My father has battled kidney cancer for almost three years. In September 2004 the doctors said he had 4-6 months to live. He has been fighting through all the treatments and still managed to joke and have a good time. Two weeks ago right after my spring break he tried a radical treatment that could have cured him, Interlukin 2, which had a 95 percent survival rate. At this point in time the cancer has gotten the best of him. He was on a respirator controlling his breathing. After a nearly 4 year bought with cancer my father passed way. He fought hard. Im not really sure what to do without my dad, my mom passed away when I was ten, so I will now be without any parents.

You really never know how much time you have left with loved ones, this treatment was supposed to just be a week in the hospital and everything was supposed to go fine. My dad had to be the 5 percent that had complications. As corny as it may sound tell your loved ones how you feel about them. I told my dad I loved him, but never had the chance to have that last conversation.

Been a little while since I last updated, been busy with stuff. Pretty much just trying to be ok with my dad. Im really glad that my girlfriend Molly is in my life, she is awesome and really does make me feel a little better about the situation about my dad. Im going with her to see a Dashboard concert tonight at the univeral amp. hopefully it will be good.
This is a picture of Molly.

So I think that it is unfortunate that my ex girlfriend and I can't remain friends. I really care about her and even though our relationship didn't end badly, we are not really on speaking terms. It's been a year, I would think she would be over the hard feelings by now. Oh well.

On another note, I think its hard to realize your not as good of friends with someone as you thought. I think that one person can only go so far in a friendship or relationship. Maybe her and I just grew apart. I guess it just hurts, I feel like I would have done anything for this girl and she used to be one of my absolute best friend, she was really like one of the guys to me. Last year we both rushed the greek scene. I realized the the frat was not my scene, and she continued in the sorority. Since then, we haven;t talked as much or really at all anymore. I figure if she wanted to remain friends she would put out the effort. Does anyone have any advice for this situation, should I even care as much as I do?

Last week of school, def. ready for summer. This has been a really really shitty school year, hopefully next year will be better. Seems like I say that every year. My summer plan is to try to get a business plan started for my magazine.

Feel pretty confused at the moment. LA doesn't seem like home anymore, Santa Cruz is something else. I still feel like im that little kid that used to be so happy. What happened? Where did things go wrong? Now that I look back I wish I had never smoked pot or done any other drug, it had really affected me more than I thought. Somehow I just have to learn things the hard way. Im not sure if anyone actually reads these things but it feels better just to get things out there. I just want to be happy, whatever that means. Wow this is going to be an interesting day, what a mood to wake up in.

I love my Dad, I think that is one of the hardest things for me to actually say. I just have to find a way to say that to him. Sorta random, but i've never believed in God or anything. I do hope that there is something out there, a place to be back with the loved ones that have passed away. I have been depressed lately, I think that I sorta just gave up on things. I remember this from somewhere, "There is too much beauty in the world!" I really just want to be happy, whatever that means. I have to admit that the way I feel while on coke is amazing. If there was a way to feel that without the drug it would be amazing. Sometimes I just feel alone, like I have friends but none in Santa Cruz that really understand me, maybe one. Most of my close friends are in LA and as much as I do talk to them on the phone its not the same. I am rambling on, but sometimes I think it makes me feel better to just type things out.

If anyone has any comments it would be very much appreciated, I need some words of inspiration at the moment.

It's pretty crazy to think that a year ago my dad was fine. People seem to take a lot of things for granted. My mom passed away when I was ten and I think I've taken all my anger out at my dad. I really feel that I wasted a lot of time I could have had with my dad being angry. Now my dad has terminal cancer and the doctors don't know how long he has. It's just hard to get close to someone when you don't know how long they have.

So I have a Humanistic Psyc midterm and I am not even close to ready for it. Im all stressed out. I just need to get my shit together, im just not sure how. I wonder how I got to the point I am right now. It may seem lame, but I really do feel like my life would be better if I had never smoked pot. I feel like I used to be a very intelligent person, I mean I had an 800 in verbal on the SAT. Not that the SAT is really a test of intelligence. Now I feel like a fucking idiot. It's like my brain is running slower than it should. I think that pot is an amazing thing, and I've had great times, but I think it has fucked shit up for me. It's prob more me than anything else, I guess I just have to make a change for myself. Alright I guess im done feeling like shit for the night, now on to cramming for my midterm.

So I have a new Blue Tongue Skink, he is very cool!

Lets see school is going alright, I NEED to go to class more. Somehow it is hard to find motivation with my dad being sick. I know that it is my future that I should be taking care of, but its not easy. I've been smoking bud way too much. I've pretty much smoked an 1/8 a day for at least 2 years. Im trying to quit cold turkey, hopefully that will let me deal with life a little more clearly. It is really not that easy, I know that it isn't physically addictive, but I feel withdrawal. I have been very irritable lately. Wish me luck with this endeavor.
-Mike

New quarter at school, def. stoaked to have new classes. Humanistic Psyc, is one of the chillest classes i've taken. My pop culture professor has actually found a way to make pop culture boring, that sucks. My politics class is alright, but just some lame class for my major. It was finally sunny in Santa Cruz today, it's been raining forever now. Being from so-cal I def. miss the warm weather.

Jamaica was awesome! It was def. pretty crazy, I was at this place Hedonism III while they playboy was filming their spring break video. There were a good number of naked playmates, not a bad spring break.