I quit.
I'm quitting everything in my life that doesn't make me a better person. I'm done pining over my ex, I'm done wishing for things to be what they used to, I'm done waiting for things to get better, and most of all I'm done with most of the people in my life. I'm just done with who I was, I know there's a person deep down inside who I like, there has too be since i remember liking myself, I want to be that person again, I want to be okay with who I am. Hopefully going to school and changing my life will be a good start and a good step in that direction.
Vive memor leti

Spent a couple hours earlier playing Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay. Such a good game, great mechanics, awesome story, and one of the most bad ass main characters to ever grace any size screen. It was actually kind of a nostalgia moment(haven't played the game since it first came out, stayed up all night and beat it through) the first time i crept up behind a guard and snapped his neck.
It makes me sad that a game as imaginative and well made as Escape from Butcher Bay didn't get that much play. I mean this is a game that stands alone, with it's exceptional blend of first person shooter, rpg, and stealth gameplay. Sure there are some bugs with the game, but it's so hard to notice them when you're sneaking around in the dark with Riddicks eyeshine about to push a guards pistol into his stomach and make him pull the trigger.
Wow little bit of a nerd rant. Well it happens, and honestly I could go on for a lot longer about Riddick.
After the fore mentioned nerding I spent some time with a friend I hadn't seen in too long. Dave came over and chilled. We had dinner watched Time Warp(cool show), then went and chilled with some other peoples, all in all, a good day. Seems I'm having more of those recently.

What a beautiful morning. I've spent the last four hours writing, no more writers block. Even if it's not the greatest story, it's progress, especially after months of writers block. I don't even know where the story came from, one minute I'm just sitting and rolling a cigarette, and the next there's this image of a guy dying then waking up in the woods. After that boom, this story starts forming in my mind, this character grows from a picture to a person, and my fingers type away. Images grow from words and vice versa, and for the first time in a long time I just let it flow forth.
Vive memor leti

Saw Wolverine tonight, I dug it. First good night I've had in a while, which I find odd. The odd part is I ended up hanging out with someone I used to hate, don't hate him so much anymore.
Tomorrow should be good too, at least I hope so. Gonna go catch up with some old friends and have a couple beers. It's weird to think about but I haven't seen these guys since high school, we used to hang out everyday. The part that's weird to me is I'm just realizing how long it's been since high school. Time just goes to fast. Growing up it felt like everything took forever, started to take time for granted. Now I'm noticing just how fleeting time really is, if you don't embrace it it's gone in seconds. I think I'm gonna do more with the time I have, take less for granted,try to find someone special to share it with. Probably sounds cliche, but I want to find someone to share myself with, someone to feel whole with. My ex was great, I love her but she's my ex for a reason. I need to move on, and stop dwelling on what was .
Started looking at a digital animation school, really think I want to go. It's seems like a career I'd actually enjoy.
Well goodnight, long day coming, need to be rested.

I think I hate the giant mitten that is Michigan.
"But it's a mitten," you say, "how can you hate it."
Well for starts, since moving back I've had nothing but bad luck, writers block and a broken heart. Oh plus the economy here is SHIIIIIITTTTTT!!!! The broken heart is from seeing the state I used to be proud of, used to love, fall so far down that I can't stand it. My ex doesn't help with the heart thing either.
Actually I'm gonna stop now so I don't go on some crazy ass rant.

Well today was a craptastic day. Had it out with a few friends, or rather a few people who were "friends" till I had it out with them. My best friend is trying to set my ex up with almost everybody he knows.
Are there any good people out there? Or are they just a movie myth? I'd settle for shitty friends that don't stab you in the back, hell even a close enemy that has the kindness to stab me in the front.
I'm stuck in this rut, emotionally, and financially. I can't find a job, but that's just cause Michigan's a black hole for labor. I'd leave but I don't have the money, which is interesting cause I don't really have the money to stay. I want to do something with my life,, maybe go to school. I just don't want to be useless anymore.
I'm not good enough at any of my artistic pursuits to make a living off of them,, and I'm not highly trained at anything, I just need to do something.

As a habit (particularly a bad one) I tend to bottle up emotions Lately I've been realizing I don't really recognise most of my own emotions, and this is causing problems, as I don't really recognize them in other people anymore.
I used to be a very empathic person, so much that comforting a crying friend with a hug brought tears to my eyes. That doesn't happen to me anymore. I miss the emotional connections I used to make with people. I miss knowing what I was feeling.
I miss being able to read people. The only thing I recognize in anyone anymore is withdrawal, and I'm seeing it far too much. I see it in friends, in family, and I saw it in my most recent girlfriend. I know I have feelings for her, but it's almost like I can't quite feel those feelings.
The worse part is my withdrawal, from myself, and from those around me. It's seems my response to them leaving is just letting them. Part of me is tired of having to fight for my friends. I've always been the type of person who spread them self too thin, put too much out there. Now I''m trying to pull it all back, trying to regain myself while running away from who I am, and I'm not sure i entirely know how to be me anymore.
It may be that I was never really me, and now I need to discover who the person I was was keeping me from being.
There's so much pent up in me. So many feelings muddled together. Some much anger, I feel like a Skywalker, So much love, happiness, pain, and desperation. When ever I try and let any out, try and feel it, cope with it, It becomes physical. I shake, I've gotten dizzy, even thrown up, just from trying the feel.
I used to cope with painting, writing sculpture, even piercings and tattoos It doesn't help anymore, just end up with writers block and blank canvas. Hidden piercings and shitty tattoos.
I don't know who I am, nd I don't know how to figure it out.

Erg, work, ick. Work went by really slow last night. But i guess it probably would have gone faster if i didn't call off the night before to go to the bar... eh, can't be responsible all the time. I miss Michigan, Oklahoma's too... too Oklahoma. I miss my giant mitten, I miss the shows, the old familiar hangouts and the hobos, yes the hobos. I miss my sister and brothers, even my idiot adopted brother and his tattooed eyebrows. Actually i think I miss him most of all, piercings cost too much when he's not around or when i don't have my gear, and I'm too broke to buy any. I miss Big Mike, 3van, Dizzle, Holli, Holly, Muku, Jay, Jessie, Missa, Angela, I miss everyone. I think this is the first time I've ever been truly homesick, I miss my ma's cooking, I miss Guinness with Nolan. Haha, I even miss the coffee bean, and denny's and senate, Kroger, and meijer. FUCK WAL-MART. I Miss being able to buy 6. beer and liquor till 2am, not 9. I miss hugging my little sister, or wrestling with my brothers, chilling at tattoo shops that i know everyone at, surviving off of ramen and scrounging for mountain dew and smokes. I miss living in the gutter, i miss it if it means living in michigan. I miss having real friends, not all the damn fake ones down here. I honestly don't understand these fucking people. I miss death threats for cutting my hair or shaving, I miss sleeping in the park, and camping trips. FUCK OKLAHOMA!!!!

Yay!!! Tonight is my first of three nights off, time to party it up, not really. But I'm definitely getting some drinking done, hooray for jewish wine!!!

peace love and cheddar cheese.