i just got home from working out and took a long hot shower, ate vegan buffalo nuggets, the grilled kind not the breaded, smoked a bowl, at some HOMEMADE banana peanut butter frozen yogurt, climbed into bed, smoked another bowl and now am listening to dubstep on yoiutube. i wish i had a warm body cuddle to up to right now and id be in heaven. i really need to sleep i work all day tomorrow. im getting stoked about the philly tattoo convention. I hope I get to meet up with some new sg peeps.
night bitches,
xoxox

so i think its time. 6 month in colorado. why? i kinda just want to harvest green during the day. serve a few nights a week and enjoy nature. get away from philly. what the worst? i miss it and move back and be where i started. lately i just feel like i am invisible. people see me but here i do stand up or no one cares. its not me. i just dont belong. I want to see nature and good people different people who arnt who ive seen for 28 years, 2 of my bosses from work told me id never come back, one is from colorado the other is from hershey. the one from hershey recently lived in japan and hawaii. he was super chill and the best boss ive had. tonight was his last day he left to take care of his dad who has cancer. makes me so sad what a powerful illness cancer is. i dont remember who i know who suffered first. maybe my aunt by marriages sister. but its never o I had cancer and it was no big deal. its always horrible and every one i know who has suffered was a fucking amazing person. ive been trying to do it right.. ive been living a lonely life. i keep having these feelings that im going to have this amazing love and hes going to pick me up and swing me around and when i look into his eyes ill never want to look anywhere else. ever. i hope im right and something so great is coming to me..[YOUTUBE][/YOUTUBE]

maybe everything is a dream...but what if its not?!

lesson learned..when you think you are doing the wrong thing you probably are. tonight i wanted to go to the gym after another epic shift..what did i do? go to the bar thats open late night to say bye to one of the bartenders and see my ex from the summer who was afraid of true commitment who walked away after i waited all summer for him. of course hes not alone but with his new girlfriend..his best friends sister.. so as im getting scowled at my friends and I are getting ready to pay.. i say hey guy send those 2 shots of water. he goes ok comes back and go you wont hurt her right i laughed and wwe said our good byes. Through the whole break up and new girl I was super cool and just sad but never spiteful. it felt good for that split second to not think about the reaction and do something bad. i try to stay out of trouble that karma would not approve of but i needed that split second feeling that i know needed to just stand my guard, like yeah hes with you but id never take him back and he can talk as much as he wants but i needed to kinda just put my neck out there for once.o well off to bed i go to wait for this yucky snow storm. 6 months out of philly i must do it!

i survived christmas!!
i watched all of the star wars saga and have become a bit of a geek!! i also made a roast wrapped in bacon..amazing!!! i secret santed my neighbor with a bottle of jameson and a dog bone he was completely thrown off guard. and i loved it. i also gifted some people at work some pretty sweet gifts including a one hitter with an indian stash jar, a bowl with a pretty flower in the front, 2 pairs of pot leaf socks and a pinup hat, and a box of fun clothes that fit a 5 year old like a charm. it made me smile to see them smile, my friend skinny with the hat and socks was super stoked. it made me happy i know hes been going through a rough patch. i myself have been indulging in red wine with glasses full of cubes and cake vodka, peppermint kahlua, hazlunut baileys and half and half..ive earned ever ounce of fat on my body!!!! i hopee everyone is enjoying their time off
xoxox
me

watching the star wars saga on my new blu ray player. i woke up late to a text from my trainer..grrr! i need to buy an alarm clock that rolls away as i snooze. I ran some errands because it was my normal day off. I was shocked the world wasnt complete chaos. after i broke down and cried in the food store after i dropped my bagged grocceries. The cashier and other people just stepped over them as i tried to regroup. im so shaky and dont know why. im happy im finally home to complete my christmas mission. Ive already gluttoned on chinese, started my first bottle of wine and eaten 2 little debbie christmas treees. The only thing I have left to do is wrap my neighbors dogs huge bone, which has been driving my little puppies nutz and put a bow on the bottle of jameson I bought him. so far im diggin star wars. Im just not sure this mullet braid thing obi one has going on. How did mcgregor ever explain that the whole time he was filming the movie. btw i knew this natalie portman switch a roo was more legit then me bring stoned!!!! off to put my feet up and hope i dont dozw off too much.

life is really testing me right now...i was driving home crying after a long ass 14 hour shift with my passive aggressive asshole manager. just crying thinking about everything and how much i just want to get fucked up. instead i attempted to drive to walmart to buy stuff for this stupid brunch i got invited to because i have no family or friends; her words not mine. I wondered around aimlessly and bought nothing to bake with or attempt to put forth an effort. im pretty content with staying in my bed for the next 48 plus hours. i hate that i get into my own head and cant just float away somewhere. im off to eat muddy buddies and my plan my epic chinese delivery order for tomorrow afternoon.