so me and maggie-monster are here in MA. she's sitting in my lap purring. i know she misses her brother. we couldnt take him on the plane because the ticketing agent lied when they said we could check him. turns out they dont allow checked pets until after sept. 15th.. lame!!! so he is still in cali with my mother and maggie gets a bit lonely up on the top floor.
the weather is great. its hot and humid but about 25 degrees cooler than in cali. i love the sound of the cicadas outside my window. i'm starting to feel real peace.

my last week in cali was stressful what with wrapping up all my moving business. had some good final days with the ex though. i'm glad we didnt end up leaving it the way we did when he moved back to sac. my car shipper still hasnt come through so the car is still there. ugh! and everyone i live with drives a stick! damn my bad back and not being able to drive a standard!

my ex hasnt drunk in 2 weeks. i told him i'm proud of him. then he tells me its not that he's quitting, he just hasn't drank. ugh! freaking alcoholics. but hey as long as he doesnt call me all drunk its not my problem.
i wonder how long it will take for me to adjust to this new timezone. i keep staying up till 3 am. it doesnt matter much at the moment but i will have to start working in a week or so...

all in all life is starting to look better. finally there is promise. finally there is hope. i know i made the right choice. it's weird not having anyone to take care of. i've had to take care of someone my whole life. i don't think i'll have too much trouble getting used to it.

today is my last day in my apartment.
my things are already on their way.
my ex keeps calling me drunk off his ass. it depresses the hell out of me. the last time he called he just had to bring up one time when he was drunk and said some really aweful things to me. the kind of things that my drunk mother used to say to me. it was one of the worst nights of my life. i havent thought about it since it happened but he had to dredge it up. why does he do these things? is he trying to hurt me? i guess he probably is since i've left him.
i'm feeling so overwhelmed and feeling waves of depression. i just want it all to be over. i want to be in my new home away from this place. my last day of work was night before last. it was so hard leaving my boys. my ex has evicted me from my life. i worked so hard to make my house a home and fit my job to me but at home with him it was like being a hostage. i had no energy to live a life. i was so exhausted from cleaning up after him in figurative and literal ways. i feel like a weight has been lifted but i'm also so scared about where i go from here. i still have expenses and i have no job waiting for me. i've spent every penny i have. i keep trying not to worry or freak out cause i know it doesnt help anything but it is so hard!

only two weeks till i have to be out of my house.
i was going to be driving across country but my driving mate had a bit of a crisis in her own life so big change in plans. i'm shipping everything, even the car, and flying out with my two kitties. its nerve wracking! but i finally broke-down and asked for help from my adopted dad (i'm working on the whole getting help thing) and its coming together, i'm booking all the shippers tomorrow. now i just have to buy a plane ticket and hope they dont charge me an arm and a leg to bring the cats. man this is costing a lot of money. but its a small price to pay for a new life. i almost feel like i am paying bail from the life sentence of an unhealthy marriage. it is going to be so nice to be free of all his drama and emotional black mail. i'm finally free to live my own life! i'm filled with nerves but i know i'll start breathing once i board that plane. MA here i come!

A couple of days ago my soon to be ex-husband was talking to his sister on the phone. she was crying to him about her partner and the shit he pulls. a lot of it was the same things ryan does. cumpulsive shopping, running up credit bills, keeping us constantly in overdraft. basically creating financial insecurity at every turn. he said seeing it from her perspective made him finally see what he had been putting me through. while i appreciated his apology it just further illustrated the point that his family has always been more important to him than me. he was moved by her suffering but unmoved, unsympathetic, to mine.
i hate this, all of this. i hate what he put me through and what i put up with. but i learned something important. healthy love cant be unconditional. i learned to say enough is enough.i'm finally learning to love myself instead of giving it all away.

I am selling off some drawings. Please take a look, hopefully you will fall in love with something and buy it so i can put your generous purchase money into my empty moving fund. the prices are real cheap and shipping is included in the purchase price. My shameless ploy for money thread.

I keep waiting for life to get easier.
It hasnt yet.
I feel so old. My heart is aged from all the pain.
one of these days i will be happy. one of these days i will breath without a weight in my chest.
Nothing tells me that is true but a part of me hopes for it anyway.

my husband and i are getting a divorce. i made the decision but we both new it was time. it's the best thing for the both of us but its still breaking my heart. i'm really going to miss him. he is moving back to the valley and i am moving to MA. my move is going to take a bit more time to swing than his. i'm not sure how long but i plan on having it all done within the next 6 months. he is my best friend and that is all he ever should have been. we want completely different things out of life. i need to see the world and he needs to be near his family. there are a million things. i once thought that our differences would make us stronger, but they only tore us apart. i'm feeling really sad. after the move i dont know if i will ever see him again since i have no reason to ever return to california. we are staying in touch but i will so miss hugging him, holding his hand. we've been together for 9 years. thats a third of myt life. even though we werent happy together, i dont know how to live without him. i know he will not be gone from my life but nothing will be the same.

disclaimer: i drew this is reponse to my husbands addiction which happens to be expressed in smoking pot.
it is not a comment on the herb itself. its is a comment on his unhealthy affair with what in non-addicts hands is, i beleive, a perfectly healthy drug.

i woke-up depressed this evening. i havent been able to shake it. i guess i should be used to it by now but being depressed still pisses me off, even when i have a reason to be...
my husband admitted to me a few days ago that he has been sneaking money and buying alcohol and pot with it. as an addict the last thing he should be doing is drinking and smoking. but that i could deal with, he's an addct and addicts slip sometimes. what upsets me is that he has been outright lying to me about it. we are human and will make mistakes, i can understand that and work past it pretty quickly but lying is another thing. when i find out he's been lying to me habitually about one thing it throws everything he says into question. how am i supposed to know what to beieive? can i beleive anything he says? i really hate this! why does the man i love have to be a bipolar addict? i just want life to be simple. things will never be simple with him.
how do two people who love eachother know when enough is enough?
he's finally gone into recovery and that gave me hope but his confession dashed those hopes. it was easy to have hope before i knew everything.

for some reason the site is not letting me add images right now. kinds of defeats the purpose of what i was trying to do today