Embalming ain't really my thang.

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You're right Meeka. I do need to start packing.

Dirty Birds

Several weeks ago I called one of my clients to check in on her. Her Grandmother told me that she passed away, and she said that it would be nice if I could go to the viewing. So that Friday after work I walked down the street to the funeral home and attempted to blend in. If, for some reason, someone asked me how I knew her it wouldn't really be appropriate for me to say 'Oh, I was her rape counselor.'
There were pictures and posters all around the sitting room. Seeing her childhood photos made my stomach drop. I'd never met her in person but I was still surprised as I approached the casket. Jenn, meet Ashley. Ashley, meet Jenn. And there she was looking every bit the corpse and nothing at all like the picture at the end of her casket. I wanted her to look like she was sleeping. I wanted her to look like herself. She looked dead.
I kept thinking that I wanted to take a picture of her, that this type of thing would be the best advertisement against drugs: Don't do drugs because you might die.You'll die and you'll end up looking like this. And then your family members will be heartbroken and they'll have to sit at your viewing thinking about how you're gone and how you look like shit.
I'm starting mortuary school in the fall. I keep thinking about her and her family and how I don't ever want to do that to anyone. If someone looks unpresentable, the family members should be warned. I feel terrible for everyone who went to the viewing. I can't imagine losing someone you love and then walking up to say good-bye only to be frightened by what's left of them. I'm getting scared. I've never worked with dead bodies and I don't know how difficult it can be. And if I can't make them look like they once did...I don't want to put people through more misery.
Things have been eventful for me recently: I quit my job, found a school, found an apartment, and I'm going to be moving in a few months. I'm freaking out about all the change but I'm trying to remind myself to enjoy these new experiences. Besides, I'll have Cadbury with me, so I'll be ok. He is 10 lbs of pure heaven!

I don't want to work. There. I said it. I'm lazy and indulgent, and no matter how hard I want to be one of those people has to be doing something, I'm not. I fucking love watching TV, spending all day shopping, and drinking coffee with friends. I have dreams but I guess my hangup is spending most of my time working. Two measly days a week off? What if I want to travel far away? What it rains all weekend long and Monday happens to be sunny and breezy? Tomorrow I start a new job...the thought of it makes me cringe. My lover says I need to be self-employed...I just want to travel, read tons of books, and have a pig sanctuary with a lot of helpers

I was only in Maryland for 30 minutes and I managed to purchase a new vibrator and run into Morgan!


I get into these dead-end things and then I don't have the heart to get myself out. In my head I can hear the voice of my friend Mike saying 'it's because you let it happen' or 'it's because you don't have confidence.' That isn't enough of an answer though. I know lots of people who have horrible self images and are in relationships. And I know selfish people who continually find generous, kind partners who adore them. I think that self-reflection is wonderful, and I'm all for self improvement but I think that sometimes we tell ourselves that the problems lie within us because it gives us a sense of control.