Boy, am I disoriented after four days of getting up at quarter to eight in the morning, and working until 5:30 pm.

Still it beats being unemployed.

But yes, things are looking up since my last entry of sorts.

I was cleaning up the dish from my nightly sandwich and I saw a piece of paper she uses for a notepad when doing crossword puzzles.

She had written "help help help help help please" on it. I can't get it out of my head.

We're running low on money, and neither of us can find a job; her cause she's 70, and me, cause (in my mind) I was fired from my last job. We can't even get people to buy the old stuff we put on craiglist. My credit card is about to be maxed out, and I won't be able to pay my September car insurance.

I'm letting her down. I can't provide for either of us. There's no money coming in since the state "misinformed" me about my unemployment benefits. She's in a good mood, trying to stay positive, but I don't think either of us can hold up much longer. We'll never survive until this September, much less next September when I supposedly graduate and can maybe get a real job.

I mean, I can't even get an over night job at the grocery store, or Target. I applied for a job at the cable company and did their online assessment and haven't heard anything back. The person at school in the Career Services department hasn't gotten back to me. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. The ads I replied to on craigslist did not respond back, except for one that was obviously fraudulent

At what point can I just give up? The answer; I can't. I can't make things any worse for my mother. But I can't make things any better either, and things are only going to get worse. I'm trapped, and she's trapped. And I'm afraid we're doomed.

I'm the one trapping her. If something were to happen to me, I tell myself, the rest of my family would make sure she's taken care of.... but I can't do that to her, even if I wanted something to happen to me. (I don't, by the way)

My intelligence keeps telling me my "solutions" in my head aren't solutions. But that doesn't make me stop thinking of them.

Sorry to unload all this, but I had to say it somewhere, and Facebook and twitter aren't exactly good places for this, what with family members following using them and all.

Jebus H. Who the hell taught my father how to use Facebook?

Man, this new schedule has me messed up... it's Sunday night, and I keep forgetting I don't have class until Wednesday nights this quarter.

So, today I officially went back to class for the first time.

It's a 6 pm class, but I kinda wish I hadn't eaten dinner before leaving. For some reason, I was really nervous waiting for class to start... almost to the point of a panic attack. I was afraid my stomach was going to act up in the middle of class.

I kept trying to tell myself that this was ridiculous. It's a three hour class. I should be able to handle that without my system, both mental and physical, going into "panic mode."

Once class started, the panic started to fade, for a while. Then I started getting the chills that let me know Trouble's Coming. Luckily, during in a break in the action, so to speak, I was able to politely excuse myself.

I don't know why I was/am, so nervous to the point where it sets off my nervous digestive tract. Later, when the class moved to the computer lab, I felt much better. Maybe I'm addicted to computers, and my body has to be bathed in "computer radiation" to function normally. I don't want to go back on the anti-anxiety pills. Good thing I'm still jobless and don't have insurance.

Why does sitting in a classroom fill me with such dread? Am I afraid I'm going to work at this for a year or more and still have a worthless skill set? Already, from this one class, I have a feeling this place isn't as "modern" as I was led to believe.

I hope it goes better Wednesday or Friday, whenever my next class is. (Long. unrelated story.)

Sigh... I'm still not able to find a job, and apparently I have to wait for Congress to pass a bill before I get any more benefits. :/

Why do I bother, again? Sometimes I forget.

Is it bad when a supposed "20-minute phone interview" for a job is over in six minutes?

I don't want another phone support job... but this one advertises $30k a year. It's for an insurance company, not a technical company....

I don't want a job I'm just going to burn out at again.

I hate searching for a job... I can't find anything I'm qualified to do, and I start getting more discouraged...

...or if I do find one, and I click to Apply for it, I get a "We're sorry, this job has been filled" screen.

I *really* hope my car's brakes can be fixed cheaply... but I doubt it.

I need a woman that will drive me crazy. Sometimes I feel like all I have to offer a woman is genetic material, and they can get that in far more esthetically and financially appealing packages. Younger, too.

I need WoW to be working... my pally was pretty close to 58 when I got the server shutdown warning.