Well its about time I start using this site to its full potentional. I spent the last half hour looking up new groups for me to join and post in regulary. I dont really need to spend more time on this computer than I already do, but i figured I usually do nothing anyway so why not spend some more time on this site.

As for me things are going pretty good except i have no real job to speak of at this point and I am starting to worry about it big time. Yet i still am lazy about it and dont take the real steps to insuring me a job, an odd place to be.

My friendship with Sam is going awesome and i found out she turns into a horny bastard when its that time of the month. She could not keep her hands off me at the video store two days ago... I wasnt sure how to act but i certainly enjoyed it. We have been busy getting ready for halloween and even took the time to make it down to the zombie walk. God what an event, i was stunned by the amount of people.

Anyway if anyone still reads this tell me what your plans for halloween are... my next blog will detail my very scary plans.

Have fun

Anyone want to follow me around all day and slap me upside the head when i get my hopes up... seriously you would be a big help, because I did it again. Heard that a girl i like is having trouble and her boyfriend wants to go home. Cant help but think "score, i have a fighting chance now"

Then you see them together and they act actually better than before... wonderful.

So taking applications now... trust me this wont be a boring job, you will get at least one smack a day.

why do i feel so horrible for making, yes a mistake but something i should appolgize for and move on... but no i really feel like a hug piece of shit... like my heart is ripping apart. And no this has nothing to do with liking someone... I do it all the time... i could never kill anyone, the guilt would drive me to the point of insanity

Cuddle Buddies

So i have been gone all weekend, camping with my family. I was also supposed to be camping all weekend with my friend who i have talked about enough on this site. Sadly should could not come for the whole weekend, but i did convince her to come for sunday and whatever bit of monday we could have.

Everything has been very confusing for me, about her and what i should be doing. All was pretty normal between us throughout the day... same old same old. Then at night she wanted to go for a shower and i thought i would try a move. I asked if she maybe wanted company, telling her it did not have to lead to sex, just something fun. She told me she would like to, but that she shouldnt because it would be to tempting to jump me and she had to be a good girl.

Over the past week i have figured out that her and this guy that lives with her arent really apart like she says. She is simply getting rid of a title she no longer wishes to carry. She is with him, nothing has changed and life is the same for the two. So as tempted as she is to have fun with me, she knows she would feel bad.

Of course i feel bad, but when the blood is no longer in your head you lose the ability to think. Later, as we curl into bed we talk a lot and i do try some more moves but nothing so strong as before. She has strong feelings for me, thinks i am very sexy, smart and likes me a lot. However she just feels it would be wrong to do anything more with me because of this other guy who she completely still cares about. And you know what i agree.

It got harder to resist in the night as she began to really flirt, rubbing her hands all over except for the obvious area. I am trying not to feel bad about being lead along like this... really at the bottom of it all she is not doing this to be mean.

as well as the flirting we got to talk about things i have been having problems with. She made me realize that there is no rush to be with her or anyone... and that i should not expect anything out of our friendship. All i should do is let life flow and enjoy the moments which if you know me is the hardest thing for me to do.

In the end I am going to try looking at my friendship with her as something special and unique and try to enjoy every moment. I think things are a little more clear right now... we shall see how long it lasts.

life is hard when you like a girl who you cant be with

but hey no one reads these things any more so why bother

Well i think i have raised my statues of being the worst kind of human to something a little better. My friend really hasnt left her house all weekend and hasnt been feeling good at all. I have been talking with a friend of hers, who i guess is now a friend of mine (i sound mafia)... anyway we ha the chance to vent to each other instead of taking it out on Sam... which is great.

Then we did the bestest thing we could do. I picked up Melissa the other friend and we went and bought some flowers, a nice card, and some things from starbucks. Then we went over to her house and surprised her with the stuff. She was crying but i think we got our point across... we deeply care about her.

Tomorrow we are supposed to be going out but no real hopes on my part... but hey at least she wants to get out. And this weekend we are both going to the fan expo in Toronto which should be bitching... i cant fucking wait.

So things are looking at least a little brighter... one down on the list that is my stressful life. So no more needing to be run over by a car... well ok maybe just my foot or leg or something.

I am the worst kind of human.


Murders kill, their crime is seen, felt, heard... punished. Much is he same for all their kind... the rapists, child molestors, robbers. They are horrible things that sadly exsit so frequently in this world we live. Then there are types like me: the worst... worse than those mentioned up above.

I am the type who makes you think i am the best human being on this planet. i am so kind and friendly, even a little sexy to the ladies. I tell you ok when you just feel its not. I give you that hug when you fight with your boyfriend. I am the best friend you can ever hope for.

For a while i keep that up, i have fun and enjoy spending any moment i can with you. Then something happens which i have yet to figure out. I do something that makes me the worst kind of person... i let you down. I become like everyone else you expect. The kind of people who say its ok, but dont believe it to be so, who tell you that fact. They make you feel like shit and only want to have fun. Most of the time i am not that person... and that is theproblem. You come to see me as something so special and unique then i pull a move you could never see coming.

The other day i was supposed to hang out with a friend. She was tired and wanted to go home for a nap then we could get together later and do something. I was tired, got less than five hours of sleep but that is no excuse. After sitting around for a while i got a message from her boyfriend that she was not feeling well and that she didnt want to do anything. I got mad... i freaked out... i hurt the person i cared about.

Why am I a bad person, the worst kind... she is clcinically depressed, she od'ed on pills earlier in the week, and i was her one true friend who understand it all and comforted her. Then i got mad at her because i was selfious, uncaring and stupid. I made her cry and when she was looking so much better i put her back down in that hole.

Lillian was the first... i used to stay up all night to keep her company at her job... she really cared for me. Then i pushed her away, she hated me so much after what i said to her. Then there was Davina... she ws the first person who said they loved me... we still talk but there was a time when she would rather i be dead.

The worst was the love of my life. I moved across the world to be with her, and loved her so much... i still do. Then she stopped loving me. She has told me that she tried to warn me three times and i simply did nothing. I lost the love of my life because i was to stupid to care long enough to do shit.

I will keep doing this my whole life till i die alone. So please let me die soon so i do not suffer like this any more.

i am the worst kind of person... please do yourself a favour and avoid me.

So yea i am pretty bad at this updating stuff.

As you can see i have added more pictures from some recent photo shots i have been doing with my new friends. I am big into costumes as you can see from my Friday the 13th costume, so meeting new friends who love to take pictures of someone like me is gold.

What else is new in my life? Well a whole lot really, considering things are getting complicated with this new friend. We like each other but she also has two other guys who happen to like her. Oh and she likes them too... its a weird place for me to be coming out of my first relationship only a couple months ago.

I am not sure what to do, how to act because some days i feel like i have to make sure i don't say the wrong thing so i don't screw anything up. I do like her a lot so i feel its worth doing this little dance, i am just hoping it pays off in the end and i can share my life with her.

Man how complicated life can get when you discover the wonders of love. Something you can not live without, that special feeling of being important to someone else. Though some days you would rather be looked in a room because love can make your hair fall out and your mind explode from confusion.

Hardest part of living that i have discovered so far.

New pictures!!

Well I fixed my computer tonight and now i can upload more pictures of myself for everyone to see. However I have come to realize there only exists maybe five good pictures of me on this computer... hmm not good. So in the future i will try to get more for anyone who cares to look.

In the mean time, comment, i am curious what you think.

Ever just have a day where you just want to say "fuck it all"?


Anyone willing to lend me for some money to buy a remote cabin where i can just be away from everything i dont want to face?

I just need a type writer and i will be happy.