rambling... i'm going to ramble.... this is all just ramble

i'm going to just blurt something out on here...


lots of stuff floating around my head, my eyes are tired but my brain is spitting sparks and ideas and magic

i've been researching again, i've been writing what i want to do and why

then two seconds later being tempted to do something else

i thought i'd been able to say no to certain things because i'm not that kind of person anymore

not that it is a bad thing to do. its just... i shrug, i do my scrunched out face and sigh...

but then i see a glimpse i see a sparkle and i'm in with my toe again.. feeling the waters, testing the taste

oh well,

life is like that i guess, one minutes you figure yourself out the next you are all of a huh

how do i feel right now

well, i feel kinda okay

i feel like i would like to be me for a bit- take photos, do art dress like i want to dress

i feel like i want to collect everything i love into a box and look at it when i want to

and go oooh

so i'm organising my research file- yes... i have files and special boxes just full with magazine clippings, articles, pictures, art, ideasss... i am a research junkie after all so i'm expected to have some kind of stash..

but its an unorganised stash so.. i'm labeling and coding it correctly so when i want to find that picture i can...

what else

well.. i live in a nice flat, near a nice bus place where i can actually travel.. i'm near trains and culture

my upstairs neighbours are noisy and seem to never understand how to close doors

then there is the seagulls

they are loud and often

i am ignoring this because other than that i am really happy here

right now however i'm biting my lowerlip,

i think i'm stressed inside i think i'm thinking too much, i think that there is somethign there but i'm not sure what

maybe its because i'm in limbo again torn between wanting to be creative but waiting till i can have time to do that...

my 40hr contract at work ends soon, i have not bee given any inclination as to what my new contract will be

will they simply give me back my old 16hrs- which i cant live on but would be able to be creative and have a life.. and possibly be able to get a second job

or will they dick me around again, call me up give me 20hrs here... 30hrs there no fixed contract

yes.. i think thats whats bothering me right now

i cant control this happening, i cant decide it because its not in my hands...

well.. whats in my hands.. what can i do

what do i have control of.....


well....

i can control what i read, what i write what i listen to.. thats a start

i can control what i wear, what i eat what i watch....

i can control how i feel, what i love what i dont love

i can control everything really and i can at least control 16hr of my life to the job.. if they choose to give me more then thats okay

sometimes its hard to imagine but there are people in this world that dont have the control over their life that i have over mine

and its time to stop being such a gods damn lazy badger about things




i need to remember i'm a squirrel

i'm a swan not a peacock

i'm a meercat

i'm a unicorn

and i'm going to read a book and drink some tea


off i go...