Whenever someone is fired, or laid off, or retired from work they always say that those people are starting a new chapter in their life. I guess this is a new chapter in my life. This is my last post on SG. For the past few years this place has been a release for me, not one of sexual desires or things like that but a release of all the feelings I have had. I have written alot, I know cause I spent the better part of an hour deleting all or my blog posts here. I didn't bother to read any of them, I just indescriminatly deleted. I have spewed out many things here, but I basically wrote out in words my life... My fucked up life. Problem is that talking about things doesn't solve anything. I know myself better than anybody, and I know that I will never do anything about the way things are. I will always be stepped on, I will always be used, I will always be unloved.
Hope is a dangerous thing, and I guess this site, even if most of what I wrote was bitching, manifested this greater hope that things could be good some day. But I fool myself. Things won't change. So why have hope? This blog sounds depressed, and I don't want people to worry about me, I would never do physical harm to myself. I tried when I was young but I couldn't quite pull the trigger. The statement I am making in this last blog, and by me removing myself from this site, is that I am accepting my lot in life. There is no hope for a greater tomorrow. I will work, I will pay bills, I will pull air in and push it out, I will do my time and cease to exist, I suppose that is how it goes. My mom once said " Nobody said you would be happy with your life" That is fucked up... but I guess it is true. Things don't always work out the way you want them to, so you keep moving.
I can't fool myself any longer, I can't lust for or be envious of the people of this site. I often say I don't fit in here, and I don't. I am not free enough to express myself with my appearance or my attitude. I am so envious that people like the people here are free to put what they want on their bodies, look the way they want, act the way they want, and do the things they do. I can't, and never will be able to, so today I walk, I turn my back on the freedom I wish I had, I accept the way things are. I will miss this site and the people I got to know, but it is for the best.
Hope is a dangerous thing, and I guess this site, even if most of what I wrote was bitching, manifested this greater hope that things could be good some day. But I fool myself. Things won't change. So why have hope? This blog sounds depressed, and I don't want people to worry about me, I would never do physical harm to myself. I tried when I was young but I couldn't quite pull the trigger. The statement I am making in this last blog, and by me removing myself from this site, is that I am accepting my lot in life. There is no hope for a greater tomorrow. I will work, I will pay bills, I will pull air in and push it out, I will do my time and cease to exist, I suppose that is how it goes. My mom once said " Nobody said you would be happy with your life" That is fucked up... but I guess it is true. Things don't always work out the way you want them to, so you keep moving.
I can't fool myself any longer, I can't lust for or be envious of the people of this site. I often say I don't fit in here, and I don't. I am not free enough to express myself with my appearance or my attitude. I am so envious that people like the people here are free to put what they want on their bodies, look the way they want, act the way they want, and do the things they do. I can't, and never will be able to, so today I walk, I turn my back on the freedom I wish I had, I accept the way things are. I will miss this site and the people I got to know, but it is for the best.