If one more fucking person calls me a racist for not wanting Obama I am gonna fucking snap. I don't care what color the president is you assholes I'm a fucking Anarchist, I don't like any political leader it's all shit but when you people ask if I like Obama and I say no just deal with it. I wouldn't care if the president was black, white, purple, orange, gay, strait, male, or female, I don't like the government anyway and they are all lying. So to all you people who think that not voting or not voting for Obama is racist GO FUCK YOURSELVES WITH DYNAMITE!!!

I've done a lot of thinking today, and yes it hurts but I will not allow myself to wonder in misery. I hate that she was ashamed of me, and I hate that she doesn't love me or care anymore if ever. But I can't dwell on this forever, maybe I need to love myself first. Mom and Celeste yelled at me yesterday because I don't ever wear a seat belt, when they asked why I said because I don't care if I get hurt. Mom was pissed she asked if I cared bout them, when i said yes she wanted to know why I would do that to them then. I can't keep hating myself, but sometimes it's hard to care when you feel like no one else does. I know they love me, Mom, Celeste, Sandy, Kieth, Melissa, Gran, Pixie, they all tell me that they do but in my mind I see all the people who don't Amanda, Karen The bitch who birthed me (not to be confused with Mom), Mike, Miki, Dan... The list seems longer and longer. Really I just want to not hurt anymore, sometimes if I can focus I can summon my wolf but even she is out of reach most times when I'm like this, I want my inner peace back. I need distance I think maybe a meditation weekend. I just wish I could love me, I know it would help. Sometimes I think I should just pack a few things get in my car and leave.

So yea looks like I am just a damaged cast off yet again, I'm tired of trying it always ends in pain and misery. Fuck this maybe shes right and I am just white trash and good for nothing. Everything hurts and I can't seem to make heads or tails of my emotions right now. Inner peace is a pipe dream right now I can't meditate or concentrate. My heart is broken and I have no clue what to do, I feel like it will never be better. I feel betrayed and angry and i don't fucking know. She said she didn't want a relationship, she just left out the part about just not wanting one with me. I have been pierced tattooed poked and prodded in the interest of art beauty or medicine and none of it ever hurt this bad. I want to scream and cry and rage, but I know it's not allowed. Not because of any macho bullshit I am not ashamed to cry but because I know it won't do any good. This always happens, I manage to fix myself and fall for some broken lass with a sad smile, I help her feel better and fix whatever is wrong as best I can and in the end she breaks me again. I tried this time I even tried to change who and what I was but it was never good enough I was never good enough. I'm sorry I'm a punk and sag my pants, sorry I'm an anarchist and won't give all that up and grow up like it would do any good anyway. I just want to be me and loved for it, is that really so much to want? I don't know anymore, I really don't.

I don't get girls at all you all say you want nice guys but then drop us in an instant when some ass comes along. I think I give up.

So I had a great St. Patrick's day. I was a little sober, ok alot but still it was good. I still have my baby and I love her more than ever. Work still sucks but I can deal. haven't talked to alot of friends lately because I've been busy, hopin to see them soon.

S.

I pick up the pieces of my shattered self
Like a puzzle poured all over the floor
I try to put them back together
the problem is I can't remember what the original picture was
I think it will be different
Every day I find more pieces I thought were lost,
Or never knew existed
Music!
Art?
Love
Can all these be me
do they fit?
I don't know
But I'll see
I'll see


My newest poem I don't know if I like it but I am on a path to self discovery here and this is how I feel some days. feel free to tell me it sucks.

S.

so work was shit today, I really wanted a good day but honestly when it's the fourth long ass day in a row what are you gonna do. My boss is really a tool but o well tomorrow is the last day in the week and payday. I feel like shit cuz my asthma is being dumb but again ssdd right. well sorry to bitch and run but I gotta grab a bite.

May the light of the Goddess bless you all

Peace


S.

Hi I'm Sean and I love suicide girls