Ladies and Gentlemen,

Over the past few weeks, I've felt terrible, stomach flipping inside and out, all sorts of I'll save you the details sorts of things. I cut out one of my best friends in the world, Coffee. I blamed him for everything. As soon as I did, I started getting better. Then I changed my vitamin regiment and felt even better. With coffee out of the picture I also added stress in there, I mean, who doesn't like to blame stress. So, out of these two a*&holes, stress didn't want to seem to leave. As usual, I coped with his annoying presence. And for a while now I've been feeling better, all the time talking trash about my ex-friend, coffee.
Well, sitting here at home, thinking about my 8th cup of tea for the day, I saw out of the corner of my eye, the devil himself. The pigment-less sh*thead from my past, coffee.
He came over all "hi!" and whatever.
So I said "what's up?"
we talked back and forth
and before I knew it, we were back in each others arms. Dang it! I thought to myself. He seduced me! What a son-of-bleep!
Well, now that we've sort of "made up" I'll keep you posted on if he hurts me again.
God! Why do I do this to myself? I know this is going to end badly.

At least I used protection*.

*Protection, That's what I was really trying to get to here. We all need to talk about a serious matter. So during my cleaning binge this afternoon I took apart my espresso machine. I found a playground full of rocks and minerals in there. Now I know I should use distilled water in it, but lets be honest, who actually goes out and buys distilled water to put in their coffee/espresso machine? Hmm? Noneya! Okay, back to the matter at hand, I"m pretty sure I was causing myself detrimental harm because of this misused machine. I URGE you all to please, clean or replace your wake up sauce machines. It may save your life!