if you're making love to music, use a live album cos you get a round of applause every 3 minutes.

'Twas the night before Christmas when Santa got ready He'd drink his first shot to make his hands steady He'd load up his sleigh with toys and good cheer, not forgetting his ice chest with a 12 pack of beer He was a jolly old elf and worked with a grin, but remembered the brats then gulped his slo-gin In a drunken stupor down the chimney he'd fall, then when he was done... to his reindeer he'd call... "Hey Falstaff, hey Miller, hey Coors" he'd shout, "Throw me a rope so I can get out!" He flew all night long not a house was excluded leaving toys and a note "Batteries NOT included" He looked in his sack and said "I'm just about done", but then he was sleigh-jacked by a kid with a gun So now Christmas is over and Santa is sober... But you could hear his exclaim as he walked out of sight "Hand me a Heineken and give me a light!" 

A man has gone to A&E (ER) after a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his arse. Doctors have described his condition as stable!!!eeek

If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road' Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4. lmao

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot.

I said to wife ,bet you can't piss me off and make me happy at the same time,my wife said Your dick is bigger then your brothers

..Is offline...playing with himself..wait..wait..stop..no..I MEANT to say..BY himself..playing BY himself!!

A friend would visit you in jail. A good friend would bail you out. A best friend would be sitting next to you saying, "Same time next weekend?"

Women are like iPhones. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.