Sometimes I feel like I made the wrong decision. Why did I buy a little present for her when I'm not with her? My former g/f in case you were wondering who I'm talking about.

fuck. not good enough to express how I feel. Ya know I said in my last blog I felt like I got kicked in the stomach. Well I figured out it is a little higher. I think my heart might be broken again. I haven't felt this way since I was a teenager and it wasn't good. fuck. There is only one person that can do that to me too. And the last time I was this hurt I was in love. I didn't think I was in love but as I think about it more and more I was.

Now a little back story if you (meaning nobody cause nobody reads this) haven't read my other blogs. I ended a long distance relationship of many years. So why is it if I ended the relationship does it still hurt so bad? The problem is that I don't have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff. Normally if I hurt like this I would talk to her. Now I can't. So that's why I write here. But it doesn't help.

Solutions? Wait for the pain to pass? Last time that took years and never quite went away. Find a new girl? I suck at meeting women and I always had her in the back of my head. See if she'll take me back and restart the long distance thing? IF she took me back would I be ok? I was for ok for a while, but with renewed and newly recognized love might I be able to do it?

I'm too tired to continue. I'm falling asleep on my keyboard. More lamenting to come I'm sure.

I says good god damn... Amazing how reading something can make you feel like you got kicked in to stomach. I have been trying to keep myself distracted with hobbies but my mind still wanders...

It seems like it's time for my biannual blog post here. I recently ended a long distance relationship of several years. That was pretty shitty but I have found over the couple of years in that relationship that I am not much of a long term long distance kind of person. I can apparently handle it for a couple of years but that's it. Now not that I have broken up with many people, only a handful that I can think of, this one was by far the hardest. I wasn't looking to hurt her but that goes with the territory. However it was way worse than I thought it would be. I'm still bothered by it. She said that she hated me. That hurt. I got a small package from her the other day and it was one of my hoodies that she had and included was two notes. The first note was kind of a "thank you" for the time we had together. The second one was a note that was written about a year ago and it was her breaking it off with me. The reason she didn't send it before was because she wanted to spend as much time with me as she could. Apparently she had it in her head that I was gonna break it off way before I had the idea in my head. Who knows...

what the hell am i doing this for? im not feeling particularly chatty but fuck it. i just spent some time looking around the corset group and there is all kinds of sexiness going on in there. now if i could get a girl that would wear one not only for sexy time fun but wearing one out to like dinner or something like that... who knows maybe i'll get it again.

so the girl that lives 3-4 hours finally got back to me after whatever she had going on that made her not talk to me for months on end. after taking her back things are ok but im just waiting for the time to come that she disappears again for a couple of months. and if that happens im done with it. and there is a another girl that i could be with and she was a lot of fun and i treated her shitty but i guess thats how i do things. im always not happy with what i had when i should be. i would think the grass was greener on the other side and when i got to the other side i wasnt happy with how green the grass was. im dumb. i guess i'll ride this one out and see where it goes...

you know whats even shittier than a girl that lives 3-4 hours away? when they dont contact you for a couple of months... and counting. shitty!

its nice to have someone to love but it sucks when she lives 3-4 hours away. shitty.

man sometimes things suck. this happens to be one of those times. i have a mediocre job although i am trying to get another better one i dont think im gonna qualify for it. i dont have any female prospects. the one ongoing long distance thing i had going fell off the face of the earth earlier this month. she just stopped emailing me which was our primary form of conversation. i dont know if shes dead (god forbid), hates me, or what. so thats pretty craptacular. im overweight and im on a diet that i manage to stick to reasonably well but it just doesnt happen fast enough. im always living paycheck to paycheck and inevitably one or two bills gets pushed off till the next month. i have another job but im not getting much work from it so im not making the more money i want so that i can get a little bit ahead financially. and im trying to download open office and its being slow as shit. i dont have much time to myself from clocking in to work at 6:30am, getting off at 3, and then watching my nephew for anywhere from 3 to 5 hours. now dont get me wrong i LOVE my nephew but i just wish i had more time to have to myself. and then i get home around 7pm usually and i have only like 3 hours before i have to go to bed because like an old man i need my sleep. and i know that there are all kinds of other people that have it much worse than me but fuck them and their gimpy asses. it doesnt make me feel any better. oh well im going to vegas on thursday so hopefully that will just be a drunken stupor for 2-3 days.

ground hog day take one...?