunk.com
Well hooray it seems some kids' parents blew me in to city codes so my new DIY show space is dead in the water.
In liu of this and other things; taking more responsibility at the store, looking for a viable legal place for punk shows and a need to save money. I'm going to lapse my SG account. As long as I'm living in Syracuse, NY www.syracusepunk.com will be up if anyone has a dire need to contact me. Or e-mail rich@syracusepunk.com I may be back sometime but I don't know when that will be.
-rich
In liu of this and other things; taking more responsibility at the store, looking for a viable legal place for punk shows and a need to save money. I'm going to lapse my SG account. As long as I'm living in Syracuse, NY www.syracusepunk.com will be up if anyone has a dire need to contact me. Or e-mail rich@syracusepunk.com I may be back sometime but I don't know when that will be.
-rich
Oh cripes I'm sorry for not updating for so long. I have been trying to ween myself off of sitting in front of the computer for hours on end. It seems to be helping with my wieght.
Went out for the Great Guinness Toast the other night it wasn't very eventfull and it was hard watching people drink Labatts during it. Set my leather jacket down for a while and after about 2 hours some cute girl picked it up an tried it on while I wasn't watching it.
I'm going to try to do around three shows a month which will hopefully keep the kids here (and myself) interrested. It's still slow going on getting the show space ready still much to be done. Ordered 300 more syracusepunk.com butons to hand out.
Missed Blood For Blood and Ramallah in Buffalo last Sunday. Ummmm I dunno I guess that's it well things at work are wierd due to the long time coming changing of the gaurd. I'll be the only management member left from the old crew. Wierd yet exciting
-rich
Went out for the Great Guinness Toast the other night it wasn't very eventfull and it was hard watching people drink Labatts during it. Set my leather jacket down for a while and after about 2 hours some cute girl picked it up an tried it on while I wasn't watching it.
I'm going to try to do around three shows a month which will hopefully keep the kids here (and myself) interrested. It's still slow going on getting the show space ready still much to be done. Ordered 300 more syracusepunk.com butons to hand out.
Missed Blood For Blood and Ramallah in Buffalo last Sunday. Ummmm I dunno I guess that's it well things at work are wierd due to the long time coming changing of the gaurd. I'll be the only management member left from the old crew. Wierd yet exciting
-rich
