I've never blogged before, and I rarely write in a journal, so here goes. To be clear with this post, I am writing what I felt, basically my viewpoint was in this experience. In the past year things with my wife have gone steadily down hill, therapy didn't work, and talking to each other didn't work. When one of us would try to talk to each other the other one would get angry or just shut down and not listen. We wouldn't have sex for a few weeks and if memory serves for a month or two. Sex isn't all important believe me, it's not the one thing that I crave in a relationship but it helps me feel loved and that the woman is still interested in me. I was tired of the being the only one who cleaned, cooked, and because of her depression med prescription ran out, she would get agitated very easy and took it out on me. In January of this year, I moved to Omaha from Lincoln to try to get her to understand how unhappy and miserable I was.
Side note: In every previous relationship I have been I was either dumped, cheated on or cheated and dumped, also I was actually physical assaulted by one of my ex's too.
I finally stood up to a woman, because I was tired, tired of being walked on, tired of being treated like someone's personal servant, like I was just another source of income or a roommate. Part of the reason I moved was because whenever I became upset because of something Britteny (my wife) said or did I would go to the adjacent bedroom, but she would lure me back with promises of cuddling or some sexual act and inevitably I would go back to our bed. She knew she could lure me back, but if I moved that meant that she would need to make an effort to try and help fix the issue between us or at least make an effort to see me, and make me a part of her day.
Unfortunately that didn't last, about April she called me while I was at work and demanded to know whether or not I was moving back to Lincoln, I told her I was not because I didn't think that she fully understood. Later I realized I was bitter because of her behavior, or at least that's what I told myself. At that point she had said we were done, she didn't want to move to Omaha, she didn't know where anything was, didn't know the roads but because of how unfamiliar it was she wouldn't do that for me, for her husband. A different city 45 minutes from where she had been born and lived for most of her life.
Fast forward to the middle of August, due to lack of funds and the fact that I was still in love with Britteny. I was forced to move to a Kansas, to live with my parents. Most of my time was spent drawing, reading, or sleeping, again I was tired of my failed relationships when all I have ever really wanted in life was to be a husband and father. I wanted to sleep and not wake up. After a time I slowly became better at handling my emotions, putting on a face, so to speak and at least hide it from the world.
Around September I wrote a letter to my wife as a last ditch effort to try to work things out. I texted her about a week later asking her about it and what she thought, again she rejected me but this time saying that if I spoke to her about anything but a divorce she would file harassment charges against me... how do you deal with coming from someone who supposedly love you at some point.
In Kansas I got a job at an ethanol plant, and was making pretty decent money until the middle of November and my boss took me into his office and fired me, because I wasn't learning my job fast enough, in the 2 months I had worked there I had worked maybe 28 days, and seven of those were training. Now I knew I wasn't doing the best so I wrote down the steps of every job I had to do that way I knew what I was doing. but because I hadn't progressed pass the cheat sheets he didn't think I wasn't learning fast enough. Now normally I would be at least somewhat understanding of the situation and be proper about the whole thing, but when he fired me in his office, one of my coworkers was in the same room. Where's the dignity in that?
Side note: At this job we worked seven 12.5 hour shift days, then had seven off, then we did the night shift for week.
So for the next two weeks I worked for a family friend who is a farmer to keep myself occupied, at the end of November I moved back to Omaha to live with my brother. I was lucky enough to get my old nurses aid job, which I love and later today I start my first class back in college. hopefully with my bills getting paid off soon ill be able to get a dog which I have sorely missed, dogs love unconditionally, treat them right, feed them and play with them and they'll love you forever. I miss my dog Akima, she was a pitbull/boxer and unfortunately I had to give her up for adoption when I moved to Kansas, and although I live with my brother I have never felt more alone. My wife and I are estranged because of both parties, I wish I had a dog, and I feel as if talking to my family and friends is burdening them with my issues.